Roger had just found a flat place on the Chattahoochee Trail to make camp for the night. This would be his third night alone, away from his dead-end job and his cheating wife. If only he could muster the courage to chuck it all and start over. He imagined himself driving out west and settling down wherever his car ran out of gas. But he knew he lacked the nerve. He’d probably return to his job and marriage, trying to convince himself he could make both work.
As he pounded the tent stakes into the ground, he heard something that sounded like a scream. But with evening approaching, the insects and birds had grown so loud he wasn’t sure. Then he heard it again. A woman screaming, “No!”
His first instinct was to ignore the sound. He had his own problems. But another scream demanded his attention and, without thinking, he followed the sound for less than a quarter of a mile. Ahead, he could see a man grabbing a woman, pulling at her clothes. She screamed and kicked. The man knocked her down, spun her onto her stomach and pulled down her jeans.
Roger jumped behind a bush, trying to convince himself they were two lovers playing rough. But when he saw the knife, he could no longer deny what was happening. He also couldn’t deny the reason he cowered behind a shrub, and lived his life as he did. He was afraid.
He wanted to shout and pull the bastard off the woman, but no sound escaped his lips. His legs felt anchored beneath him. He searched his pockets for his cellphone — he could at least call for help — but discovered he had left it with his gear.
Looking away, he tried not to vomit.
The rape lasted only a couple of minutes. The man stood up and ran. The woman lay on the ground, crying.
After a moment, Roger gathered his nerve to come out from behind his hiding place.
The woman scrambled to cover herself. Her top was torn and her face scratched. Roger removed his shirt and handed it to her. Between sobs, she repeated, “He raped me. He had a knife.”
In a reassuring voice, Roger asked, “Do you have a cell to call the park rangers?”
He waited with her until the rangers arrived. She told him her name was Julia. He encouraged her to drink some water. Every time she thanked him, he felt a stab in his chest. He wanted to tell her he might have saved her if he weren’t such a coward, but she needed a person she could trust more than he needed to confess.
When the rangers arrived, they called for an ambulance to meet them at the First Aid Station. Roger told them he had gotten there as the man ran off, and offered what little description he could. One of the rangers followed tracks in the direction that Roger told them the man had run.
He stayed with Julia at the hospital until her family arrived. He owed her that.
A week later, a police officer called Roger at work to tell him the rapist had been apprehended and he might be needed to testify at the trial. Roger agreed.
The officer thanked him and called him a hero.
His wife said he was brave and seemed to see him in a new light.
When Julia’s mother called him to say she had nominated him for a good citizen award, she thought him modest when he declined.
Wayne Scheer has been locked in a room with his computer and turtle since his retirement. (Wayne’s, not the turtle’s.) To keep from going back to work, he’s published hundreds of short stories, essays and poems, including Revealing Moments, a collection of twenty-four flash stories, available at http://www.pearnoir.com/thumbscrews.htm. He’s been nominated for four Pushcart Prizes and a Best of the Net. Wayne can be contacted at wvscheer@aol.com.
GD Star Rating
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29 Responses to “A GOOD CITIZEN • by Wayne Scheer”
Comments
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July 13th, 2011 at 1:17 am
I didn’t like the plodding style in which this was written. I couldn’t really see the point of it -cowardly man with failing marriage watches rape, refuses award although wife now admires him. Ironic, I but it’s hard to be engaged or see a strong message.
July 13th, 2011 at 1:34 am
A good story about “a good citizen”. I definitely could see the point and the message of it. Things are often not as they seem on the surface. Five stars.
July 13th, 2011 at 1:46 am
This story ended so abruptly it seemed the author was interrupted. There is no conclusion. It would have been nice to wrap up some of the loose ends.
July 13th, 2011 at 3:02 am
The thing is he didn’t *do* anything. He stays with the girl and testifies against the rapist yet, somehow, that makes him a hero? Plus, I can’t have a sympathy for a character who sits by while someone is being raped. If he was truly a coward, he wouldn’t have even investigated for fear a squirrel might attack him. Actually, a squirrel attacking him would have been nice.
