Sponsor a story at EDF - Your message can reach thousands of readers for just $4
Bob Grebble is my section supervisor. He’s a bitter loser. Bob eats little cans of stew and reads gun magazines. Management squeezes Bob to increase production while they cut resources. How typical of this place. I figure management wants Bob fired so they can hire a younger supervisor at a lower salary. (Actually, I know this for a fact because I take frequent washroom breaks. Only last week, I overheard Toad Woman discussing Bob’s severance with the comptroller.) Bob’s loss is my gain. I’m senior enough to inherit his job.
“Hey Prime Time, get your fat ass typing.”
“Certainly, Bob. I’ll just input the Lindquist report.”
(Ha! I’m not inputting jack. I’m writing this.)
“I want that report ASAP. Don’t make me write you up again.”
“Yes, Bob. Certainly.”
Go choke on a can of stew. And who says ‘ASAP’ anymore? I’m tapping away, my keyboard making busy work-like sounds. I’m even humming as if content. Today, I’m humming a medley of 80s songs: Cyndi Lauper, Yes, Run-DMC. Now I’ve settled on the Alan Parsons Project.
Actually, I am content, doing what I do best.
Thinking up fresh ideas.
My name is Walter Gobi. I like terrariums and pipe organ music. I once downloaded an album featuring the Go-Gos Greatest Hits played entirely on a baseball stadium organ. Wow! The hair on the back of my neck just stood up thinking about “Beatnik Beach”.
Anyway, Bob and the other office goblins here at Fairchild Industries call me ‘Prime Time’. Once in the break room I boasted my fresh ideas would rocket me to televised fame. They mocked me and flipped tangerines in my direction. Dumb exploited losers.
Because I’m 37 and live above a Studio City garage, tightly wound dolts like Bob Grebble think I’m a failure. Wrong! No lasting relationships free me up to be creative. I watch seven hours of TV a night and take extensive notes. And I don’t live alone. I have a gecko. I feed him crickets. Each cricket is called “Bob” or “Bobbie” or “Robert K. Grebble.” (I felt nervous typing that and looked up to find Bob. He’s arguing with Toad Woman, our department head.)
I have lots of ideas such as using apes to find equipment lost at the bottom of the sea. (Repeated dunkings build up their lung capacity.) But most of my ideas are for TV. Here’s a cop show I think will really catch on. Its called Epoch. Each week a crime is committed and the police must solve it within a geological epoch. In the foreground, the police could be knocking on doors and asking questions. But behind them we see the city decay and buildings disappear and a forest arise. Then the police turn around, but there’s an oak tree where their car used to be because an epoch is passing. I tried Fox, but they said they already had something like it in development.
Breaking news! Here among the fluorescent lights, tiny cubicles and industrial gray carpet of Fairchild Industries, justice has arrived. Toad Woman fired Bob! Bob’s shouting wildly, making threats. Toad Woman called Security. Oh, what a plate of goodness, rich as a big Mexican meal with golden beans. I think I’ll hum some Eurhythmics. A little “Sweet Dreams” if you please. I’ll like being section supervisor.
Here’s an idea for a reality show entitled, “Yes, I Am a Dentist.” Eight men and women in different cities, without any medical training, impersonate dentists. The one who gets away with it longest wins an electric car.
Whoa! Bit of a scuffle! Bob Grebble got wrestled out the front door by that hick guard, Darrell Something. This is so sweet. Toad Woman is talking on her cell phone, notifying upper management, letting them know how professionally she handled things. What a kiss-ass!
That’s what minor power does. So typical of Fairchild. They give the weak a little authority to toss away weaker ones. Only wisdom and compassion, such as mine, can overcome the allure of power. This is reflected in my idea to have combs and pocket-handkerchiefs on every corner that could be taken by people and later exchanged for cleaner ones.
Toad Woman dropped her cell phone and sprinted past me. She runs well for a short, squat woman in platform heels. Darrell Something — Garmenting, that’s his name — Darrell Garmenting also bolted by my cubicle, his guard keys jingling like sleigh bells.
