COCK UP • by Jonathan Pinnock

God was pissed off. It was Friday afternoon, and the meeting with His Project Manager was going badly. Another bloody design flaw and the humans were due to go live tomorrow. The chance of a day off on Sunday was receding fast.

“It’s the reproductive system,” said the PM. “We intended to use the same mechanism as the amoeba, but it didn’t… sort of…”

“Work?”

“Er… yes. So we’ve gone for a binary approach instead. Trouble is, it’s too late to graft on any new bits. Anyway, one of our consultants had this idea of using the same organs as they’re using for passing liquid waste, and turning one of them inside out.”

“Another botched job…”

“Trouble is, turns out the man’s thing is too floppy to go into the woman’s thing. And if we make it stiff, the waste goes everywhere. Also, several of our prototypes broke theirs when they tripped over.”

“Can I make a suggestion?” interjected Lucifer.

“Go ahead,” said God, with a shrug.

“What if we make the man’s thing both floppy and stiff? Maybe there could be some special connection to the brain so that, ooh, I dunno, when they felt like reproducing, the man could make it go stiff.”

“Have you thought about the technology involved?” said the PM, bridling. “Quite apart from the psychological implications. Have you even considered how it might affect the rest of the brain?”

“Oh, you know me, I don’t do details,” said Lucifer. “But I’m sure you can make it a nice, elegant fix.”

The Project Manager was still protesting, but God was smiling. “I like it!” He said. “Just go and do it, okay?”

“Oh, Lucifer,” said God, as the PM left, “what in the world would we do without you?”


Jonathan Pinnock was born in Bedfordshire, England, and–despite having so far visited over forty other countries–has failed to relocate any further away than the next-door county of Hertfordshire. He is married with two children and a 1961 Ami Continental jukebox. His writing has won a number of prizes, short-listings and long-listings, and and he has been published in such diverse publications as Smokebox and Necrotic Tissue. He is ever so slightly ashamed of this story.


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