Dave should have been distracted. The grill cook rattled his utensils like Gene Krupa. The dish washer clattered away at a huge pile from the morning rush. Chit chat and rumor buzzed amongst the remaining occupied booths. It was mid morning, breakfast was well over, but the regulars hung around, trading barbs, bad puns and hellos. His brain swirled like the non-dairy creamer in his coffee. A beige puddle collected in the spoon as soon as he set it down. So this is North Little Rock, he thought.
He had gone to Memphis to find her, but he hadn’t. In escaping with his life, he had only just kept his freedom. The jury was still out on that too. Another bad pun.
As the stoneware coffee mug touched his lip, the warmth of her kisses swept back over him. He recognized the frosted top and brown glaze of the stoneware. A copy of a classic pottery design that had originated in Ohio. God, Ohio. They had fallen in love at a small college in the Miami Valley. Dave was there because of Dad’s ministry. It was a good school; a Lutheran College that offered financial aid to the children of clergy. Toni had enrolled because of the well known classical dance program. Her family was from New Orleans, but she had been raised in Memphis. A dark beautiful mix of voodoo and soul, she was life changing. She was his. And then she’d left for New York and an Off Broadway gig.
His Mother should have loved her. She was Lutheran. She sang in the church choir. Her voice was beautiful, clear and strong. You could get religion just hearing her sing. But his parents had reacted in a completely unexpected and backward way. The relationship had brought up issues that he had never had to confront back home. His Dad felt their relationship threatened his position in the church. On the phone, his Mother had just cried and cried. In the confusion and frustration, he had paused when he should have been strong. He had been weak and indecisive, at the most perfectly tragic moment. She had gone to New York without him.
She was hurt. There was more crying on phones. He had never wanted to let her go. Constraints he no longer accepted had stopped him from helping her pack, driving her there and staying with her.
Soon Toni had lost her bearings somehow on the Great White Way. The demands were steep and the pace was frenetic compared to the genteel South she had known. Just as the bright white lights of the marquee never quite reach the damp grit of the street, she had never quite fulfilled her dreams. She had gone back to Memphis and had gotten into some trouble; a mistake with a local tough guy, Tavo. Now she, and her newborn child, were hiding.
***
In Memphis, Dave wasn’t expected in the neighborhoods where he searched. He was a pale, freckled Midwesterner. Everyone there seemed to know all they needed to know about him; yet he knew nothing of them. Then he had found Toni’s sister. And he had found Tavo too. The sister told him Toni was in Austin. The tough guy told him he was going to be dead.
***
“Is that all, Hon?”
The waitress had jarred him back to North Little Rock. He hadn’t remembered eating the pie, or finishing the coffee, but there it was — an empty plate, a thin cold puddle in the bottom of the mug, the messy fork draped across the plate, the napkin tossed aside, and the dirty spoon. He hadn’t used the knife. He hadn’t expected to use a knife. Tavo hadn’t even expected him to have one on him. As soon as he got to Austin, he could tell Toni they were safe.
“Yeah… thanks,” he said slowly.
Todd R. Townsend is fixing up an old boat and writing. Soon, he’ll be sailing an old boat and writing.
GD Star Rating
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25 Responses to “LOST DANCER IN MEMPHIS • by Todd R. Townsend”
Comments
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June 22nd, 2011 at 12:47 am
Some readers may have a problem with the fact that this story is told entirely in flashback, but it worked very well for me. I have one very minor quibble; the section breaks (the asterisks) don’t seem necessary. The transitions between past and present are perfectly clear without them. (In particular, the use of one word to shift between present and past in the penultimate paragraph — I won’t say what word, to avoid a spoiler — is very nicely done indeed.)
June 22nd, 2011 at 2:54 am
Too many events are packed into too short a space to give justice to this story. Towards the end it almost became telegraphic.
Not sure who Gene Krupa was until I checked on Google having read only a single sentence. Pulling the reader out of the story so quickly isn’t a good idea.
Fraid this wasn’t for me.
June 22nd, 2011 at 4:58 am
I enjoyed the craft involved providing so much info in such a short piece. “There was more crying on phones” says worlds without many words for instance. Regarding Paul’s telegraphic comment I agree but with this rejoinder…When we read pieces that we know are only 1K or less I think we, as readers, start searching for the ending rather than reading for it. In short, we become obsessed with the end game as opposed to the story. I find myself constantly trying to hold myself back and take the story in the manner intended by the author. As authors we should probably take that into account if, in fact, it is accurate. As always, just my two coppers worth.
June 22nd, 2011 at 5:09 am
This one was just a little hard for me to get into, even though it has many elements that I appreciate.
A big part of it was that nothing really grabbed me for a long part of the story. It was all just sitting in a cafe and internal thoughts about the past. Nothing much was happening in the present that pulled the reader in.
I also wondered about the Gene Krupa simile — it made me wonder if this was set in the 1940′s or 1950′s, or if the MC was elderly, neither of which ended up being the case.
I do like the basic story of the guy wanting to undo the mistake of letting his true love get away, and him searching for her, and him willing to fight for her to get her back. And the tone of the writing and voice of the character were both very good.
I just think there needed to be an earlier establishment of stakes, risk, tension, or drama to help set the stage.
June 22nd, 2011 at 5:45 am
Sometimes a story simply works, regardless of word count. This is a perfect example. It’s almost poetic, IMO. Thank you, Todd!
June 22nd, 2011 at 6:04 am
Some very cool imagery in this and for the most part, nicely wordsmithed throughout. But for me–and it may ONLY be me–there was just way too much telling and not enough showing to sustain my interest.
I found myself losing the story’s thread and focusing instead on all that narrative detail: the noisy diner scene, the minutiae surrounding their college days, the parents’ reaction to her, his search in Memphis, etc. (I was left with the impression that she was black and he was white?)
