“Leopold, darling, take off that ridiculous monocle! You look silly” Daphne dug her cell phone out of her purse and flipped it open. The screen was black; it had been for the past three years. Leopold had urged her many times to take it by the Verizon store and get it looked at or replaced, but Daphne insisted there was nothing wrong with it. “I get calls all the time!” she said. “Listen! It’s ringing right now!” So Leopold let the issue lie.
“Oh, look!” she exclaimed. “It’s Matilda!” She put the phone to her ear and began chattering away. Leopold knew there was no Matilda, at least not on this plane of reality, but it kept Daphne from talking his ear off, so he let her indulge in her imaginary friends. He also kept the monocle firmly planted on his face. If Daphne got her imaginary friends, he got his monocle. It wasn’t just any monocle, though as far as Daphne knew it was. With his monocle, Leopold could see anything he wanted. He could peek inside a brothel in Nevada (not that he ever did that) or watch a breathtaking pink and orange sunset on the other side of the globe. He could watch Jupiter’s 63 moons orbiting its gaseous form or glimpse the world at the bottom of the sea.
He didn’t use the monocle to look at any of those things, though; he used it to watch Iron Chef on his neighbor’s TV. Daphne wouldn’t let him get cable (“Leopold, dear, television turns your mind to so much mush”), so what choice did he have? Today’s secret ingredient was clotted cream. A clerk at the grocery store once told Leopold that clotted cream was “cream, enriched with even more cream.” Leopold wasn’t sure how such a thing was possible, but he took the young man’s word for it.
“Matilda, I can’t come over for tea right now. Leopold and I are on a train to New York!” Daphne “mmm-hmm”-ed a few times, then laughed. “Of course I’ll bring you back a souvenir. What would you like?”
So, Daphne wouldn’t spring for basic cable, but she would buy souvenirs for her imaginary phone friend. Leopold grimaced.
“A Buddha statue? Well, I’ll try to find one. I can’t make any promises, though. But I’ll look for one… Uh-huh… Oh, yes, I agree, penne pasta is vastly superior to rotini… Hmmm, I don’t know, let me ask Leopold.” She covered the phone receiver. “Leopold, darling, which song do you think best embodies the 1980s — ‘Jesse’s Girl’ by Rick Springfield or ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ by Billy Joel?”
“Neither! ‘The Safety Dance’ by Men Without Hats is the ultimate embodiment of all things ’80s!” Leopold was quickly growing bored with Iron Chef — clotted cream really did have its limitations. Chef Morimoto had resorted to clotted cream-smeared cucumber slices topped with caviar and grape jelly. Leopold shook his head and sighed. Maybe it was for the best that Daphne refused to get cable. To think that the woman next to him, chattering to her imaginary friend on a broken cell phone, knew what was best for him sent shivers down Leopold’s spine.
“Yes, who would’ve thought! ‘The Safety Dance’! But it’s so true, if you think about it…” Daphne continued talking to Matilda for the duration of the train ride. Leopold settled into his seat and adjusted his monocle. Time to take a peek into that brothel in Nevada…
Stephanie Scarborough lives in Fort Worth, Texas with her two feline overlords. Her work has appeared in The Rose and Thorn, Shallow Graves, and Big Pulp. She has fiction forthcoming in OMG!: The Book of Awesome Stuff. Visit her website at: http://hellostephanie.net.
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20 Responses to “LEOPOLD’S MONOCLE • by Stephanie Scarborough”
Comments
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April 7th, 2009 at 12:25 am
The characters are extremely well drawn and three-dimensional. A pleasure to read just from that point of view.
Where can I pick up one of these monocles, by the way, Stephanie?
April 7th, 2009 at 12:44 am
[...] 7, 2009 · No Comments “Leopold’s Monocle” is live at Every Day Fiction. Stop by and vote or leave a comment if you so [...]
April 7th, 2009 at 1:44 am
Surely, with a monocle, things would be two dimensional?
April 7th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Loved it!
