“Occupation?”
He never looked forward to that question; even after waiting on the line for twenty minutes, through the hold music and ‘please hold the line’ recordings.
“Superhero.” Unconsciously dropping an octave.
Static hissed across the line, he could picture the call centre operator’s mouth agape. “Sorry?”
Clearing his throat, he tried again; “Super… I’m a superhero.” Face flushing red, wishing that one of his super power’s was the ability to evade embarrassment.
Another pause on the line, the conversation normally went one of two ways; either the person refused to believe him or he had to deal with a gusher. “Really? Wow. What’s your ability?” H2O had a gusher.
Clearing his throat, he told the operator that he could control water.
“Control water? That’s not really a super power, is it?” The kid on the other end of the line smirked.
H2O hated nitpickers; those hard to impress faction of civilians that expected all superheroes to be like those on the news that could fly or run at amazing speed or be impervious. So controlling water wasn’t right up there with the rank and file of Lightning Man or Fireball, but he had helped to contain a pretty bad chemical spillage at a factory nearby last year and had managed to curtail a small blaze that broke out after a chip-pan fire went out of control next door a couple of months back.
“Next time you need the fire brigade, just remember what you just said.” He was seething; all he wanted was a new insurance quote. He should have just gone online and used one of those comparison sites.
“Tetchy.” The operator remarked under his breath. “Okay, you’ll need flood damage cover.”
H2O could see where this was going; he could control water so he was a flood risk, ha ha. “Actually, no I don’t; there’s no body of water within two miles of my property.”
“But you just told me you could control water? What if you had a cold and sneezed out a waterfall?”
H2O had to laugh at that one; “It doesn’t work like that.”
“How do we know that? We are an insurance company, our job is to assess risk and you, sir, pose a substantial risk with your super powers.” He said the last two words in a sardonic tone that was probably accompanied by a set of air quotes.
With a huff of exasperation, he informed the operator that the only water he could control was that contained within his own body.
After a pause the kid kicked up a belly laugh that rocked the phone from his ear. “You retain water, then?! What are you, in league with crime-fighting pregnant women everywhere?” The mocking laughter wound down to a gurgle of contempt. “Seriously, mate; if you’re just doing this whole ‘Super Hero’ caper for tax reasons, you’re wasting your time.”
He’d had enough. “And what do you do, then, eh? Sit in a call centre all day from your high throne, passing judgement on those worse off than yourself? You’re a joke, mate; I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire!”
That set the kid off again; “Well, apparently, that’s the only way you’d be able to put the fire out!”
“Whatever, goodbye.” And, H2O put the phone down, completely unaware that the kid on the other end of the line could spot a liar when he spoke; that was his ability. And, the only reason he had laughed so hard was that he knew it was all true.
Mark Robinson’s previous writing has appeared on Thrillers, Killers n Chillers, Sunk Island Review, Microhorror.com, Hackwriters.com, Manchester’s Transmission Magazine, Birmingham’s Raw Edge Magazine, Short Story Library (US), Txtlit.co.uk, Post Card Shorts, Enigma and the Lulu Anthology, Never Hit by Lightning, Edited by Tucker Lieberman & Andrew Tivey. Forthcoming publications include Powder Burn Flash, A Thousand-faces & Delivered.
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19 Responses to “CALLS FROM OTHER NETWORKS MAY VARY • by Mark Robinson”
Comments
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January 31st, 2010 at 12:07 am
Not loving it. But not hating it, either.
Could have been written better.
Two stars.
January 31st, 2010 at 2:05 am
Well, that was certainly unusual! I thought it was very entertaining.
Nicely done!
January 31st, 2010 at 3:05 am
I thought this was too disjointed. Particularly at the end. It reads like a first draft. I don’t want to be mean. I think its an interesting concept, but it felt thrown together to me.
January 31st, 2010 at 6:33 am
Fell down on the ending (which seemed a bit hurried), but otherwise an engaging read.
January 31st, 2010 at 7:14 am
So… he is in league with crime-fighting pregnant women?I`m not sure what it was that the kid on the other line knew was true, but other than that, I thought it was great. Made me smile.
