It’s not until the sharp pain seizes his heart that he realizes that there’s still so much left to do. A pinched nerve throbs in the back of his head and sends a series of numbing jolts through his skull. The oxygen in the room escapes out the windows as the attack takes him over, knocking him to the floor next to a confused calico. He concentrates on his breathing, on his heartbeat, fighting the attack with everything he has. He’s not ready for this; in fact, he hasn’t even begun living his life as planned.
His focus is clouded by a frenzy of thoughts as he struggles to get back on his feet. He hasn’t begun working out yet, or quitting smoking, or eating right. The house is still dirty, and the cats need to be fed. He has yet to find his true love, and as he reflects on this, he realizes that all his life he wished to be a straight man. A married man, a father, with problem children and a grandson on the way. A normal man leaving behind a legacy and his memory in a family of his own creation, in children that looked like him. Thought like him. Hated him, but would remember him dearly after he was gone.
But he has done none of this, and now what would be left of him? Hungry cats and a bin full of dirty laundry? A car payment and credit card debts?
He wonders, as he scrambles for his cell phone (where the hell did he put it?), who will find him? Worried work fellows, or the landlord? Who will take the cats, and what will be done with his hardcover collection? The cell is in the living room, he remembers now, but such a long distance for him to walk in this state. He will never make it in time to make an emergency phone call. What is that number you dial in a situation like this? The three digit one?
He tries anyway, short of breath and weak in the knees. He almost makes it to the coffee table before falling to the floor. He can barely see the phone through heavy eye lids betraying him. He struggles just to reach it. It falls to the floor after his second flailing attempt, still beyond reach. “For Christ’s sake!” he gasps, and wonders if this would have been so difficult had he signed up for that gym membership a year ago. With one huge effort, he pushes himself forward on one arm. His hand falls heavily on the number pad, and he hits the call button twice. The last logged number begins dialing, but he hasn’t the strength left to bring the phone to his ear, let alone speak. He silently prays that whoever picks up will suspect that something’s wrong, then regrets ever turning his back on God. Real or not, the comfort of prayer would be something he could use right now.
Exhausted, he rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling fan, noticing for the first time how filthy the blades are. He can feel his heart slowing, and he can’t help but consider sleeping this pain away in hopes of waking up in a hospital bed with one more chance to do things right. The notion is too comforting to resist. He closes his eyes and focuses on matching his breathing to the call tone near his head. The sound is surprisingly soothing, and with the third ring he feels certain that he’ll make it out of this to see another day. He can already see his friends a week from now, teasing him over his dramatic phone call. The thought makes him smile, and he lets out a peaceful sigh just before letting go to sleep away his wait.
As he fades away, the last thought that goes through his mind is that he spent the entire day playing The Sims.
Nathan Trader, currently a nobody from Colorado, is best known for being the creepy hermit that lives in a dark home full of cats.
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22 Responses to “LIFELINE • by Nathan Trader”
Comments
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March 12th, 2008 at 3:27 am
So all that to express an anti-gamer sentiment?
Also The Sims reference would have been old hat even 5 years ago.
Reminded me of an episode of Peep Show.
March 12th, 2008 at 3:34 am
Pain shot down his left arm and a moment later his head exploded and twisted fistfuls of gut stole away his breath. Suddenly lying in a pool of his own vomit he cursed a wasted life and the fact his notebook was upstairs, and him with a list of regrets to get down on paper.
March 12th, 2008 at 3:36 am
Excellent piece of fiction. I loved the way you captured regret and the assumptions all of us have about having enough time to ‘eventually’ getting around to things.
March 12th, 2008 at 3:37 am
This is certainly effective. It has a stamp of reality about it in the slow-mo heart attack, the waste of the final day as the culmination to what he sees as a wasted life.
One concern - and I always raise this:
“that all his life he wished to be a straight man. A married man, a father, with problem children and a grandson on the way. A normal man…”
The run into a normal man here could be read to suggest that gay is abnormal.
I disagree with that and I think most gays would take it amiss. I know my friend would but I will speak for him on this occasion and I trust, that is not what was intended in any case.
I think a lot of people will do their day differently after reading. (Must clean the blades of that ceiling fan. I ‘d hate to be lying there thinking, ‘Look at the muck up there! :))
March 12th, 2008 at 3:48 am
Trust you Oonah!
