I read the message on my viewer, it is written in Basic.
I love you.
I frown.
Basic is imprecise.
The words have many different meanings.
Standard is the language we all speak.
It is binary.
Things either are or are not.
Communicating in Basic is a terminable offense.
I see the door is shut and there is nothing in my cell but me and my viewer.
1240/2/2/1445_332—112
Today’s date, time in fifteen minutes and coordinates.
I am in danger.
I run a program.
run_messagechoice
0. If I report the message I will be terminated.
1. If I do not report the message I might be terminated.
I choose to not report the message.
I exhale.
I run another program.
run_meetingchoice
0. If I do not meet, then messages may loop to the program run_messagechoice.
1. If I meet, then I may stop the messages.
I choose to meet.
run_exitcell
I push back from my desk and slam into the wall behind me.
My heart jumps and I look around.
Some others come out of their cells with me.
run_walkexerciseyard
I focus on my walk.
We all walk together.
Because I am old, I can imagine slowing down.
The young can only walk or not walk.
I have Basic thoughts and run programs in Standard.
The extra thinking makes me slow at my console.
I will be replaced.
run_travel_2/1435_332—112
I walk to the meeting place.
I turn the corner.
I see her standing there.
She is female like me.
Her hair is long.
She is old like me.
She steps forward and puts her arms around me and the sweet smell of her floods into my nostrils and my heart aches and parts of me deep inside feel warm in a way that was asleep and water comes to my eyes because I do not know this person but have missed her my entire life and here in this moment I feel I am not alone and the other person envelops me within her our breasts press together and there I am in a place I have never been before but feel it is a place I have always been in and always shall be within I draw back and look into her eyes and see hers are filled with water just as mine are and I clutch her arms as if I need her to save my life and make words form together in my mouth and nothing comes and she smiles I see I do not know her and have never seen her and my breathing is the same as hers now in out in out I look into her eyes and it is like looking at my own reflection but different for she is not me but we are the same there is some piece of me that is part of her and she is a part of me and something passes between us that is not said that only we can only understand and we have never met each other but need each other like breath and food and water and my mind turns over new or old, good or bad, stay or run, talk or not talk, male or female and something surges up within me and my mind opens and a light shines through a small crack on the other side there is something clear I can’t completely see and I draw a breath and say the only words I can.
“I love you.”
Grant Bergland has pieces forthcoming online in Short Story Library and Yellow Mama. He is a grad student at Cal State East Bay and a film studies teacher.
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17 Responses to ““I LOVE YOU” • by Grant Bergland”
Comments
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July 5th, 2009 at 12:12 am
This story was a bit too difficult for my brain to fathom.
July 5th, 2009 at 1:28 am
I love this story!
July 5th, 2009 at 5:41 am
This was irritating to read. Didn’t care for it.
July 5th, 2009 at 6:48 am
Nope! This one gets about one-quarter star.
Finding out that the narrator was female halfway through was a disruption, it should have been evident earlier. In fact, early in the story there was some feeling the narrator was an AI rather than a person.
The pseudo-computer-jargon was unrealistic and unconvincing (I’m a computer programmer and it didn’t grab me at all).
That second-last paragraph rivals the famous (infamous?) sentence that starts with “It was a dark and stormy night …”. I can hear the ghost of Bulwer-Lytton applauding, but I am not.
And the setting was vague, I finally decided it was a prison, but I was never quite sure.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Whoa, Nelly. Is that second to last paragraph one sentence? No way was I gonna read that mess; stream of consciousness will take me only so far, and that’s a passel of words too far.
Seriously, though: the basic / standard thing was ill-defined and unlikely, there was too much unresolved ambiguity for such a short piece, and the switch from short declarative sentences to the stream-of-consciousness flow at the end was introduced clumsily.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:34 am
This may be only my own personal ideosyncratic reaction, but I find this story Chic-ly distasteful.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Sorry, but this was truly a waste of time and an extremely poor read. A terrible way to start my day. Might have been enjoyable to some drug fogged brain somewhere. . .
July 5th, 2009 at 8:05 am
I think the contrast in the way different parts of the story are written is good, matching the “binary” and “standard” ways of thinking. I think the human insight is substandard. I suppose, though, a last line that conforms more to the style of the “standard” way of thinking would be more like “Yes…Yes…” or something like that.
July 5th, 2009 at 10:45 am
What I like about this site and the stories that appear here is how different they are, that they dare to print experimental pieces and even potentially failed attempts too.It provides an atmosphere where writers can play around AND take chances and grow and get feedback.
Some stream of consciousness writing just blows me away, it is so fluid and makes so much sense. Other stabs at this are just that -stabs.
I appreciate a place where I can read SHORT versions of these kind of take-a-chance stories. They do not pain me the way a longer investment in a piece might.
I think this writer got some very important feedback here:
One (above) loved the piece. Others did NOT.
Does that mean the writer has a limited audience or needs to develop more solidifying ingredients such as those other commenters have identified as missing? Maybe. Maybe not. Depends on the investment the writer has to a particular piece. Some should be improved, I suppose and others composted.
Anyway, it didn’t appeal to me as a finished piece, but I would be interested to see how this writer might evolve from here. I also really like the writer’s courage (if it was that). (I know for me, it takes a LOT of courage to put out an unproven piece.)
What so exciting about this site, for me, is not just the short form, which is challenging in itself, but a platform for trying sometimes odd and new things too.)
July 5th, 2009 at 11:16 am
I’ve developed some habits after becoming a regular here, the first of which is to read the story before reading the comments. I haven’t quite developed the discipline required to comment myself before reading the remarks of others, though the advantage of that is often being able to let other say more eloquently what I feel, or give feedback that is more precise, leaving me the simple task of just saying “ditto.”
What bc wrote is so true: “I appreciate a place where I can read SHORT versions of these kind of take-a-chance stories. They do not pain me the way a longer investment in a piece might.”
And to piggyback onto that thought: I’ve not encountered a single story here that would preclude me from reading another by the same author; nothing so terrible that I would not give a different story a chance. This one didn’t work, well, c’est la vie.
Best,
–John
July 5th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Yhat was a wonderful story. Thanks so much, I needed something like that today. I didn’t know thw narrarator was female before read the coments, but it doesn’t matter. This story was totally worth a five.
July 5th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Very good. At least it’s a stretch. Unfortunately I don’t think the closing section works in this context. It is very difficult to keep a reader in EDF, because typically the reader is doing something else, and sneaks a view of the story.
I had to force myself to read the rush of the last paragraph, but even when I gave it time, it didn’t quite get the effect that I think was intended–overwhelming force of emotions.
I liked this story. It is ambitious and explorative writing, the risk is worth it!
July 5th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
The first read-through was confusing,so I took it slower the 2nd and 3rd time. Unfortunately, that didn’t help matters any.
July 5th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
I think it works. It evokes an emotion, and in a short work, that’s often enough. Although the stream of consciousness was somewhat long, it was coherent and worked well with the rest of the piece.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
‘I’ve never seen you before– I don’t know you– I haven’t said a word to you– (Sigh) I love you down to the deepest fiber of my soul–’
Sorry– does not compute for me.
I think you had a very interesting idea here and I believe– from the example of your work– you have the imagination to pull it off. Sorry though, it still needed more work to pump some life into it and make it believeable.
July 5th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Scratching my head…this was a female? I liked it better before that revelation; now I don’t know what to think.
July 6th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
The contrast was great. Finding out they were two females was a surprise. You’ve got some good creativity here, keep going.