Sandwiched in between was a nice bit of foreshadowing (“In escaping with his life, he had only just kept his freedom.”); unfortunately, I’d forgotten all about it by the time I reached the patter about the knife, which made that particular revelation somwewhat jarring.
That’s a problem with short fiction: too much colorfully narrated backstory in such a brief piece sometimes works to the detriment of the storytelling itself.
Despite my misgivings, I actually liked the narrator’s voice in this one. I guess I could have used less of it, is all.
No matter; I’m sure I’m in the minority on this one. Besides, you know what they say about opinions…LOL!
Thanks for sharing, Todd.
June 22nd, 2011 at 6:59 am
I really like this and I especially appreciated the unused knife in the cafe as a lead in to when he had recently used one. Smooth stuff. Gets my vote.
June 22nd, 2011 at 7:09 am
This was a great story. I’m glad they’ll be together in the end.
June 22nd, 2011 at 7:16 am
Loved it. Whatever small misgivings I had while reading completely vanished with the ending. Love how he worked the knife into letting the reader know he and Toni were now safe.
It always amazes me when a writer can make me cheer for a murderer.
June 22nd, 2011 at 7:19 am
The author has a gift for word use: “His brain swirled like the non-dairy creamer in his coffee. A beige puddle collected in the spoon as soon as he set it down.” That kind of imaginative writing makes one read on.
On the other hand, it felt a bit flat by the end. The transition question from the waitress appreciated, but a little too late and not enough to carry the day. Perhaps if his recollections were broken up by more conversation with the waitress throughout, it might have helped. Don’t know, just my impression. Three stars…
June 22nd, 2011 at 7:22 am
I found the intro to be a little slow, wondering (and not in a good way) why he was distracted. I thought this line would have made a stronger beginning: “He had gone to Memphis to find her, but he hadn’t.”
Because at least it shows me what his goal is.
But overall, not a bad story.
June 22nd, 2011 at 7:38 am
Although I agree the story could have used a bit more grounding in the present, the writing is smooth. I love the 2nd to last paragraph, including the unused knife, and also love the line: more crying on phones.
I know of Gene Krupa, so no problem there, and another great line.
The ending is nicely delayed, keeping up the suspense.
June 22nd, 2011 at 8:00 am
I enjoyed this so much that I came back for a second read and realized one tiny thing I would change if I’d written this tale: I’d massacre about 90% of the “hads”. On a second read they were a bit jarring and mostly unnecessary. But that’s a minor nitpick on a wonderful story.
June 22nd, 2011 at 8:08 am
I am in agreement with Debi at @5, not at @13, heehee, sorry Debi.
I think the story could be stronger, without losing the subtle quiet tone it has now, which is actually quite good. I think if the diner were to hum a little more, if some of that background detail was lost (it’s enough to know that the parents were God-fearing and disapproved), this piece could shorten to bring in the needed tension. I loved the title, and I loved the ending. I did like this story quite a lot.
Four, verging on five, stars.
June 22nd, 2011 at 11:37 am
I had a big problem with the first paragraph-which is all in passive voice. I thought much of the imagery just didn’t work–in particular: his brain swirled like coffee creamer. Too much of the piece was in past or passive voice. And while I did like the imnagery at the end, I am confused as to how he reconnected with the girl. Also to say that she was dark and beautiful seemed overblown–dark, exotice, vodoo–I get it–she’s beautiful and exotic to that Ohio-born kid. This needs some serious workshopping.
June 22nd, 2011 at 12:09 pm
#13-Debi: Thank you for that … I thought I was the only one distracted by all the hads. I completely agree that most could be eliminated to give the story a better flow.
June 22nd, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Liked this very much – yes, quite a few “hads” – I think that’s the writing equivalent of saying “um” and I do the same thing.
Good work!
June 22nd, 2011 at 4:19 pm
GREAT JOB TODD !!!!
What more is there to say ???
Five +++++++++++ stars
June 22nd, 2011 at 4:26 pm
Just another comment.
This one on the comments.
Sometimes I wonder if the commentators
are actually “Writers” ?????
June 22nd, 2011 at 5:25 pm
Like Chris (#4) I needed a sense of the stakes earlier on. Maybe knowing Dave killed Tavo up front would have helped? I also agree with fishlovesca that some of the background noise could have been turned down a notch, allowing us to focus on the events at hand.
On a more positive note, this strikes me as something that could easily work as a novel.
June 22nd, 2011 at 7:00 pm
Re #19 – perhaps you should respect other writers’ opinions and observations rather than be so offensive.
Alternatively, we’ll wait for you to post your wise words first, then we’ll slavishly agree with your views.
June 22nd, 2011 at 11:53 pm
@#19–I am a writer and am serious about my craft. I feel that honest critiquing is a way to improve. I try not to offend. It would be useless to this author to just pat him on the back and say “good job” when I saw serious problems with the writing. I belong to 2 writing groups and value the input from those writers.
June 23rd, 2011 at 12:56 am
For a discussion regarding commenting on other comments and commenters, please see our forums: http://www.everydayfiction.com/forums/index.php/topic,9148.0.html
All constructive and/or courteous opinions are welcome here, but please do remember that this is a magazine and not a critique group — public comments in a public place on a published story are a bit different from private critiques delivered in a closed circle on a work in progress. Also, some of our readers are writers too, and some are not; we value the comments and feedback from everyone in our community.
And now, back to the story…
June 24th, 2011 at 8:34 am
I enjoyed it.
June 25th, 2011 at 10:58 am
Four stars for a well written piece of flash fiction. “Everyone there seemed to know all they needed to know about him; yet he knew nothing of them.” You have captured the look and feel of a Midwesterner in one brief line! The twist at the end works well.