This certainly made me think.
Maybe it is similar to the other piece quoted(?) - but the reminder of don’t put off untill tomorrow… is always worth repeating. Good stuff repeats itself naturally, because of that.
March 12th, 2008 at 4:23 am
Maybe not that original and the bit about being gay was unnecessary, but an enjoyable lunchtime read. I laughed out loud at the Sims line as it was delivered out of the blue. Thanks for the that!
Oxyen escaping line was also good.
Referring to a previous comment, yes, maybe Sims is a bit old hat now, but doesn’t that give the line even more irony? Plus, not sure whether it was intentional, but Sims is obviously about controlling other people’s lives - so a good fit there, too, when you think about it.
March 12th, 2008 at 5:29 am
Oonah, I’m usually the first one to leap to the defense of gays (I live in Vancouver!!!), but I took “straight” in this usage, to mean “upstanding”.
March 12th, 2008 at 5:31 am
GMoney, we would never publish anything anti-gay. I took “straight” in this context, to mean “upstanding”.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:32 am
Good piece. Certainly made me think about how I spend my days…
As for the “gay” line, I took that whole part more as one of those “the grass is always greener” moments where you look at your life and go “I shoulda done this or that…” or “I coulda done it this way…” or “What if…?” There’s pros and cons to every life/lifestyle.
Just my interpretation.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:17 am
I thought it was a great way to expess how any of us may feel as we’re about to slip away. I didn’t think it was anti gay at all, I don’t think its far fetched for a gay person to wonder what it would have been like to have been straight. As far as my life goes, I better make plans for my cats.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Actually, I didn’t really consider it anti-gay, just thought it could have been left out without losing anything from the story. I agree with other comment that it might be logical for someone to wonder what it would have been like.
I’d argue that a lot of people (maybe just us British?) would equate “wish to be a straight man” to be gay, hence the comment.
Would be nice to know what was meant (if it was just upstanding then forget all this!), but either way I’ve not got a problem and shouldn’t detract from a good story.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:56 am
You may well have, Jordan but we all know it can be taken the other way too. The thought that someone gay, in his final moments would wish he had not been gay suggested that interpretation to me. The word normal then took on a whole different meaning. I hope that no gay people took offence. I was merely pointing out the possibility.
As Avis said, Trust Oonah!
March 12th, 2008 at 9:58 am
You may take the Sims line to mean whatever makes sense to you, but I can say at least that I’m not at all anti-gamer. The game may be “old hat”, but I remain consistently addicted. When Saturday comes around on some weeks, I can’t help but look back and say, “Well, I’m glad my Sims accomplished something this week, because I sure as hell didn’t.”
Regardless, thank you for your comments.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:20 am
The focus on regret in that moment before death made me think of the so many souls packed up in nursing homes and how their moment might be years…so sad.
I didn’t see anti-gay, but musings on what might have been, regret, but still hope for a future.
And pursuits like the Sims, or football pools, etc. are, in the end, so unimportant–and time spent with friends, family, and even cats, so very much better.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Thanks for your comments, Oonah. They were very helpful. By no means did I intend to imply that there’s anything wrong with being gay - being gay myself, that would be rather contradictory - but to explore the thought process behind a person who may not have accepted who they are yet. In the future I’ll be a little more thoughtful about how I word things. My apologies if any offense was taken.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Wow. I honestly took it the other way. For some reason, I didn’t even think of the gay reference.
Very interesting observation, Nathan. It wouldn’t cross my mind if I were dying to wonder what it would have been like if I were gay. It’s weird to think that gay people might wonder the other way.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Just to be philosophical… what makes spending time with friends and family more valuable than time spent playing the sims?
March 12th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Exactly! Its all pointless in the end. Whahahaha :). Well, back to Civilization IV.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Ohh, Civ IV is another soul sucker. There’s been points that I was so addicted to that game… I actually had to make myself uninstall it just to get out of the house for a day.
As far as The Sims vs Real Life goes, all I have to say is that “WooHoo’s” are always better in real life.
March 12th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Well I would imagine that it has something to do with the ability of friends and family to interact with you on a more emotional level than The Sims can.
March 13th, 2008 at 4:26 am
I agree with this.
March 13th, 2008 at 10:59 am
The Sims is like watching sex instead of having it!!