God was pissed off. It was Friday afternoon, and the meeting with His Project Manager was going badly. Another bloody design flaw and the humans were due to go live tomorrow. The chance of a day off on Sunday was receding fast.
“It’s the reproductive system,” said the PM. “We intended to use the same mechanism as the amoeba, but it didn’t… sort of…”
“Work?”
“Er… yes. So we’ve gone for a binary approach instead. Trouble is, it’s too late to graft on any new bits. Anyway, one of our consultants had this idea of using the same organs as they’re using for passing liquid waste, and turning one of them inside out.”
“Another botched job…”
“Trouble is, turns out the man’s thing is too floppy to go into the woman’s thing. And if we make it stiff, the waste goes everywhere. Also, several of our prototypes broke theirs when they tripped over.”
“Can I make a suggestion?” interjected Lucifer.
“Go ahead,” said God, with a shrug.
“What if we make the man’s thing both floppy and stiff? Maybe there could be some special connection to the brain so that, ooh, I dunno, when they felt like reproducing, the man could make it go stiff.”
“Have you thought about the technology involved?” said the PM, bridling. “Quite apart from the psychological implications. Have you even considered how it might affect the rest of the brain?”
“Oh, you know me, I don’t do details,” said Lucifer. “But I’m sure you can make it a nice, elegant fix.”
The Project Manager was still protesting, but God was smiling. “I like it!” He said. “Just go and do it, okay?”
“Oh, Lucifer,” said God, as the PM left, “what in the world would we do without you?”
Jonathan Pinnock was born in Bedfordshire, England, and–despite having so far visited over forty other countries–has failed to relocate any further away than the next-door county of Hertfordshire. He is married with two children and a 1961 Ami Continental jukebox. His writing has won a number of prizes, short-listings and long-listings, and and he has been published in such diverse publications as Smokebox and Necrotic Tissue. He is ever so slightly ashamed of this story.
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35 Responses to “COCK UP • by Jonathan Pinnock”
Comments
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July 28th, 2008 at 12:43 am
God would have a devil of a time getting along without Lucifer, wouldn’t he?
K.C.
July 28th, 2008 at 12:48 am
[...] into Every Day Fiction is now up on their site, and I am dreading the comments. It is, after all, a rather puerile piece. But sometimes that’s not necessarily a bad thing. If you happen to be passing, do please [...]
July 28th, 2008 at 1:41 am
Simply made me laugh.
Quite original!
July 28th, 2008 at 1:56 am
You are just asking for puerile comments, you know. For instance, something like “If you happen to be passing” suggests “passing what, water?”
July 28th, 2008 at 2:32 am
I love it Jonathan! I wonder what your Lucifer would make of the saying “the Devil’s in the details”? I gave it five stars because it made me laugh so much.
July 28th, 2008 at 2:51 am
First off. This piece is asking for the religious guys to come slate it, as far as the wide audience is concerned…this isnt universally friendly. I’m pretty sure that last bit would really piss some christians off, especially catholics.
Also you refer to them as man and woman…if they was orinally planned to aesexually reproduce they wouldnt have defined genders…the organs were just altered waste removal means remember?
Regardless of the flaws it is still a good and clever story, i enjoyed it and admired the iea it used.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:35 am
I simply loved this!!
July 28th, 2008 at 3:45 am
I loved this - it was puerile, silly, schoolboyishly naughty and it made me laugh a lot-thanks Jonathan. Oh , and great title as well
July 28th, 2008 at 3:56 am
Jonathan:
Sorry about the first post. I couldn’t resist the pun; some of us think puerile is funny.
So, I’ll take another whack … no, wait. I’ll attempt a serious post.
The “creation of the world is a project” idea is cliched; it’s been done so many times before. But your story proves that fresh takes are possible.
I liked the story, although I was nonplussed at first, but I was giggling before it ended. As I said, some of us think puerile is funny. My jokes are often called sophomoric.
I am curious as to the response when readers here in the States get to your story. From what I can tell, all the other posts, so far, have come from Australia or Britain. I live in Seattle, eight hours behind Britain and seventeen behind Australia, but because of my sleep habits, I keep pretty much the same hours at you Brits.
