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“I swear, Griffin, if I have to graph one more factored polynomial function my brain’s going to spontaneously combust.”
“Cool. I’ll drag you next door into Mr. Farber’s science class and turn the lab rats loose on you. Whatever’s left I’ll donate to the experimentation that goes on in the dark corners of the cafeteria. I’ll be the only one who knows the secret ingredient in next week’s mystery meat.”
“Shut up, Griffin. I’m starving. My alarm didn’t go off this morning and I missed breakfast. I’m aiming to be first in that lunch line no matter what they’re serving.”
“No one would want it anyway, Kaleigh. Your brain’s gotta be tough meat. The way you overwork that thing. Honor roll every year since middle school. Can you say gristle?”
“Yeah, but I’ll ace the SAT next week with my eyes closed.”
“Ha! Is that why you took out Miss Shipp in gym last period? Forgot to open your eyes?”
“Shut up, moron! It wasn’t my fault that I tripped over your size eleven Chucks. And hey Griffin, I’d take uncoordinated over unintelligent any day.”
“What are you looking at me for? I do okay.”
“Yeah. Right, if you call a 1.75 grade point average okay.”
“What I lack in academic excellence I make up for in pure irresistible charm. Just ask Allie.”
“Allie Benton? She wouldn’t give you a second thought.”
“Didn’t need to. She said yes the first time I asked. Before I’d even finished my sentence, I think. She couldn’t get the word out fast enough. Although, I could do better. There was a stick bug on my window screen this morning that had more shape than her.”
“You’re so deep, Griffin.”
“Hey, you don’t need deep water for a quick dip.”
“Get over yourself.”
“Not likely. Hey, slow down. What’s your hurry?”
“I told you, I’m starving.”
“No worries. The cafeteria’s got plenty of slop to go around. Hey seriously. Wait up. Jeez, Kaleigh. What the hell?”
“Shit, Griffin, Allie Benton?”
“What?”
“She’s not even your type.”
“I have a type? Ow. Quit hitting me. Okay so what’s my type?”
“Smart.”
“Smart? Hey pass me one of those puddings.”
“Witty.”
“Okay.”
“Seriously? I need to spell this out? Are all guys this clueless?”
“Are you… jealous, Kaleigh? Ow. Enough with the hitting already. And save some of that chop suey for me. Okay, I think I’m catching on. My type is smart and witty, hungry, and. . .clumsy?”
“Let’s say uncoordinated.”
“And spontaneously violent? Ow. I’m just saying. Let’s not forget gorgeous.”
“I wouldn’t say — ”
“I would. Definitely gorgeous.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m buying you lunch.”
“It’s the school cafeteria, Griffin. It won’t win you any points.”
“But it might win me a seat next to the most gorgeous girl in school.”
“We always sit together, you idiot.”
“Yeah, but that was before I knew how much you liked me.”
“Quit wiggling your eyebrows like that. You’re creeping me out.”
“So, you want to hang out this weekend?”
“I’m studying for the SATs.”
“I’m telling you, gristle.”
“Okay, I might have some time Saturday afternoon.”
“How about a swim at The Heights Beach?”
“A quick dip?”
“No. I think I’m ready to start swimming in deeper water.”
Ruth Schiffmann puts pen to paper always hoping for that magical moment when the words take on a life of their own. More than a hundred of her stories, articles, and poems have appeared in publications both in print and online. To read more of her work, visit www.RuthSchiffmann.com.
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36 Responses to “DEEP WATER • by Ruth Schiffmann”
Comments
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July 5th, 2011 at 12:19 am
I liked this a lot. Writing with dialogue only is tough, and the author managed to create believable characters through their voices. I like the fact that the story never got sentimental, and that the two characters aren’t completely likable. Five stars from me.
July 5th, 2011 at 1:35 am
Clever idea using dialogue only, but I got lost as to what they were talking about / referring to one time too many.
July 5th, 2011 at 2:04 am
Ditto, Mr Freeman.
July 5th, 2011 at 2:14 am
This started well but required too much effort. Like #2, I lost track
July 5th, 2011 at 4:27 am
I like the idea. Richard Bausch has two stories that are all dialog that work quite well and feel natural. I didn’t feel this worked as well as Bausch’s similar stories, though. Then again, he’s one of the best writers of dialog ever, probably. Too often the characters felt like they were saying things for the sake of the story format, referring directly to setting and action, so it at times felt forced and a bit contrived. Interesting experiment, but felt too much like being subjected to banal teenage conversations in real life, which I guess is a compliment, as you captured the ‘argh, please shut up’ instinct in me with the realistic, banal teenager talk.