January 31st, 2010 at 8:01 am
I stoped half way thru to go to the bathroom.
January 31st, 2010 at 8:32 am
I really quiteliked it. We should all do our best to fight superhero prejudice!
January 31st, 2010 at 8:47 am
There’s a punch line in there somewhere, but we never quite get there. As fishlovesca said, lots of basic writing and grammatical errrors – could have used a few more runs through the edit cycle.
January 31st, 2010 at 9:12 am
Interesting concept. What to do with a “stupid” super power? And the writing is realistic, reminds me of some phone calls I have (unfortunately) been on.
I agree with #4, the ending could use a little work. Altogether, not a five, but pretty good.
January 31st, 2010 at 9:16 am
The ending needs some work to make it more understandable as to exactly ‘what’the kid knew to be true. Other than that, a cute read.
January 31st, 2010 at 9:41 am
More a series of jokes that put one on one’s guard than it is a story. Being “in” on the jokes tends to make the star ratings go up, so I’ll avoid the conflict and ignore the stars this time around.
January 31st, 2010 at 10:49 am
Its fun to see how superheros struggle with the banalities of life, though I couldn’t quite get a handle on H2O’s ability. Was he essentially a super-sponge? And I didn’t quite get the end either. If the lie-detecting insurance agent knew that H20 did have super powers (albeit “D List” powers), why the “if you’re just doing this whole ‘Super Hero’ caper for tax reasons, you’re wasting your time” line?
Some stand-out funny lines and moments, but not enough to hold the whole of it together for me.
Best,
–John
January 31st, 2010 at 11:07 am
There is an issue with the narrator. At the beginning the point of view is limited to that of the superhero’s, but suddenly the narrator turns out to be omniscient. So what the writer has done is to deliberalety play with the reader, hiding information and lessening coherence to the character of the narrator.
This way of writing may easily turn against the writer, although, when done well, the results can be great. I think the ending could have been more elaborated as to have had the impact the writer expected.
January 31st, 2010 at 11:53 am
You lost me at: H2O had a gusher.
January 31st, 2010 at 12:46 pm
EDITING:
“Occupation?”
He never looked forward to that question; even after waiting on the line for twenty minutes, through the hold music and ‘please hold the line’ recordings.
[Remove comma after minutes]
“Superhero.” Unconsciously dropping an octave.
[Unconscious implies unconsciousness. Try involuntarily, or another synonym.]
Static hissed across the line, he could picture the call centre operator’s mouth agape. “Sorry?”
[Period after line. Insert "falling" before "agape." Or even better, "falling open." Or best, leave that whole business out. Just "Sorry?" is sufficient.]
Clearing his throat, he tried again; “Super… I’m a superhero.” Face flushing red, wishing that one of his super power’s was the ability to evade embarrassment.
[Superpowers should be one word and no apostrophe. And the way this sentence is written, other superpowers are implied. Perhaps, "Face flushing red, wishing the ability to evade embarrassment were another superpower he possessed."]
Another pause on the line, the conversation normally went one of two ways; either the person refused to believe him or he had to deal with a gusher. “Really? Wow. What’s your ability?” H2O had a gusher.
[Period after line. There is no "normal" about this discussion. Should be "usually" or "often." After ways, there should not be a semicolon, should be a colon or a comma.: "The conversation at this point usually went one of two ways: either the person refused to believe him, or he had to deal with a gusher."
"Gusher" in this context is an awkward pun.]
And it just gets worse from there.
Taken overall, the story is sort of cute at the beginning, and it is not really awful. But simple editing could have helped this story tremendously.
FWIW.
January 31st, 2010 at 8:48 pm
Water is not the same as chemicals or oil. I’d suggest that H2O’s superpower is the ability to control liquids, rather than just water.
January 31st, 2010 at 9:37 pm
Rediculous !
2 **
February 1st, 2010 at 3:47 am
How can he help to control a chemical spillage if he can only influence the water within his own body?
February 1st, 2010 at 10:38 am
cute. i enjoyed it. needs some continuity between concepts as others have shown above. ahh, i didn’t get the title. i very much enjoyed the twist at the end!