I can say it now; the gags have been removed.
I can admit that I unleashed a monster upon America; a bumbling, mumbling television superstar that children love and parents loathe.
Hear me; I created Richard, the One-Eyed Hound.
I was three weeks away from completing work for my master’s degree in performance arts. All that was left was presentation of my thesis production; the stage was reserved, the actors, stage crew, scene designer, everyone was ready.
There was one problem.
My work was to be a satire, a scathing examination of everything I believed to be wrong with children’s television programming, but I had nothing on paper beyond fits and false starts and reams of crumpled 20-pound white covered with dribble. Finally, Andrea, my roommate, tired of hearing me whimper.
“All work and no play, Susie,” she said. “Let’s go have a few drinks.”
That was Andrea’s solution to all of life’s miseries. A few drinks. Even so, that Friday I decided she was right. A few drinks became a few too many, and I woke up Saturday afternoon with the parent of all hangovers. But I wasn’t alone. The first draft of a stage play lay stacked upon the floor at the center of my room; above it, hanging from the light fixture, was Richard.
Unless you’ve been in a coma, you’ve seen him; seven feet tall and bright yellow, with big feet and a round head and a silly pirate’s eye patch. I read the script I couldn’t remember writing. It wasn’t like anything I would have done sober; instead, it was perfect and so was the costume.
Rehearsals started, sets got built, invitations sent and, on opening night, Hair of the Dog played to a sell-out crowd; I didn’t realize, at the time, how prophetic that phrase would be. A week later, now entitled to add M.S. to my name, I got a call from the manager of the university’s public television affiliate. His wife had dragged him to see my play; he thought it was brilliant, that’s the word he used, and he had told people he knew about it.
Three months later, I sold Richard to one of the television networks–you know which one–for more money than I ever imagined I would see in a lifetime. And, after all their promises, the bastards took my baby and corrupted him; bent him into everything I was railing against in my play.
Since then, I have fought one legal battle after another. The producers of Richard didn’t see the need to let anyone know how their new hero had started life, and so my name wasn’t listed anywhere in the show credits; neither was the title of my play. The contract I signed, when they handed me all that money, had a gag order that prohibited me from revealing my connection to the character. I have spent most of the money I was paid on lawyers to win back the right to claim the Hound as my creation.
It was worth it, even though the network attorneys say that Richard is so entrenched in the American subconscious that there isn’t a thing I can say or do now that will change the way people see him.
Maybe so, but I’m sitting in a green room, waiting to appear on the morning talk show of an opposing network, and in just a few minutes I’ll go on camera and tell millions of people that Richard, the One-Eyed Hound, was gifted, in a fit of drunken humor, with my nickname for a long-gone boyfriend’s most precious piece of anatomy.
K.C. Ball is a retired newspaper reporter and media relations coordinator. She lives in Seattle, a stone’s throw from Puget Sound, with the love of her life and two demanding cats. She writes because if she doesn’t she’ll just burst.
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19 Responses to “HAIR OF THE DOG • by K.C. Ball”
Comments
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August 25th, 2008 at 4:09 am
Apologies all around on this one.
Hair of the Dog, no pun intended, is a shaggy dog joke; if it were a Monty Python sketch, Eric Idle would be waggling his eyebrows, doing some elbow-poking and spouting, “Know what I mean? Know what I mean?”
I confess that I have a weakness for this sort of humor; sometimes, I think I should just be taken out back of the barn and put out of my misery.
K.C.
August 25th, 2008 at 4:57 am
Very very funny! The story was so funny in and of itself that the punch line caught me totally by surprise! And this in spite of the fact that I have known a few pieces of anatomy with variations on the name!
Bonnie!
August 25th, 2008 at 5:20 am
What misery? Don’t see any weakness here either. A great story, well written, with a corker of an ending that more than did justice to what went before.
Or maybe I’ll see you at the back of that barn
August 25th, 2008 at 5:46 am
I love the irony. Very clever, K.C.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:14 am
funny-a wicked little tale!
August 25th, 2008 at 7:23 am
So my question is have you filled out an app for SNL yet? Humor is your strength! Love to see more!
August 25th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Loved it! Funny and clever.
August 25th, 2008 at 7:49 am
A nice laugh before starting the morning grind!
August 25th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Very funny and a great punchline.
Cheers
Mark
August 25th, 2008 at 8:57 am
KC, I agree with Gay about humor as your strength. A chuckle and a snort for a Monday morning.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Just a great tale, KC.
Fabulous voice and flow.
–dj
August 25th, 2008 at 9:25 am
Very funny, K.C.
Lots of comedy there, but you cinched it in the end. I like it a lot.
August 25th, 2008 at 11:06 am
*groan*!
August 25th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Oh yeah, loved this!
August 25th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Funny, KC. Great conversational voice. Funny punchline. I loved it.
August 25th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Thank you all so much for the kind words. I was a bit worried about this one. I’m never certain whether people get my sense of humor or not, although after posting for four months in the EDF forums, I’m beginning to see that most of you share it.
And Oonah — corker was my mother’s favorite word, one of mine, too, and it has been so long since I have heard it. Thank you.
K.C.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:28 am
don’t burst KC, keep writing.
August 28th, 2008 at 7:34 am
KC, this is great. You have a talent for comedy and you should play to your strengths as a writer which you have done here - it really works well. That last line delivered the little dash of poison which, for me, helps the best humour go down smoothly. Good work!
August 28th, 2008 at 7:51 am
Excellent.