July 5th, 2011 at 5:25 am
Liked it. Would have loved it but for one line that confused me;
“Ha! Is that why you took out Miss Shipp in gym last period? Forgot to open your eyes?”
I thought this line meant that one of the speakers was asking Miss Shipp out on a date so then I assumed both were guys (I’ve heard stranger names than Kaleigh for a guy) so I had to go back and re-read once I read the ending. Second time I understood and felt stupid but it sure threw me the first time.
Other than that, a fine read. Liked both characters and happy they’re going to head to the deep end.
July 5th, 2011 at 6:26 am
Dialogue-only stories are a tough sell, as this one demonstrates. Cute premise with equally cute characters, but their conversation didn’t sound at all natural to my mind’s ear.
What you’ve used too much of IMO is expository dialogue, where the characters “expose” much of what’s important to the story by talking to each other. When two people know each other well (as yours do) they rarely converse this way, which is why it sounds so unnatural.
That said, I think you’ve nailed the voices of these high-schoolers quite nicely, and your ending suggested a bright future for the two lovebirds in question…and what’s not to like about that? ;-D
Sweet story, Ruth. Thanks for sharing!
July 5th, 2011 at 7:18 am
Cute love story for sure. i really love dialogue only stories and this one worked really well.
Ajcp, I think the line about taking Miss Shipp out means that Kayleigh tripped and caused Miss Shipp to fall. They went on and talked about Kayleigh being clumsy after.
July 5th, 2011 at 8:25 am
FOUR stars
Great dialogue
Lost me, as in hard to
follow a coupla times.
Good overall tho
Thnks Ruth
July 5th, 2011 at 8:35 am
Got lost
July 5th, 2011 at 8:38 am
The ending three lines felt a little forced, although I imagined Griffin saying the last one with a bit of self-deprecating humour. That said, I fell in love with these characters and found their relationship to be really sweet – it’s reminiscent of a Ron-and-Hermione dynamic. As I’m 17 and just graduated high school, I identified with the situation and found their discussion to be very realistic (missing breakfast, crappy cafeteria food, polynomial functions! Good times). Kaleigh reminds me of myself – now if only I could find a Griffin!
I can start my day with a smile, so thank you.
July 5th, 2011 at 8:49 am
This story left me cold–I didn’t enjoy it all that much.
I know that writing stories using only dialogue is the newest thing in some writing circles. I personally love using dialogue to flesh out a character and move a story along. However, a story that is written in dialogue only is missing some very important components–among them setting and in some cases, mood.
It also seemed quite predictable because of the limitations for dialogue only.
July 5th, 2011 at 9:51 am
The dialogue itself is excellent, but like Paul and others I found myself getting lost a bit too often for comfort.
On stage or film this would be a real winner.
July 5th, 2011 at 10:01 am
The dialogue wasn’t natural, they say each others name far too often.
“Hey Joe.”
“Hey Mary.”
“What are you up to, Joe?”
“Nothing much, Mary.”
“Really, Joe?”
“Really what?…Mary.”
Well you get the point, it’s just plain annoying and people don’t talk like that. And it did feel forced in some places because they have to mention what they’re doing so the reader knows what’s going on.
July 5th, 2011 at 10:10 am
I didn’t get this at all on the first couple of readings, probably because I didn’t realise Kaleigh was a girl’s name. On the third reading it came together and I found it less difficult to work out just who was speaking, so my final view was that the piece had a lot of charm. Thanks for the read.
July 5th, 2011 at 10:17 am
I had no trouble at all reading the plain English in this story, and I thought the dialogue was wonderfully and realistically rendered. Great story, Ruth.
July 5th, 2011 at 11:30 am
I loved this!
It worked for me perfectly, flowing really well on the first read. I didn’t even trip over Miss Shipp, although I do see what other folks mean.
Best line ever in EDF: “What I lack in academic excellence I make up for in pure irresistible charm.”
So true of so many guys, myself included!
July 5th, 2011 at 11:33 am
Interesting story with all dialogue! Unlike some, who thought both characters were boys, I could tell right from the beginning that it was a boy and girl who were speaking, and was able to follow the conversation just fine. Overall I thought it was a very cute story! Five stars from me.
July 5th, 2011 at 11:37 am
The dialogue had a realistic youthful feel. I could picture the scene perfectly.