July 13th, 2011 at 3:35 am
This had all the elements of traditional storytelling. A believable plot, simple straightforward characterization (because it’s flash), and wonderful readability. A couple of points jarred for me; the word ’trail’ took me back to the Wild West, but then the narrator mentions his car, (this can be explained because I’m English, and trail means somewhere unpaved) and the time it would have taken to traverse a quarter mile on foot, (but a minor point in a gorgeously written story). I’ve liked everything I’ve read of yours and this is no exception.
July 13th, 2011 at 5:46 am
Yes, I like this author as well, and I really like this story.
A MC who is real and believable. Coward has such shame attached but is a very common affliction that very few admit to. And was he a coward for not attacking a man with a knife, or sensible? He could have left and not become involved at all.
He didn’t bask in unwarranted glory and for this reason alone, I like the MC. I thought the story was well-told and suspenseful. Good stuff.
July 13th, 2011 at 6:46 am
I thought this story was very fine, engaging, straightforward and simple. A good flash, and realistic.
July 13th, 2011 at 7:07 am
As a man, I found the MC’s actions utterly contemptible and an affront to a man’s dignity. But unfortunately, it was believable (newspapers have had many similar stories
where bystanders don’t get involved). As such, the story evoked strong emotion in me, and was, therefore, a success.
I didn’t like what happened. I did, however, admire the straight forward way it was told. No excuses given.
Side note: In my internal story, the MC goes on to learn from this, and does something truly heroic in the future. But, that’s another tale.
Four stars….
July 13th, 2011 at 7:10 am
I didn’t like the content of this story – was willing him to go and help the woman. That just shows how well it was written. Completely believeable, sadly, but wrapped up a little too quickly.
July 13th, 2011 at 7:25 am
Why would it matter if his wife saw him in a different light? She was cheating on him. And he didn’t do anything commendable to warrant her seeing him in a new light. If he’d attacked the rapist or stopped him – maybe. The story doesn’t seem to have a point or message or any sense of satisfaction. It almost doesn’t make sense at all. Why was the victim and her attacker there anyway? Some random guy stumbled upon a random girl or did he bring her there? In which case why didn’t he kill her afterwards? No logic.
July 13th, 2011 at 7:49 am
One of the better written stories I’ve seen on EDF, and a piece that feels like true flash-fiction, telling a completed mini-arc in this character’s life (as opposed to a lot of flash that seems to try to summarize a novel in 1k words or is so sparse there’s no context/arc at all).
There were some editing inconsistencies that I stumbled over, “He waited with her until the rangers arrived” which to me states the rangers just arrived, but then a bit later “When the rangers arrived” which made one of the two wrong.
I didn’t at all mind the perceived inconsistencies and contradictions with the character himself. I found the complexity quite believable. His wife is the one cheating, but the narration hints at the MC almost being relieved she takes HIM back and can see something new in him, meaning he’s been blaming himself for her infidelities, which makes complete sense in the context of this character.
As well, we live in a world where acting at all is seen as heroic, and this story highlights the contradictions that can be present. He did come to her rescue, presumably just too late. Even still, his being there, pointing the direction of the perp, giving what details he could, are all things very much, in a vacuum, could and should be seen as heroic. But then, of course, the story is that there’s more to that story, that he didn’t do all he could.
I would have made a few minor changes, like given him a cell phone, but made him too scared to use it while hiding, for fear he be caught by the rapist. That way, it’s him and his cell phone to the rescue, playing up what little importance he did have in her rescue. Stuff like that, to ensure readers just don’t discount his actions completely, because the point of the story is that his actions are discountable, based on what we know from his perspective, but that others wouldn’t be so fast, and would indeed label him a hero (we’re talking family and the community, not some national award here, too).
I find it interesting that generally, the more real and true to life a depiction of a character is in stories, the more readers often try to find ways to discount that character (usually based on whether they liked the character or not, it seems). It’s an area I again found this story to be amazingly true to life, as in our ‘real’ world, we make justifications all the time based on the sympathy we have for a person. If a community is sympathetic to a person, they seem more able and quicker to forgive or excuse. And people that aren’t sympathetic characters pay the price for it, whether they ever did anything to deserve ire in the first place, or if it was just perception.
