I flick on the TV to watch a rerun of “Without a Trace” and some news guy — the geeky, stand-up kind who gets the sidebar gig, not the hard news gig — is reporting from a research facility about what to do if your car gets swept away in a flash flood. With you in it.
Apparently there is procedure to deal with this.
I live in the desert, so I never give much thought to the possibility of me landing my hatchback nose-down in the drink. But out here among the cacti, dry creek beds suddenly swell into raging rivers of water, sand, and debris. I prop my feet on the empty milk crate to watch.
Some guy in the white coat with the plastic badge over his heart says, “First thing, open the windows and let the water in.”
Are you fucking kidding me? That Geo gives me claustrophobia as it is.
The geeky, stand-up reporter lets his brows furl together. “Isn’t that counter-intuitive?”
Fuck, yeah.
The researcher plays with his badge, then remembers he’s on camera. Looks up. Flashes a smile. “Yes, of course, but it’s essential to prepare as many exits from the vehicle as possible.”
Hypothetically, I’m strapped in an automobile that weighs two-three-thousand pounds, dragging me deeper every second, and he wants me to take the time to prepare.
Let the water in, my ass.
The researcher senses my panic. He looks through the camera right at me sitting on my futon, slugging down my Kilt Lifter ale, and says, “Stay calm.”
Stay calm? I finally meet a woman I can tolerate — she’s in the shower right now running her hands over her Poppy Montgomery breasts and I’m out here trying to get the 411 on how to save myself from drowning in the fucking desert? Calmness is not part of this equation.
Wait. On TV, the guy in the white coat is helping a woman into a cable car-looking thing suspended over a huge tank of water. What did I miss? What’s the geeky guy saying?
“According to researchers here at the institute, in order to open the door of your vehicle under water, you will have to wait for the pressure on the inside and the outside to equalize.”
Wait! Let me get this straight.
I open the windows and sit in my beater until the water on the inside is the same amount as the water on the outside. Are these people insane? I’m plummeting into oxygen-deprived liquid and this asshole wants me to wait?
What’s he saying now?
“Be sure to keep your seatbelt on so you can remain in control of your movements, especially if there are small children with you.”
Seat belts on. That doesn’t sound right. Wouldn’t I need to release the seat belt to swim out the open window? But I’m riveted. They’re showing a seat-belt slicing tool with a safety edge. Is this something I can pick up in the automotive section at Wal-Mart?
Now the woman who climbed into the experimental cable car thing with the help of the leering white-coated man is up to her eyebrows in water.
“Why is she keeping her eyes closed?” asks the reporter. Good fucking question.
The man in the white coat smiles. “Visibility is poor so it’s better to deter the oil and pollution in the water from damaging your eyes by keeping them closed.”
Let me recap.
In case of plunging into a river during a flash flood, I should do the following:
- Open all the windows and let the water in.
- Stay calm.
- Keep my seatbelt on.
- Keep my eyes shut.
- Wait for water to fill the car.
I switch off the TV. Climb into bed and pray for drought.
By the time the woman with the Poppy Montgomery boobs slips out the trailer door, snagging the twenties I left on the counter, the pressure on the inside and the outside is just about equal.
Gay Degani has been published in THEMA, The Best of Every Day Fiction 2008, and two mystery anthologies well as on-line at Every Day Fiction, Night Train, 3 A.M. Magazine, 10Flash, Flash Fiction Online, Tattoo Highway, and Salt River Review. Stories forthcoming will appear in The Battered Suitcase, 10Flash, and W. W. Norton’s Hint Fiction Anthology. She is still working on her mystery novel.
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35 Responses to “FLASH FLOOD • by Gay Degani”
Comments
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December 14th, 2009 at 1:32 am
Brilliantly funny, Gay, but never at the expense of credibility. I believed in this character, 100%. The bit about the pressure inside and out, at the end? Terrific. 5 stars from me.
December 14th, 2009 at 4:10 am
The anxiety in this character’s voice – palpable and credible. The ‘geeky researcher with the sidebar gig’ set the tone and kept me reading. Brava! Peace, Linda
December 14th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Good one, Gay! Love that last line.
December 14th, 2009 at 6:24 am
I hate to be the prude here, but the story would have been just as strong for me if the blue prose had been left out. Otherwise I found it an entertaining and interesting read. You get a four from me.
December 14th, 2009 at 7:04 am
This story did not make a heck of a lot of sense to me. It didn’t seem to go anywhere. Some of the writing was funny, but the whole thing just didn’t add up. That the woman was getting paid was a bit of a surprise at the end, but not enough to salvage things.
By the way, who is “Poppy Montgomery”?
December 14th, 2009 at 7:24 am
The guy is angry, but I never quite latched onto why. He seems to be slightly misogynistic, wrong-side-of-the-tracks-poor (not so poor as to be unable to afford “professional services”, ah but we all have our priorities), but there’s not really enough about him. His reactions to the newscast result in rhetorical incredulity that is the backbone of the humor, but which is essentially the same as a stand-up routine and after awhile loses “the funny.”
