I am the spider. The one there in the corner. No, the other corner; the shadowy one above the lamp.
This is my room, you know. I can’t imagine what you think you are doing here. And marching in without knocking, too. It’s my room. See? See how I’ve wrapped it all up in my silk? All safe. Everything.
I know. Lovely, isn’t it? But why do you wrinkle your nose so? Oh. Surely you’re wondering at the complete lack of moths and beetles and nasty woodworms. This sort of room is usually crawling with them. But not mine. No, indeed. They don’t last long here. I eat them all. Last spring I even caught a mouse. And I ate it, too. Oh, yes. Do not look so disgusted: there is half a year’s worth of meals in a mouse. Keeping it still, that was the problem. You wouldn’t believe how it wriggled about. Snapping, clawing, squeaking all over the place. Horrid thing very nearly bit off one of my legs. And such pretty legs I have, too. See how long and slender they are. Unlike yours, I’m sorry to say.
Now, now, don’t get all insulted and turn your back on me! I am simply saying you are plump. There’s nothing wrong with that. And there’s nothing wrong with you otherwise, though I can’t say I approve of your cap. All frilly and lacy. A cheap imitation, I say. An inferior copy of good spider-weave. I could…
No! Don’t touch that. What are you doing, you silly goose? Put down that feather duster! Put… Stop it! You wicked girl, you are ruining everyth…
No. No, you didn’t. You simply could not have just rent in two that lovely curtain I made last Christmas. Have you any notion how much work a web of such size takes? Huge enormous masses of it! Girl, do not… Ack! Stay away! Clumsy twat! You almost smashed me.
Oh, dear. My pretty, safe room. Please go away. And… Oh, what now? Why on earth are you screeching? Goodness sake’s alive, girl, shut…
Ow! What in the name of… Ow! Watch where you swing that thing. Are your trying to kill me?
I’m warning you, girl. If you keep screaming and chasing me with that duster, I will bite you. I will! (Though you would take such an awful lot of spider silk do in. And I am rather afraid you would go bad before I could finish you. After all, you are so very large…
THWACK!!!
Stefan Bachmann writes out of Zurich, Switzerland.
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29 Responses to “I AM THE SPIDER • by Stefan Bachmann”
Comments
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June 22nd, 2009 at 1:28 am
Loved it!
I, for one, am pro spiders and snakes. I think they beat the alternative: infestations of rats and skeeters.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:55 am
Hmmmmmmm! I’m not a great one for stories from a creature’s POV, but this one well written and entertaining enough.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:07 am
Nope, this one didn’t do anything for me at all. The spider’s voice wasn’t original enough to overcome the triteness of the conceit.
And it may have been better without the “Thwack” at the end.
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:07 am
Sorry, not really my thing.
Strange range of insults from “Silly goose” to “Clumsy twat”. Last paragraph (before thwack!) missed a close bracket, and I wasn’t sure about “do in”, either.
Expected something stronger on here, although it was unusual.
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:47 am
Great! Loved the ending, although it was a little predictable.
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:06 am
Stefan: Entertaining throughout. I chuckled out loud. Thanks – - -
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:23 am
Hmmm . . . I was really hoping that the spider was going to win that final bout.
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:30 am
Thanks everyone for commenting! I know it’s not an awesome story. Maybe it’s too British
So since I’m just a silly fifteen-year-old and don’t really, ya know, KNOW anything about writing, I would totally appreciate if some more experienced authors would give me some tips. Thanks!
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:50 am
All the … would’ve worked better as dashes, but other than that, not bad. It’s about time I saw a story done from the poor spider’s perspective.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:17 am
Stefan. Your doing okay. Better you learn on the job than ask for advice based on a single piece of writing.
That said, it’s true the ‘THWACK!!!’ part of the story detracted from the story (it was a bit of a cop-out ending), and the word ‘twat’ jarred a little since there were no other pseudo-swear words in the piece.
