It’s your first date, and you enter the restaurant all full of jitters. Then, you see her for the first time. There you are. There she is. She greets you with a warm welcoming smile, her hair brushes gently against her shoulders and you gaze into each other’s eyes and damn. Damn. Damn. You know. You know, just by looking at her. That this. This is going, to end badly.
Oh. It’s going to be ugly. There’s going to be more bodies strewn upon the ground then in the last act of Hamlet. It’s Disney Presents: Texas Chainsaw Massacre! On Ice! Oh, it’s going to be ugly.
But not right away. At first it will be perfect. You two will laugh and sing. You will share everything: matches, t-shirts, hopes, desires, saliva, and other bodily fluids. There’s going to be a lot of sharing. Including the dream that you will grow old together. But, it’s going to end. It’s going to be bad.
The phone will ring at all hours of the evening. There will be a three-block radius of broken dishes. Mutual friends will be divided King Solomon style. Ambulance drivers will take bets on who will be called to your apartment next. There’s going to be more ashen, stoney faces than in Pompei. Seven out of the ten Biblical plagues will be unleashed on an unsuspecting world. Frogs. Think frogs. There’s going to be frogs everywhere.
Everyone’s going to drink too much. Everyone’s going to cry all night. Everybody is going to get burned. This is not the fairy tale ending you were looking for. Unless, of course, your fairy godfather is Vlad the Impaler.
But here you are still on your first date without a word yet spoken, and you know what you should say. You should look at her deep in the eyes and say, “Hi. Gotta go. Gotta run. I gotta go home and floss my cat. I gotta shave my head and sell flowers at the airport. I gotta be anywhere. But here.”
But you don’t say that. No. Not you. You stand on the edge of the abyss and say, “Hi. It’s really nice to meet you after all this time. There’s a table open, shall we?”
And so you sit. And you eat. And you laugh. And you wind up holding hands under the table, because you realize that every ending, has to start somewhere.
Dave Macpherson lives in Worcester, MA with his wife Heather and son George.
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32 Responses to “FIRST DATE • by Dave Macpherson”
Comments
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March 9th, 2009 at 1:33 am
“There’s going to be more ashen, stoney faces than in Pompei.”
Excellent!
March 9th, 2009 at 1:55 am
Didn’t exactly set my world on fire, but a well-written piece.
I also loved the Pompeii quote – very memorable.
March 9th, 2009 at 2:21 am
Some really nice turns of phrase; I especially liked the frogs. But there are some really awkward phrases here too. It ends up reading like you had a list of bad-relationship descriptions you were determined to get in, and as a result the piece is about a third longer than it should be.
March 9th, 2009 at 2:27 am
This is a good piece with some fairly atrocious comma-use. In particular:
“This is going, to end badly.”
and
“because you realize that every ending, has to start somewhere.”
Should not have commas at all. I presume the author is going for pauses, as would perhaps be used in normal speech, but it just makes it look and sound weird to me.
Other than that, I love the setting and concept, and it’s well-written, on the whole.
March 9th, 2009 at 2:39 am
I second the comments on commas. I enjoyed the story, but the comma usage was odd, to put it nicely, which distracted me from the storyline. It makes me wonder how this gets by the decision makers of everydayfiction.com. Are they so swamped that stories are not being edited?
March 9th, 2009 at 5:01 am
Some interesting phrases but some that are trying too hard. I like most of what I’ve seen by DM but this is not one of his best.
March 9th, 2009 at 5:08 am
Maybe I was reading through too quickly, ’cause I missed the commas.
Seemed like an event as relayed by a Woody Allen-type character, convinnced he’s doomed to romantic failure but continually trying anyway.
I liked it.
March 9th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Entertaining and fun.
March 9th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Made me laugh
March 9th, 2009 at 5:38 am
I enjoyed the humor and the hyperbole. A nice bit of sarcasm to start the week.
March 9th, 2009 at 5:50 am
With the wide range of genres that appear here, I wasn’t sure whether or not this was going to lead to a serial killer lining up his next victim or a “romance” story. Sort of pleased it fit more in the “romance” category.
I agree with the Woody Allen assessment; this sounded like the voice over of the main character in the beginning of one of his movies. Actually, this was probably funnier–a little more universal and a little less New York.
Punctuation was a distraction and I couldn’t shake a sense of deja-vu while reading this. I think it was one of the few shorts that I’ve read where 2nd person worked.