Poppy Montgomery is an actress on “Without a Trace”. She also played Marilyn Monroe in some special a few years back. She is, in the parlance, a “hottie”.
–John
December 14th, 2009 at 7:32 am
The voice was dead on, a tight male character and I loved the whole idea of analyzing the reporter’s facts with humor. Great job G! 5 stars!
PS Poppy M is an actress on “Without a Trace.”
December 14th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Thanks guys for the comments. Especially those of you who liked it. I love it myself. Proud I wrote it.
There was some concern about the prose, but EDF was very supportive about keeping the character in character.
This kind of thing isn’t everyone’s cup of joe, so it’s all cool.
December 14th, 2009 at 7:55 am
I loved it. Everything from the expert’s advising people to kill themselves to the girl’s Poppy Montgomery breasts. Somhow I don’t think this paticular expert wants us to live. Five stars!
December 14th, 2009 at 8:04 am
heh, enjoyed this a lot, as well as the ensuing Google of Poppy.
December 14th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Good work, Gay. One of my favorites I’ve read of yours. The wry and dry irony makes the piece.
December 14th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Cute
December 14th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Great write. Loved the humor and the sarcastic character. He’s got that roguish feel that works quite nicely in these kinds of pieces.
Keep ‘em comin’! (And I am not talkin’ about Poppy!)
December 14th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Too funny, Gay – and spot on with the voice. I live in Gay’s neck of the woods, and flash flooding in the desert is a real threat – thanks for the excellent survival advice, the giggle-inducing story, and the peek into my neighbor’s head. I swear, that guy is still sitting in his dilapidated trailer in the dirt out in Joshua Tree, still guzzling cheap ale and still watching WAT on his converter-box TV. The girl with the big perkies works the truck stop… PS – the voice & language were perfect for him.
December 14th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Bravo! *clap, clap, clap*
December 14th, 2009 at 10:08 am
[...] (Speaking of Gay, she’s got a pair of new stories up that you should check out, here and here.) [...]
December 14th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Thanks all of you who like this one. I so appreciate your kind words.
December 14th, 2009 at 10:24 am
My God this is FUNNY! You captured the character and situation beautifully! Thanks Gay!
December 14th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Sorry I came in late on this one. This is a hoot, Gay, “blue” language and all.
(Let’s see; when was the last time I heard someone call profanity “blue”?)
December 14th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I gave you five stars, BTW.
December 14th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Mostly solid story. I agree that the woman at the end didn’t add anything, I was distracted from the flooding by wondering who Poppy Montgomery was and why it mattered. If you end with “pray for drought” you have a well-crafted strong character and a great black comedy.
December 14th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Damn, that is funny. I don’t normally care about slackers, but this guy caught my attention. “Poppy” doesn’t add much, but she’s a good literary distraction.
Oh, by the way, my hat’s off to you for doing a male POV. Gender Genie gives it 1,034 male vs. 813 female score. Tough job to pull off.
December 14th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Sorry but I only gave it a 2**
Totally ruined it with the
Hooker part.
Rewrite it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
December 14th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
I loved it and since I’m reading this on my puter, I googled Poppy. He was a hoot and sounds as though the ONLY way he would get a Poppy to come to his trailer would be cash.
December 14th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
So funny how many people think the poppy part is a distraction when for me she’s the point. I won’t explain it, just challenge you to consider if you are so inclined. If not, don’t worry about it. It’s all good.
December 14th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
I think it’s great! And I think the hooker part is ALSO the point!! It’s who he is. Without it, his character would simply be a man watching tv. His reactions to this newscast and his complacent attitude towards life is exactly why he needs a hooker. Right ladies?
December 14th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Nice, Gay. I like the voice–authentic all the way down to the microwaved gravy-stained beater.
A FIVE star how-to in hilarity.
December 15th, 2009 at 8:39 am
I gave this five stars. Other than just being entertaining, you maintained the integrity of the story not only through voice, but also through situation. I love these voices you through out there, Gay. Brilliant.
December 15th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Your work is always right between the eyes. I’m waiting for the pressure to equalize right now. Wow!
December 15th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
think you got the voice just right Gay, and it was funny.
December 15th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Again, thank you guys for taking the time to read. This definitely a change of pace from the usual holiday fare.
December 15th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
love this funny and different…full of strong observations?
December 16th, 2009 at 3:28 am
[...] is the editor of Flash Fiction Chronicles. Her fiction is recently published or forthcoming in Every Day Fiction, The Battered Suitcase, Paradigm, and 10Flash. « Making Time to Write | [...]
December 19th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
I really liked this one Gay. I could picture this guy quite vividly. Great last line !
February 26th, 2010 at 9:24 am
[...] Her stories online can be read at Smokelong Quarterly, The Battered Suitcase, Night Train, Every Day Fiction as well as other publications. Pomegranate Stories is a collection of eight stories by Gay. She [...]