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BRAINS • by Karel Smolders

I looked over my shoulder again as the zombies chased us down the road. I couldn’t help myself. I was fastest of the gang, of course, but so what? Whoever said zombies went on slow romps hunting for the living, their arms outstretched, woodenly placing one foot ahead of the other? These guys were FAST. They drove cars and motorcycles. They darn well TALKED to each other.

It had been Michael’s idea to get out of town. I wouldn’t have thought of it. Hanging around at the mall sounded logical to me. Sure, no one was stocking the shelves anymore, but there was canned food that would last for years. Of course, the zombies knew that too. Where there was food, there were brains.

Because that’s what they were after. Not that they’d pass up the rest of you if they decided to call you dinner. But they were never happier than when they could sink their teeth into a tender chunk of grey matter. Michael thought they needed brains to survive. Michael always came up with answers. He was the bright one of the gang. The one with the solutions. The escape routes.

All the more unfortunate, then, that Michael was the first to go. Cars were free for all, these days, their owners either dead or undead. We jumped into one with the keys on the ignition, all four of us, and tore through an approaching horde of zombies. Their bodies were sent flying left and right as we careened through them. One of them somehow managed to open a door as we went. I’d forgotten to lock it. I looked the zombie in the eyes. She was a young woman, pale as snow, her lips dark, the pupils of her eyes gone white. She clung to the door as Michael accelerated. But I kicked her in the stomach, she let go, and we were off.

We ran out of gas thirty miles out of town, up in Venice County. The zombies were still behind us. Some of them never gave up. They jumped off their motorcycles as we ran from the car. Michael never made it. I heard him scream as the rest of us headed uphill as fast as our feet would carry us. I heard the macabre cracking of his skull, the scream cut short and then the ecstatic cry of one of the zombies: “Whoaa, this one’s gooooood!” The smarter you were, the more they liked it. They feasted, but there wasn’t enough to go around. Some of them kept after us. I jumped fallen trees, dove under low-hanging branches, sidestepped ancient oaks. And looked over my shoulder. Just in time to see Elsa fall, her pretty blonde hair whirling like a cloud around her head as she went. The zombies, close on her heels, were all over her in seconds. I froze. Stopped. I liked Elsa. REALLY liked her. I stared.

Becky woke me up. She tore at my shirt as she rushed past me. “I know! But there’s nothing you can do!”

Barely a minute later, there was nothing I could do for her, either. She screamed for help, but she’d been right: What could I do but run?

There was only a handful of zombies left now, and only one victim. They weren’t going to get me. No way. Not now and not ever. I tried not to think about how many millions of people had said that since the zombie pandemic had broken out, and then got eaten.

In the end they cornered me, of course.  A rocky, wedge-shaped outcrop came up in front of me and I was too dumb to run around it. I smacked against the rocks, panted, turned around. They were right in front of me. All five of them. I could’ve taken one, maybe two. Three, if I was lucky. But not all of them. They approached. I pressed myself hard against the rock face, trying not to think about the pain, the blood, the horror.

Then one of them said: “Hey!”

And another: “What?”

“Look! Look at his eyes! He’s one of them! You can always tell from the eyes!”

“Naah!”

And a third one: “He’s right, man. He’s one of them.”

“Oh, no, come on!”

And they turned away. Each and every one of them. Disappointed snorts and grunts and all, their stomachs empty and my brain intact. I watched them, saved, flabbergasted, and relieved. I was one of THEM. One of the survivors. The zombies left some people alone. Nobody knew why. But I, of all people, was one of them. The zombies descended the hill to see if there were any leftovers. I suddenly, inexplicably, felt happy. Until I heard one of them say: “I hate these no-brainers.”


Karel Smolders has written 6 juvenile fiction novels in his native Dutch and published some fan fiction in the US. Science fiction is his natural habitat.


This story was sponsored by
Camilla d’Errico: A character designer and artist who dances on the tightrope between pop surrealist art and manga inspired graphics. Explore her paintings, characters and comics: Tanpopo, BURN and Helmetgirls.