Toad Woman and Darrell duck inside the break room and close the door.
Meanwhile, Bob Grebble has re-entered the building.
His hand is inside a backpack.
I stop humming.
Bob’s bellowing about cold stew; cold stew for cold people. A metaphor? A quip?
I am suddenly frightened. So frightened, I keep typing this, this, this, this……..
I want to be Harry Potter and vanish to that town near Hogwarts where I’ll buy sweets for my friends.
Bob and his backpack are here, smelling of WD-40 and gun oil.
“Watcha typing, Prime Time? Better not lie.”
“Nothing, Bob,” I whisper. “Just a few ideas.”
“Keep it up, Gobi.”
He walks away, pulling a large semi-automatic pistol from the backpack. I am so relieved I hum “Mr. Roboto” by Styx.
Section supervisor? Couldn’t today’s events propel me even higher?
I stand and catch Bob’s eye, pointing to the break room.
Thousand one, thousand two, thousand three…
Pop! Pop-pop-poppoppoppoppop!
I believe the position of department head just opened.
Of course, Toad Woman was a sloppy, inefficient manager. She should’ve fired Bob years ago.
Luckily, I possess fresh ideas to tighten things up around here.
I hum a little Tears for Fears: “Everybody Wants to Rule the World.”
After years of writing TV animation, John P. McCann is enjoying short fiction. He’s recently been published in “Night Chills”, and has written a number of wry, ironic wanted posters that should be up shortly on the FBI’s website.
GD Star Rating
loading...
loading...
Did you like this story?
A new and interesting story is posted every day.
A new and interesting story is posted every day.
Subscribe to the RSS Feed! (what is rss)
Don’t miss another story! Subscribe to Every Day Fiction via RSS.- Share on Facebook
46 Responses to “FRESH IDEAS • by John P. McCann”
Comments
« Podcast EDF025: The destiny of Archer Deft • written by Douglas Campbell • read by John Towler | Home | WARNING BELLES • by J.C. Towler »
May 24th, 2010 at 3:29 am
Definitely a five. Great story.
May 24th, 2010 at 4:44 am
Hysterical, riveting, extraordinary flash. Superb. Masterfully done.
May 24th, 2010 at 4:59 am
Part of me laughed. Part of me was horrified. Well done!
May 24th, 2010 at 7:21 am
Wow, Gobi was scary. Not sure if I liked the story or not but it was definitly creepy, so if that was thaffect you wer going for, it did its job.
May 24th, 2010 at 7:25 am
Nicely done. The loony ideas alone were worth the price of admission. Good soundtrack as well. All this and a dark caramel center too. Yum.
May 24th, 2010 at 7:33 am
Your keen insight into the minutiae of American culture has raised boring office trivia to the eloquent heights of literature. Well done, medium, rare.
May 24th, 2010 at 7:40 am
I have a long-term relationship and no gecko, but somehow I can totally relate to Walter Gobi.
May 24th, 2010 at 8:24 am
Wonderfully done John
5 *****
May 24th, 2010 at 8:29 am
I think I fell in love with this character–just a little.
May 24th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Very clever, delightfully satirical, and well-written. Fine work!
May 24th, 2010 at 9:23 am
Fabulous work, John. So hard to nail something that complex in so short a space. Well done!!
May 24th, 2010 at 9:50 am
So that’s what people are doing in cubicles! Great pace and a whollop of contemporary life. I’ll be recommending this to many.
May 24th, 2010 at 9:54 am
This was awesome.
May 24th, 2010 at 9:55 am
OMG! You made me feel all the emotions I am capable of in just 2 minutes… Love your writing.
May 24th, 2010 at 10:21 am
Didn’t see that coming… great story!
May 24th, 2010 at 10:45 am
“I believe the position of department head just opened.”
Fabulous! Five cans of stew out of five!
May 24th, 2010 at 11:01 am
I like Walter and his quirky little self.
May 24th, 2010 at 11:42 am
Enjoyable read. I know people who eat little cans of stew for lunch.
