Rory picked a quiet time and ducked into the confessional. He didn’t want to lose his street cred.
“Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. It’s been quite a few months since my last confession.” His voice was a whisper.
The priest sighed audibly. Months–this could take a bit of time. “Tell me your sins, child.”
“Well, it all started on Monday last when my neighbour got one of them leather sofas delivered from Sofaworld.”
“The ones that are 40% off, with no interest and no payments until next year?”
“The very ones. I’ve been promising the wife new furniture like… forever but I have to confess I was dead envious when I seen thon. It looked that squashy and comfortable, so it did.”
“I forgive you your envy, my child.”
“But that wasn’t the finish of it.”
“Go on,” said the priest, trying to sound interested.
“You know I haven’t worked these years, father.”
“Because you have no skills, no doubt?”
“No, because I’m too lazy.”
The cleric thought it would do little good to launch into a tirade on the evils of sloth and anyway he couldn’t be bothered.
“I needed to get my hands on some money,” continued Rory, “so last Tuesday I put on a bet.”
“Gambling is not a deadly sin.”
“Maybe not, but it’s dangerous enough if you steal from the wife’s purse to do it.”
“Oh, you should not have done that.” It was a familiar tale and usually one that ended unhappily.
“But I won, though… and then I won again, father, and then I got greedy.”
“Now that is a deadly sin,” the priest muttered but Rory was getting into his stride.
“And I put an accumulator on the dogs with a tip or two from auld Jim Hussler.”
“Jim’s a good tipper, so he is,” enthused Father Oliver who was fond of the dogs.
“And guess what? It came in, father!”
At that, the priest forgot himself entirely. “Holy Mary and Joseph, son, how much?”
“A hundred and fifty thousand.”
“Lord be praised!”
“So I went and bought one of them fancy sofas and replaced the money I took from the wife’s purse.”
“So, that was well done.”
“Only she’d already missed it and she gave me a hard time all day Wednesday. Nag, nag, nag–even though I slipped her enough for a new bag and shoes, she never let up all day. The top and bottom is, father, she got me that angry I slapped her one.”
The priest’s tone changed from one of excitement and vague approval to gravitas. “Oh, this is looking very bad. And did you make up after?”
“No, she’s away an’ left me–gone to her mother’s. And then on Thursday they delivered the new sofa and she’s not even there to see it.”
“So you went and got her back then, did you?”
“Not at all. I had a party. If she wants to be silly let her carry on, I thought. It was a great shindig so it was, father. Loads of booze, a proper caterer and some mates got a stripper round too–well, a few strippers to be honest and they did a bit more than strip if you get my drift, father.”
Father Oliver’s interest piqued. “You’d better tell me everything.”
“Gluttony, lust, debauchery… the whole bit. Those sofas are very versatile, father, and easy to clean just like they say. You should get yourself one.”
This suggestion shocked the priest back to normality. “And you would do well to get yourself a steady job and beg that wife of yours to come back and promise her you’ll never do the like of this ever again.” He sounded quite stern and Rory was taken aback by his tone.
“Just you hold your horses a wee minute there, father,” he said, trying to peer through the screen. “I came here for absolution. If I’d wanted your advice I’d have asked for it. Beg her? I’ll do nothing of the sort–a man has his pride, you know!” He swept his hair back and calmed himself. “Now, can we get on with it, please?”
Oonah V Joslin lives in Northumberland, England. Winner of the Micro Horror Trophy 2007. Most read in EDF, Jan 2008. Guest judge in the Shine Journal 2008 Poetry Competition. Bewildering Stories Quarterly 4 2007 and 1 & 2 in 2008. She has had work published in Bewildering Stories, Twisted Tongue 8 & 9, Static Movement, 13 Human Souls, Back Hand Stories and The Pygmygiant, Lit Bits, The Linnet’s Wings, The Ranfurly Review and Boston Literary Magazine. The list is growing every month which pleases her immensely! You can link to work, follow up-dates and contact Oonah at http://www.writewords.org.uk/oonah/ or http://www.oonahs.blogspot.com. Oonah says: “My thanks to all of you who take the time to read and comment.”
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29 Responses to “CONFESSION • by Oonah V Joslin”
Comments
« THE LIGHTNING TREE • by Thane Thompson | Home | WHY ANDROIDS ARE HAPPY • by Gustavo Bondoni »
August 18th, 2008 at 12:42 am
Oonah:
You know what they say about confession. Your story is good for the soul, too.