GD Star Rating
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BRAINS • by Karel Smolders, 3.5 out of 5 based on 52 ratings
Posted on October 26, 2009 in Horror, Humour/Satire, Stories
Tags: ,
  • http://users.beagle.com.au/peterl P.M.Lawrence

    “She was a young women” = typo.

    If these zombies are so smart, shouldn’t they be building up herds of edible people and killing off inedible ones anyway to save wasted hunts later? That’s why rhinoceros poachers kill dehorned ones anyway, since a bullet is cheaper than repeating a fruitless hunt later. Otherwise, the story works.

  • http://rumjhumkbiswas.wordpress.com rumjhum biswas

    I enjoyed the pace of this story and looked forward to seeing where it headed; but the ending disappointed, sorry.

  • Debra

    Sorry.

  • Arthur

    Come on! These are hunters, not into animal hubandry. Enjoyed it, thought the no-brainer twist neat.

  • http://teenangel.netfirms.com Jim Hartley

    Ouch! What a punch line! Well, you’re in good company, many well know writers (like Isaac Asimov) enjoyed perpetrating a shaggy-dog story (shaggy-zombie story?) on their readers! Anyway, I liked this one. Five brains.

  • http://joeprentis.com Joe Prentis

    Come on guys! I loved this story and I thought the last line was rather good. Anything that makes you snort coffee through your nose at 8AM can’t be discounted so easy.

  • Bob

    I hate zombie stories – when will this trend ever play out? Still, I kept reading in the hope that you would have found something original in the trope – and I’m glad I did.

    The last line was awful – it doesn’t even make much sense, when you think about it. But it was awful in exactly the Asimovian way you intended, and so it was wonderful. Definitely a coffee-snorter, and so wonderfully bad that maybe it will sound the death knell for zombie stories forevermore. Four stars for gall alone!

  • Robins Fury

    Let’s all simply enjoy another zombie story because it’s MONDAY again. I have no intention of ripping it apart because it made me laugh with the last sentence. Enjoyed it.

  • Margie

    Snort! Snort! Ah-choooooooo!

  • Jen

    Heh, I don’t really like zombie stories eithier, but I loved this. Espically the last line.

  • http://mickeymills.wordpress.com/ Mickey

    Being Halloween week, a zombie story was inevitable; and like so many others, I’m not real crazy about zombie stories. Just being a zombie story is cliche’ in itself.

    That being said… I did get a chuckle out of the punchline. Nice write for Halloween.

  • http://pete-peteonline.blogspot.com Pete

    I love zombie stories, ‘durn’ the doubters! but I agree the ending is lacking. I’m sorry becuse I really liked this, ‘right up to the end’ as people are saying.

    Fact is there seems to be more in here then the, sorry, cheap punchline pays for.

    But I like Zombies and the rest of it. 5.

  • J.C. Towler

    I’ve never read a zombie story–like a novel length story, though I know they exist–but I do get a kick out of the movies. I get this was basically a set up for a groaner of a joke, and I guess it worked (until you start thinking about it too much), though it could have been shorter and achieved the same purpose. As a reader, I’d have been happier.

    –John

  • http://bookspot.blogspot.com Camille Gooderham Campbell

    Typo corrected — thanks, P.M.!

  • http://www.shelleydayton.com Shelley

    Hilarious. I loved it!

  • http://www.shelleydayton.com Shelley

    Jim H…five brains…funny!

  • Sharon

    I completely fell for this one. That doesn’t happen often, so you get 5 delicious, munchy brains.

  • Sumukh

    Innovative..dude.. extremely innovative..

  • http://jimsteel.wordpress.com Jim Steel

    Yum – zombies!

  • Sharon E.

    Nice story for Halloween week. Don’t know why, but I’ve always liked zombie stories . . . maybe for the same reason disaster movies appeal to me: who will survive, and why? Enjoyed the pacing. One example of your deft pacing was the line: “Barely a minute later, there was nothing I could do for her, either.” Interesting to see the divided response on the last line.

  • Nancy Wilcox

    I admit it, I love a pun. And the longer you set me up before you trip the trap the better. I gave it five stars.

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