April 7th, 2009 at 5:51 am
I loved these characters! Nice job.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Loved the characters, loved the monocle! I can’t decide if they’re a couple of loons or if his monocle really works; and if it does, maybe her broken phone really works, too. The ambiguity is wonderful.
That said . . . nothing really happens, does it? We’re introduced to these two lovely loopy characters, and then they ride off. It’s such a wonderful conceit that I almost don’t mind the lack of story, but by the same token, I do feel a little cheated.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Daft, batty and delightful. Thanks for the laugh, Stephanie.
April 7th, 2009 at 7:00 am
[...] out friend Stephanie’s new flash piece over at EDF. It is delightful! It’s even based on one of the prompts I provided a few months [...]
April 7th, 2009 at 7:11 am
I don’t understand what this is about. Is the monocle magical? How did he acquire it? Just because he thinks his wife is loony, is she really, or does her cell phone actually work? And, where’s the storyline?
April 7th, 2009 at 7:56 am
I absolutely loved this piece. Your story drew me into the 2 characters lives for just a moment and I found I liked their company. I hope you write more about these two. They are interesting creatures for sure!
April 7th, 2009 at 7:58 am
The writing is so strong and funny. I’d love to hear more about these two in a longer adventure where she tries to solve poblems calling her friends and he tries to glare through the monocle for a solution and where it leads them. As flash, I found it satisfying, the song thing enough of a blip to make it all worthwhile. Terrific.
April 7th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Loved this, Stephanie! An amusing way to start the day. My favorite line was, “He didn’t use the monocle to look at any of those things, though; he used it to watch Iron Chef on his neighbor’s TV.”
It would be interesting to know if Leopold is as batty as Daphne, or if Daphne is actually as sane as Leopold. Either way would make for an interesting longer tale.
April 7th, 2009 at 8:07 am
[...] to Every Day Fiction today and read my writing group mate Stephanie’s latest story, “Leopold’s Monocle.” You can vote on it and leave a comment while you’re [...]
April 7th, 2009 at 8:50 am
This was a pleasure. Like some of the others, it seemed like an all-too brief glimpse into the life of two very odd birds and the all-seeing monocle is a terrific invention. If I’d picked this up in the store and this was the opening, I’d have bought the book.
April 7th, 2009 at 9:12 am
A nice portrait of a contemporary 40 something couple and their quest to find “our song” (the plot?). Personally,(60 something) for songs embodying the 1980s, I would choose, “It’s Money That Matters” or “I Love L.A.” both by Randy Newman.
Thanks for the enjoyable read, Stephanie!
April 7th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Not really what I call a story, more like an entertainingly kooky vignette. I kept waiting for the end that would signify something and felt rather let down by its absence.
April 7th, 2009 at 9:48 am
A bit random, not really my thing.
April 7th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
A lively little story. The characters like impish cartoons. What is holding this couple together? He can’t stand her chattering conversation, but didn’t protest her frequent use of the phone because it “kept Daphne from talking his ear off.” She has no respect for his mentality and choices, “Leopold, dear, television turns your mind to so much mush” and refuses to buy cable for him. He obviously has no funds himself; she is the financial support. She is rather financially hard on herself, though, denying herself the money to fix the screen on her Verizon, but she is in need of conversation and can use it to speak to friends. Leopold has a wonderful magic monocle of which she doesn’t approve, but Daphne was never informed of its uses, “It wasn’t just any monocle, though as far as Daphe knew it was.” Leopold, feeling cheated of love because Daphne wouldn’t splurge on cable for him, decides to use his wonderful monocle to peer into a brothel in Nevada. At least Daphne engages in conversation. He is simply a voyeur.
April 7th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
I was surprised at the end that they were actually on a train–thought perhaps the guys in the white coats would arrive and announce dinner was ready and tell them to get themselves to the dining room.
Great dialogue.
–dj
April 9th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Good characters, but nothing really happened, which disappointed me. Would’ve been nice to have this character development with a bit more plot.