Best,
–John
March 9th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Really enjoyed this – didn’t notice the commas, but now, you mention it…it didn’t grate too much then!
March 9th, 2009 at 6:07 am
How true those first dates can be…and the meories it brings back.
Some editing for puncutation needed, of course, but I’m in desparate straits for humor now, so it didn’t matter.
March 9th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Very excellent story. Firmly grounded in reality, fine second person dialogue, alive verbal expressions, AND GOOD ADVICE.
Dating services are really bad news, and “dating” action at a distance P.U.
March 9th, 2009 at 7:03 am
For me this one crashed & burned. You said it all in the beginning–then colorfully battered the point into the ground. By about the third paragraph of how badly it was going to end I was saying, ‘Okay- okay- it’s going to end very badly . . . aaaand what else is going to happen?’ There must be some explanation of why the MC sees this coming, right? Isn’t *that* the story? What is it about her that reminds him of such a colorful wave of problems roaring his way? I read trying to find out, and you never got there. I think the wit and style displayed proves you can do a lot better and look forward to something a little more fulfilling in the future.
March 9th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Oh, Dave! It was just like that, wasn’t it?
I loved some of your phrasing – the commas were odd, but I know sometimes stuff slips through even on the final edit. Great story in the here-and-now style.
March 9th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Then/than confusion.
Good use of the second person, but this one went on too long for me. I was asking myself what kind of idiot would keep going if he saw this all so clearly? Or why he wouldn’t just have a nice dinner and not follow up?
March 9th, 2009 at 10:31 am
We did notice the unconventional use of commas, but after some thought concluded that they were an author choice to indicate pauses, and therefore opted not to unilaterally remove them.
We do edit the stories, Fred, but we don’t have the time to check with authors about potential changes, so once a story is accepted we stick with minor copy-editing rather than interfering with what was possibly a deliberate style choice by the author.
Dave, if any of those commas were errors rather than a choice on your part, please let me know and I’ll remove them.
March 9th, 2009 at 11:12 am
the choices are mine. more commas than strunk or white would like but a lot less than would be seen in an issue of the New Yorker when it was edited by H Ross. I stand by my writing and hope I entertain. If one has issues with the way it is presented, that is there choice. The one thing that upsets is me is when the commenters turn on the editors of everyday fiction. That is snide and uncalled for. The choices were mine and the editors were gracious enough to let me have them. If you do not like them, please, avoid my writing if you come across it, don’t make rude asides to those who are not responsible for them. Just avoid.
March 9th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I enjoyed this. It was kinda creepy and kinda fun. The second person was refreshing and different.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
This piece was funny and included some really nice turns of phrase and descriptions. I felt sad for the poor narrator, though — what a horribly negative outlook to have on life. Though, it says something that he was willing to go on the date anyway.
March 9th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Love it – very powerful, with a good twist. A great end line too.
Axxx
March 9th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Dave,
I didn’t turn on anyone, nor was I rude; I simply asked a question. I know they are short-handed, so I wondered if they were so busy they did not have time to edit.
Camille,
Thank you for the answer to my question. I appreciate your time, and your answer makes sense.
March 9th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Dave,
I liked this one. Thought the comma use was intentional, but it did’t bother me as much as others. Second person is always a nice change of pace. And what man among us doesn’t do the expediant when there lies a pretty face before us?
–dj
March 9th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Awesome! sums up a cynical state of mind that I can relate to… not in my present relationship though…
Good twist at the end, gonna try anyways.
p.s. lay, off, about, the, comma, preferences,
March 9th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Oh, my, that, was, a, nice, shot, you, took.
I, do, appreciate, a, pause, for, effect, but, I, like, to, do, it, in, other, ways.
“This is going to end…badly….Very badly.”
“because you realize that every ending…has to start somewhere.”
Let’s, move, on, shall, we?
March 9th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
The comma usage annoyed me. Other than that, an interesting story.
March 10th, 2009 at 12:13 am
If anything needs more proof reading, it’s this bunch of comments.
March 10th, 2009 at 6:20 am
to p.m.lawrence…YAY!
March 13th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Oh, such a sad story, but so much truth in it. There’s a typo/error in “There’s going to be more bodies strewn upon the ground then in the last act of Hamlet” – THAN. I like the way you’ve brought out this sense of doom set against the good potential of the first date.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Bloody brilliant. As is.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I wish I’d written this. I wish I COULD write this. I love every over-the-top underhanded nuance.