K.C.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:12 am
Wickedly good tale, Oonah!
August 18th, 2008 at 2:38 am
Thank you both.
So, says I to myself, I’ve read this one…I’ll just go and have a keek at the random story of the day. And lo and behold it was ‘A wee drap o’ hospitaliy’ by Oonah V Joslin! Now don’t get me wrong - she writes tolerably well and she seems a nice enough woman but you’re on a hidin’ to nothin’ if you were trying to avoid her today.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:49 am
Great writing, Oonah. Nicely done.
John
August 18th, 2008 at 4:36 am
Very funny, Oonah. Your writing pulled me in and didn’t let ago until the end.
Well done!
August 18th, 2008 at 4:45 am
Father Ted couldn’t have done better…
August 18th, 2008 at 4:59 am
Humour in the confessional! Great writing Oonah.
Cheers
Mark
August 18th, 2008 at 6:07 am
Thank you Mark, John and Bill XXX
August 18th, 2008 at 6:10 am
pig, I am truly flattered! The writing in Ftaher Ted was so good and who can forget the one where the priests get lost in a dept store and end up in women’s lingerie?
Wicked!
August 18th, 2008 at 6:40 am
A good and fun story. Enjoyed your humour, Oonah!
August 18th, 2008 at 7:16 am
Oonah, a great and definitely wicked story that made me yearn for squishy sofas..!
August 18th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Oonah, love the humor and voice of this piece. Good fun, especially for a Monday.
August 18th, 2008 at 7:45 am
Robin,Tania, Madeline, thanks. It takes something to cheer up a Monday as wet as today is here! Glad I made you laugh.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Very funny, Oonah. Made me snicker and I’m not really even awake yet. Just wait ’til I read it this afternoon!
August 18th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Hi Oonah,
Great flow and voice. A little humor brightened a somewhat dreary day. Thanks.
–dj
August 18th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I laughed out loud at work when I read “Lord be praised!” But I wanted to find out what happened with the man and his wife…
August 18th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Thanks Kevin and dj. K Ceres Wright, glad I made you laugh out loud. That’s great. As to himself and the Missus - he’s not very repentent is he? But I have an idea she’ll come back anyway and give him hell!
August 18th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
It kept me riveted and interested and i found teh story great, i did feel teh end let it down slightly though, kind of an anticlimatic punchline. But everything else is Grade A
August 18th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Oh, I don’t know…The poor fella just wants to get on with the absolution bit so he can get back to the deadly sinning!
It’s like having to eat cabbage so you can have dessert… I thought you’d be all eaten up with sympathy! Don’t you like dessert??
August 18th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Oonah, I loved the story, loved the voices - a little touch of Bradbury in there, I thought. But I’m with M. - it seemed to peter out at the end, rather than resolving. Still, lovely writing and a fun read!
August 19th, 2008 at 12:07 am
Lol! Good one, Oonah. Thoroughly enjoyed the read.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:41 am
Last paragraph could do with a re-write to get the point across better. Was enjoying it up until that point and at first I thought the end had been truncated in the email.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:28 am
Well if I ever use this one in a collection, I’ll do a re-write on that ending. Thanks for the input. Always appreciated.
Oonah
August 19th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Another brillant one, Oonah.
August 20th, 2008 at 12:56 am
Hi there Oonah,
Love the feel of the story as it develops, but like one or two before, feel that the ending doesn’t quite live up to the rest. Nice read nonetheless.
cheers
Dave
August 21st, 2008 at 9:16 am
Thank you both for reading.
August 31st, 2008 at 3:21 am
Don’t know how I missed this one. Just tripped over it today. Great read, the characters jumped off the page for me. Some lovely subtle humour. Great style - a little J P DonLeavey.
September 6th, 2008 at 7:30 am
Sorry I’m late reading this. But it was worth the wait. Wonderful humour. Like a film in my mind.
Jennifer
November 3rd, 2008 at 3:49 pm
[...] public links >> holy Shackin’ Up Saved by socalster on Mon 03-11-2008 CONFESSION • by Oonah V Joslin Saved by retepneknarf on Sun 02-11-2008 Home Of The Ten Dollar Lap Dance… Saved by soapbox on [...]