Comments on: ARE WE THERE YET • by Tels Merrick http://www.everydayfiction.com/are-we-there-yet-by-tels-merrick/ The once a day flash fiction magazine. Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:37:10 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: dj barber http://www.everydayfiction.com/are-we-there-yet-by-tels-merrick/comment-page-1/#comment-8565 dj barber Sun, 07 Sep 2008 21:54:18 +0000 http://www.everydayfiction.com/?p=464#comment-8565 Tels, I liked the concept, but as others have pointed out the flow was a bit awkward--especially the back and forth scenes. The doctor being present at a birth in a car stopped me dead--and the point where both children are buried at the same time when it seemed to me that Marc had died at the scene of the accident, while Rosie was well enough to interact with her parents in the hospital and yet died soon enough to be buried with her brother--that made me stumble through the ending. Tels,
I liked the concept, but as others have pointed out the flow was a bit awkward–especially the back and forth scenes. The doctor being present at a birth in a car stopped me dead–and the point where both children are buried at the same time when it seemed to me that Marc had died at the scene of the accident, while Rosie was well enough to interact with her parents in the hospital and yet died soon enough to be buried with her brother–that made me stumble through the ending.

]]> By: Frank O'Connor http://www.everydayfiction.com/are-we-there-yet-by-tels-merrick/comment-page-1/#comment-8563 Frank O'Connor Sun, 07 Sep 2008 19:23:17 +0000 http://www.everydayfiction.com/?p=464#comment-8563 I like how you keep the accident off-stage, and how you play with the whole 'are we there yet' thing. I think it would be clearer and stronger as a linear piece, however, either focusing on just the accident or using a straight chronology. It would benefit too, from making a clearer connection between the emotional impact and the underlying subtext. I like how you keep the accident off-stage, and how you play with the whole ‘are we there yet’ thing. I think it would be clearer and stronger as a linear piece, however, either focusing on just the accident or using a straight chronology. It would benefit too, from making a clearer connection between the emotional impact and the underlying subtext.

]]> By: Kevin Shamel http://www.everydayfiction.com/are-we-there-yet-by-tels-merrick/comment-page-1/#comment-8562 Kevin Shamel Sun, 07 Sep 2008 19:10:00 +0000 http://www.everydayfiction.com/?p=464#comment-8562 I like your story, Tels. You've conveyed some heartache, certainly. But like other commenters, I felt the characters were a bit vague and under-developed. In the end, I didn't really care about them, and this is a piece where I feel like I should. I was a little confused by Rosie being in such a hurry to be born that she was born in the car, but then in flashback, the doctor says, "...it's a girl." And the whole counting the fingers and toes stuff. Was the doc in the car when she was born? Some good emotion, but all-in-all a little confusing. I like your story, Tels. You’ve conveyed some heartache, certainly. But like other commenters, I felt the characters were a bit vague and under-developed. In the end, I didn’t really care about them, and this is a piece where I feel like I should.

I was a little confused by Rosie being in such a hurry to be born that she was born in the car, but then in flashback, the doctor says, “…it’s a girl.” And the whole counting the fingers and toes stuff. Was the doc in the car when she was born?

Some good emotion, but all-in-all a little confusing.

]]> By: Pamela Tyree Griffin http://www.everydayfiction.com/are-we-there-yet-by-tels-merrick/comment-page-1/#comment-8560 Pamela Tyree Griffin Sun, 07 Sep 2008 17:33:31 +0000 http://www.everydayfiction.com/?p=464#comment-8560 well done-appreciate the read. Pamela well done-appreciate the read.
Pamela

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