May 24th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
I feel for the gecko. Soon a whole new world opens for Gobi, and there are more than crickets to play with. I love this tale.
May 24th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
What a sensitive, caring guy that. He’ll make an excellent Department Head.
May 24th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Couldn’t tear my eyes away! Love the dark humor! Thanks for sharing
May 24th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Well, done short story. Dark humor is so under appreciated and hard to do in a short.
May 24th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
We at Fairchild Industry wish to assure our partners, suppliers and customers that the incident described in Mr. McCann’s piece of fiction never occurred and have taken steps to make sure it never happens again.
May 24th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
I’d forgotten how much I liked listening to your stories. I’m with Bernadette. Well done!
May 24th, 2010 at 5:07 pm
Love it, love it, love it. Top notch stuff!
May 24th, 2010 at 5:53 pm
Ya, I want to “rule the world” also……
I can still picture toad woman in her heals……
Poor gal….
Good story sweetie.
May 24th, 2010 at 6:23 pm
I am giving you a sixth can of stew for desert.
Great story.
May 24th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
That was superb! I couldn’t even begin to predict what was going to happen. But I must say this. I did what you asked and came over here to read your short story and gave it it’s deserved praise. So, all I ask is that you look at my blog and tell me what you think of my ideas for an animated series, or novel, haven’t decided yet. And tell me where I can improve. Please, it would mean the world to me.
May 24th, 2010 at 7:26 pm
If I were still teaching literature, I would make this required reading for my students! Love it, John.
May 24th, 2010 at 7:27 pm
I love this story!
May 25th, 2010 at 1:16 am
Superb. I echo the comments above. What a great voice!
May 25th, 2010 at 7:32 am
Nicely written – the tale of a man’s calm, yet utilitarian lust for power, complete with song lyrics in case you prefer music playing in the frontal lobe corridors as you read. The writer has supplied everything in this succinct literary kit and should be commended.
May 25th, 2010 at 5:35 pm
Why isn’t there a rating higher than five? This story goes to eleven.
May 26th, 2010 at 9:46 am
Hot Damn!!! You’re GOOOOD!
Loved it so much I’m sending a link to all my gals!
May 27th, 2010 at 6:15 am
Corporate underlings thrive on just such a fantasy; you must have taken a poll. Great one.
June 6th, 2010 at 4:32 pm
the writing was too fast for me to read. down at the home I have troubel reading
“fruit cup” or Cherios” before the waitress chick (she is 84 but still a chick) tells
me time is up.
McCann must write slower!!
jw
June 7th, 2010 at 6:51 pm
well-written psycho.
the character, not the author.
I eat little cans of vienna sausages. I didn’t realize the extent of his detachment (despite pipe-organ music) ’til he pointed. yikes.
June 11th, 2010 at 9:04 am
…..ah, all in a day’s work!!! Great stuff, bud, keep up the good work, don’t worry, a promotion is only a shot away!!!
June 30th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Gobi’s scarier than Grebble, and much more ubiquitous!
“Oh, McCann, you-hoove done it again!”
Enjoyed the ride.
July 4th, 2010 at 7:47 am
I cannot tell you the delight with which I enjoyed the pop-pop-pop of the department head! Resentment toward management runs deep since I’m not even working anymore!
July 12th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Wait . . . is this autobiographical?
July 12th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
[...] called “Fresh Ideas,” and it’s a fine piece of micro-fiction written by a casual acquaintance of [...]
July 22nd, 2010 at 2:20 pm
This is pretty amusing stuff, but is it just me or does the tense change halfway through and then back again? The bit with Toad Woman calling security and bolting for the breakroom seems to widge around between past and present in a way that makes my head hurt a bit.
August 16th, 2010 at 5:03 am
Great story.
September 19th, 2010 at 11:38 pm
Absolutely loved the story. Best one I’ve read on this website.
April 11th, 2011 at 5:08 pm
[...] Short stories by John P. McCann that are accessible online:— Death Honk— Fresh Ideas [...]