July 5th, 2011 at 12:14 pm
All dialogue or no dialogue, I don’t care as long as there’s a story in there. I couldn’t find one, other than a guy realizes that a girl he’s known since before middle-school is “gorgeous” and decides he wants to date her once she indicates interest.
Just not enough oomph for me, but that’s just me. Two stars..
July 5th, 2011 at 2:06 pm
That was a tricky experiment to give yourself. It worked pretty well! There are some slightly unnatural moments, but how could it be otherwise? Flash fiction in general usually contains some unnatural telescoping and stylization. And, in any case, the content of the dialog seemed natural. Good job!
July 5th, 2011 at 3:04 pm
Wait – one of these characters was a girl? I missed that entirely, not surprisingly (in my own defense) in this age of gender-neutral names. I’ll have to go back and read again.
July 5th, 2011 at 4:24 pm
Thanks, everyone, for reading and posting feedback. I always come away from the daily EDF story (and comments) having learned something that I can apply to my next story. I do appreciate that.
I have to admit, I thought I had finally dodged the gender confusion problem I’ve had in so many of my stories by choosing these names. I had no idea that Kaleigh could be mistaken for a boys name. Ah well – live and learn.
Thanks again,
Ruth
July 5th, 2011 at 5:19 pm
Ruth, I loved it! Kaleigh is smart,beautiful,and with a flair for humor but I don’t think she realizes it. Griffin thinks he’s a stud, but that’s all a put-on. I can’t imagine why all those people above me said they got lost…once I got bast those blasted factored polynomial functions I was off and running with this story. Great job!
July 5th, 2011 at 8:33 pm
Ruth , this was a great little read and i thought you captured the extreme self consciousness and preoccupation with self that are the hallmarks of the teenage experience . it is also a piece that you have to actively read and not just skim along and that might have tripped up some of the people who read it. as usual a wonderful and heartfelt effort !
July 5th, 2011 at 9:41 pm
@25, that is such an astute comment. Here we have a story that reminded me a lot of the movie Juno. An incredibly smart girl is interested in a sweet and funny somewhat doltish boy (A) and by means of the girl’s action and the boy’s reaction (B), the girl and boy are together in the end (C). There are only two people talking, obviously by the names and the conversation, a boy and a girl, nothing could be easier to follow. A wise and wonderful tale, congratulations.
July 5th, 2011 at 9:58 pm
On the other hand, next time maybe name your characters Bill and Mary.
July 7th, 2011 at 10:16 am
I liked the story, great dialogue and likeable characters for such a short piece. The ending fit. I would give it a thumbs up and recommend it to your readers.
July 10th, 2011 at 9:34 am
Don’t believe I have ever read dialogue-only before. I enjoyed the camaraderie between Kaleigh & Griffin. Great job, Ruth.
July 13th, 2011 at 7:40 pm
Fun! Probably the most enjoyable 6 minute break of my work day. Interesting that the story is all dialogue, kudos to Ruth for that!
July 13th, 2011 at 7:53 pm
I thought this was a lovely bit of dialogue, Ruth. I didn’t get mixed up at all or lose my place. I felt you broke the dialogue up just perfectly, and moved the story along quite nicely.
It’s hard not being able to insert emotions, and just convey the character through their speech. I thought you did a fantastic job.
Well done!
July 14th, 2011 at 8:57 am
Good overall story. Very interesting to read one that was all dialogue. Kept my attention throughout. Just had one problem and that was because I thought Kaleigh was a male until the ending. I wish the author had chosen a more “definite” male name like Tim or something. I think there would have been less confusion. 4 stars for me.
July 15th, 2011 at 3:12 pm
Nice experiment with dialogue only — not easy to do.
July 21st, 2011 at 12:20 pm
I loved this. I didn’t get lost a single time and was giggling by the end.
I enjoyed taking the few seconds in the beginning to find out who the characters were… “Ok, boy or girl? Ok…ok…” Thanks TO the name usage I was able to follow much more easily, I think, than otherwise. Character-development was great.
Wordplay and authentic teenage dialogue was awe-inducing.
Ending was sweet and happy!
Thanks for this story. Great fun.
July 21st, 2011 at 12:21 pm
PS: I’m also incredibly impressed that I could follow the ACTION just through dialogue. Wow. Will be using this piece as a model.
July 21st, 2011 at 6:06 pm
VERY IMPRESSIVE, RUTH!!