The power of this story is we’re given an inside look at this story, based not on sympathy for the character, but through empathy, walking a day in his shoes and seeing the conflict and complexity that entails simply being alive. Not many, perhaps, will be able to get past the unsympathetic character, but the strong empathetic writing at least gives us a chance to see the world through someone else’s eyes, even for just a minute, which in my opinion is how insight and perspective are gained through quality fiction.
July 13th, 2011 at 7:52 am
I liked the sparse arrangement here, as I imagined it contrasting with the voices screaming in his head. The seemingly flat prose is like a placid face over someone full of empty fire. Nice read.
July 13th, 2011 at 8:00 am
I agree with Shelia Conelius, sorry.
July 13th, 2011 at 8:30 am
Some people see things in black and white, while the world is many shades of grey. 5 stars life as it really is. There are hero’s and there are cowards and there is always in between.
July 13th, 2011 at 8:30 am
I was not a fan of the style at first but it grew on me as I read. There was a simple straight forwardness to it that I appreciated.
For me personally, however, while I understood the message, it left a very bad taste in my mouth that rape was used to make that message.
July 13th, 2011 at 9:52 am
I found the the mc’s actions to be very compelling and relatable – fear preventing us from doing something we know we should do. Wish I could say I’d behave differently in his situation but fear is a powerful obstacle.
July 13th, 2011 at 1:04 pm
Popsicle makes a great point here:
“I find it interesting that generally, the more real and true to life a depiction of a character is in stories, the more readers often try to find ways to discount that character (usually based on whether they liked the character or not, it seems). It’s an area I again found this story to be amazingly true to life, as in our ‘real’ world, we make justifications all the time based on the sympathy we have for a person.”
I struggled with this story, not because I did or didn’t like Roger but because I kept asking myself “am I interested in reading a story about an average schmuck who behaves just like the rest of us schmucks probably would?” For me that answer is no.
Still, I give this piece credit for making me pause to think about why I read fiction in the first place. Based on Wayne’s credentials I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that was at least partly what he intended.
Author input welcome
July 13th, 2011 at 1:09 pm
#15 – I see your point; what woman wants to even think about rape? Unfortunately it’s a part of life, as is fear and cowardice.
I wonder if the main character would have been better off attempting to keep the woman from harm, even it if meant being harmed himself. In the end, he’s going to spend the rest of his life condemning himself anyway.
P.S. I know this is fiction, but I hope he dumps that wife of his.
July 13th, 2011 at 1:38 pm
It seems a bit of an unlikely coincidence that in this remote place, apparently around sundown, a (young?) woman turns up, as does a knife-wielding man intent on rape, as does ‘the coward of the county’ who’s decided to sulk in the wilderness.
What disconcerts is that the latter is unchanged by his experience, whereas change is more or less an expectation by the end of a story.
July 13th, 2011 at 5:12 pm
I would argue that most stories seem a bit too coincidental if one wants to criticize in that direction. After all, most good stories are about those odd/meaningful/different moments. I’d rather a story about the day all sorts of strange things happened, than a story about the day that is ordinary and like any other.
And maybe it’s just that I’ve lived in and around outdoor enthusiast areas, and it’s not exactly uncommon to run across someone if you’re on known hiking or camping trails and areas.
I also find a character realizing he should have changed, but really didn’t, thus in effect almost changing by cementing his cowardice and shame, is in a sense a change. At least it was change enough for me, as things definitely felt different (to this MC, which is what matters, right?) by the end, than in the beginning. In the beginning, he’s hoping to escape. By the end, he knows he never will. Yet there’s also a sense of insight into himself, that maybe it’s still possible. Keep in mind he agrees to testify at the trial, which, most likely, will have the truth come out (or at least leaves the opportunity open this character may still eventually, willingly, face the truth of his cowardice, and for all to see).