I think the title may get the most attention. It’s not so readily connected to making a mistake as it is in Britain, and so the pun may not be the first thing that comes to mind here.
Anyway, don’t be ashamed of the story. It’s clever, even if it does have a fifteen-year-old mindset.
K.C.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:02 am
Most of Monty Python was pretty puerile so I don’t think there’s much to worry about on that front, Johnathan. ( That said, I was ever so slightly ashamed of smiling at this story! )
July 28th, 2008 at 4:49 am
Without Lucifer, we’ve have no petards upon which to hoist ourselves.
Well done, Jon! What’s wrong with puerile humor? It’s hard work being an adult ALL the time!
July 28th, 2008 at 5:17 am
Nice little piece!
July 28th, 2008 at 6:04 am
Loved it! Made me laugh, thanks.
July 28th, 2008 at 6:32 am
I always wondered who was responsible for that messy business…great story Jon
July 28th, 2008 at 7:17 am
As you say - puerile, but hilarious!
July 28th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Well done Jon - short and funny - just like most of the appendages in question!
July 28th, 2008 at 8:29 am
I’m sorry sex organs are funny–strange looking and funny. People can say female genitalia looks like a beautiful pink flower - NOT - and the male organ, well, it does in fact look like a mushroom, but I say-again-they are funny. But, heck, they work and that’s all that matters!
July 28th, 2008 at 8:32 am
Great title. As to the man-woman thing–I took it they’d already been split up(the rib or side) so the reference works for me. Lucifer saying he doesn’t do details–too funny!
Good job, Jon. LOL!
–dj
July 28th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Sacrilegious.
Remember that because of God’s perfection, He does things right the first time.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Except, according to the Bible, Man. He kinda messed that up. But other than that, sure. Right the first time!
July 28th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Liked the originality of this piece and the comment ‘the devil’s in the details.’ The project manager was such a nice touch, too.
Thanks for today’s laugh. –Dawn
July 28th, 2008 at 10:18 am
“I’m pretty sure that last bit would really piss some christians off, especially catholics.”
I don’t think so; I’m Catholic, and (while I hold rather liberal views of evil), I think a lot of my fellows would almost agree with the final statement–though, in typically Catholic manner, they wouldn’t agree in a clean, straightforward way.
Funny story, Jonathan!
July 28th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Great!
July 28th, 2008 at 11:40 am
One of the few stories I’ve read here that was too darned short. You could have gone on a long way with this theme and it would have still been funny. I’m sure people are laughing because they (we) are identifying with it. In case there’s any doubt, I loved it. Great job.
July 28th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
So Spike Milligan. Beautifully told.
July 28th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Well im certainly glad this was recieved well, i liked the story but had a feeling it was going to be recieved badly…but it wasnt, consider my first comment null.
Good work Jonathan.
July 28th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
LMAO!!! Good story!
July 28th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Nicely told. Good voice, Jon. Glad to see most of the Christians are either not offended by your story, or are turning the other cheek
July 28th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Many thanks for the comments, everyone, and I am so glad that no-one (apart from anon - oh, why is it always anon?) was too offended by it. To be honest, it isn’t really a story about religion at all. It’s more a case of looking at something and recognising a Friday afternoon kludge - I’ve spent far too many years in the software industry, and I can spot one a mile off.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
You’ve got a great way with titles, Jon. And this is a nice little piece of ‘flash’.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Hey Jon, nice little story. It made me laugh. Private parts are funny. No getting arond it. Good Job
July 28th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Oh that was waaay too funny.
Nice job, Jonathan. Thanks for the laugh!
~Merc
July 29th, 2008 at 1:25 am
“the male organ, well, it does in fact look like a mushroom” - Terri, you are mistaken. Only mutilated versions look like that.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:20 am
LOL! Jon, good one.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:53 am
[...] Story competition. It’s a little more like my usual style than my previous foray into EDF, “Cock Up”, which I still have my doubts [...]