I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say I wish I could’ve written like that at 15.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:44 am
We see too few humorous stories on EDF. Thanks for yours, Stefan. Good job.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:45 am
Uh-oh. Is “twat” a swear-word? Sorry…
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:46 am
I never kill spiders if I can help it. That said, I don’t want to cohabit with them, either. They are carefully captured and rehoused outdoors.
Stefan: Yes, that’s a naughty word. OTOH, she is royally p’d off at the threat to her home and life. I agree that the story would have been better without the expected sound effect ending. I was kind of hoping for something that had to do with two neat, little puncture marks…
Also, watch out for typos like “your” for “you” in the penultimate paragraph. (At least it wasn’t “your” for “you’re”!)
Keep writing–we want to see more from you!
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:02 am
Where I grew up “twat” is slang for a female private part. I couldn’t help but roar with laughter at that one. Like to wet myself on the way to the bathroom. LOL
Cute story nevertheless.
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:08 am
This one didn’t do anything for me either. Didn’t care for it at all.
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Stefan – I’m a lot older than you, but probably not a more experienced writer, so I have nothing to say to you. At this reading the number of your ratings is listed at 22 and I just want you to know that more than twenty-two people read your story – now there are at least 23 – so kid, you are well on your way to doing fame. When you turn your back to shoo, I’ll converse with both the more and the less experienced. Equals are scarier, so keep your chin up.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:49 pm
15 years old? Although it doesn’t (and shouldn’t) alter my opinion of the story, I did want to add to my earlier comment and say well done on your success in getting here at such a young age. Good luck with the writing.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:01 pm
I wish I had been writing that good at 15. I never got to that point until I hit my mid-20s.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
What’s wrong with “THWACK!!!”? At the risk of getting jumped on by most everyone, I would like to point out that the “Garfield” strip ends that way regularly!
(I duck for cover …)
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Thwack is as good as splat, pow, bamm, etc… the point was that the spider met its end, just as the story had done.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Stefan, there was a placement issue in the beginning–it probably should have been “here” instead of “there”–and a typo, the “are your trying to kill me” instead of “are you”, and yes, the THWACK at the end was rather *winks* overkill.
ALL that said, I echo everyone who said they’d have loved to be able to write this well at 15. I thought it was a funny little Victorianesque piece; I could see the plump chambermaid in her lace cap, and there was practically a pince-nez on the the spider’s nose, in my brain.
Keep reading, practicing, and submitting! Try to find a writing group, be it online or otherwise, and people you can work with to keep growing as a write! I look forward to seeing more of your work.
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Awesome, fun little story. Kept me entertained to the end. Thought it was a girl retaking her room. Spiders do so over run things if allowed.
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:40 am
well you bested me on youngest published author here by a year…so grats on that
and i must say this story is really good….very british…and i enjoyed it a lot
June 23rd, 2009 at 4:37 am
I liked the voice! This story is very unusual which makes it more original. Keep rising….for fifteen you are already ahead of the game!!! -Angela Carlton
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:02 am
The “twist” for me was the one that never came; I figured the spider would turn out to be gargantuan (started with bugs, moved up to a mouse, perhaps a cat was to come and then finally the homeowner). I’m glad it didn’t go that route since that would have been predictable.
All good advice has been dispensed. Hats off to you for a job well done.
–John
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:55 am
Thank you Mr Towler. Funny you should mention that “twist”, becuase it was actually exactly what I intended to do at first. Not many like this new ending either,though. Pr’ps I’ll write it choose-your-own-adventure-style next time to please all parties
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Cute. I liked the alternate point of view.
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:47 am
I wish I could have read your story and wished you a happy birthday at the same time! I loved your story and did not predict the ending. You wrote a delicious story and I hope to read more! Keep writing & learning!
August 30th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Stef – cute as a bug’s (spider’s) ear! Very clever in all points regardless of who did or didn’t like it! It’s a “page turner” albeit a short one! Keep writing! You have a future in that as well as in your music – and the two can go well together! Kudos!