July 13th, 2011 at 7:06 pm
So this guy is camping somewhere that only he happens to be camping at, no other campers anywhere around. Okay. Then suddenly he hears a scream, but apparently the attacker didn’t hear him pounding in the tent stakes. Okay. He walks about a quarter of a mile away — to where? The road? A trail? The middle of a forest? These two people just showed up there — from where? A car? Hiking? The heavens? The attacker never notices the MC approaching, and luckily there is a handy bush the perfect hiding place for the MC to jump behind. The rape scene: the attacker knocks her down and pulls down her jeans. No woman I know wouldn’t have fought like hell, jeans are not an easy garment to get off, and the attacker is using one hand. I’m also wondering why this woman had a cel phone but didn’t attempt to use it to dial 911 herself. That’s pretty SOP. So anyway, the MC checks his pockets but he left his cell phone in his gear, because — well, who doesn’t take their cell phone out of their pocket and leave it in their gear? And if he did have his phone, presumably the attacker would never hear him making the phone call. When he realizes he doesn’t have his phone, he apparently can’t sneak off the same way he came in. Okay. But the thing that got me is that he didn’t try to stop the guy even before he saw the knife. And even when he saw the knife, I mean, it’s not a gun, the man would have had to chase him, with his pants down around his knees, a quarter mile to where his phone was in his gear, when he had a head start. Because, you know, I have a hard time believing that there is any man or woman alive so cowardly that they would see a rape and not try and stop it, much less a knife and not try to keep anyone from being murdered without moving a finger when they are a fair safe distance from where an attack is going on, the attacker is otherwise ocupied, and the MC has the element of surprise. Because if he is that cowardly, then he would have left the scene the minute the attacker did without going to the woman. Because if he is that cowardly he would have told the rangers he didn’t see anything. And why is it the rangers didn’t poke holes in his story and figure out that he was really there all along? Okay. But the thing I find most unbelievable is that he agrees to testify. Why would a coward agree to testify? Even regular people hesitate to testify in open court against a dangerous criminal. A shrewd lawyer, the rapist goes free and the coward lives in fear the rest of his life.
The theme of this story is fairly common: an average loser is mistaken for a hero. Their life changes and they are suddenly living a different life. The reader knows at what cost, and waits for the loser to repent and tell the truth. The only true thing about this story is that the loser never does.
July 13th, 2011 at 9:13 pm
fishlovesca Says:
“Because, you know, I have a hard time believing that there is any man or woman alive so cowardly that they would see a rape and not try and stop it”
This right here! We’re not talking about diffusion of responsibility, which is only an acceptable explanation when there are other people around. As far as the MC knows, he’s the only one there.
Also, most rapists don’t want trouble. If that rapist saw the MC approaching him, he’d probably run away. The knife was just there for show; he clearly never intended to use it since he didn’t kill the girl.
July 14th, 2011 at 1:09 am
@22, Actually it is the rape that is there for show.
July 14th, 2011 at 3:21 am
@23 That’s also true.
July 14th, 2011 at 4:23 am
I want to thank my readers for their comments. This kind of what-would-you-do-in-this-situation story is difficult. Frankly, I found it hard to write and put it aside more than once. But it caused a strong emotional reaction in me, so I stayed with it. I fought the temptation to turn this character into a genuine hero or a complete coward because it didn’t seem real to me. Most of us are a bundle of contradictions.
At any rate, thanks for reading.
July 14th, 2011 at 7:18 am
a good story . an emotional dilemma which draws you in.
fairly plainly written, as though the idea was more important than the writing’s expression.
well done.
July 14th, 2011 at 2:38 pm
I like your story. You tackle a topic most prefer not to think about. The MC may be more common than we want to believe, men with cowardice and shame.
July 14th, 2011 at 11:30 pm
W O W
Between fishy and the popsicle, the stories been
picked clean…………………….
July 19th, 2011 at 2:32 pm
“She needed a person she could trust more than he needed to confess.”
That’s a fascinating, fantastic line. We could start an entire new discussion just on that line.