So there was this boy I knew. I didn’t exactly, you know, know him, but he went to my school, okay? And then one day it was all over the papers that he’d shot his dad, and I thought, Wow, how sad and horrible and angry would you have to be to kill your own dad? There was a huge court battle, and my mom got called to be a jury member but she declined cos… I can’t remember. I think she was too sad; whenever she talked about it she got a sad little faraway look in her eyes so I didn’t ask. Anyway, I guess he went to jail, but that’s not the point of this story.
Point is, I don’t have a dad. So I figure, what a waste. If he’d hated his dad so much he shoulda just given him to me. I’d've appreciated it. Some people ain’t so lucky as to have a dad they can shoot.
saintsally can read and write, but tries not to be a snob about it.
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19 Responses to “PATERNALISMS • by saintsally”
Comments
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January 28th, 2009 at 1:58 am
This is fabulous – says so much in so few words. Snappy and great.
Axxx
January 28th, 2009 at 3:07 am
Brought tears to my eyes. Very good.
January 28th, 2009 at 3:39 am
Did nothing for me but I’m not good at getting these stories. Am I right in assuming that the character who was shot was actually also the narrator’s father and that’s why his mother was too sad to be a juror?
January 28th, 2009 at 4:15 am
This story sure packed in a lot for its size. Good work.
January 28th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Nice work.
January 28th, 2009 at 6:33 am
Ever think of using tin cans on a fence?
January 28th, 2009 at 6:48 am
Small n’ beautiful! It was lovely reading the story!
January 28th, 2009 at 7:09 am
I have a major question – Did the boy who shot his father have a Mom? Was the boy who shot his father too young to be told that the narrator’s mother wasn’t a valkyrie? Was the narrator concealing that it was really planned between the two boys and the narrator was planning to shoot his mom who he thought was an angel? Unfortunate shidduch.
Dialog captures vernacular of contemporary youngsters (as I have been hearing in on T.V., excellently). Pithy, terse, well crafted.
January 28th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Saintsally, you get a five on this one. A very well written story. I can see the viewpoint character very clearly. This story seems to have a lot to offer to anyone who will just pause and think about it. As for the question the story seems to ask, I couldn’t agree more. I think of this each time I read of some nut who uses a gun. Why don’t they just kill themselves and leave their family and strangers alone.
January 28th, 2009 at 7:18 am
I really liked the last line (although the use of “ain’t” was jarring – it didn’t seem to fit with the writing style of the protagonist). There’s a story all in that one line – which is why Mom’s sadness was a distraction. This tale doesn’t need the melodrama of the hinted-at hidden affair to give it impact.
(As a technical aside, I don’t think you get to “decline” jury duty because it makes you sad!)
January 28th, 2009 at 7:30 am
Interesting work……
The kind that sticks at the back of your head…
I guess, ihe story has some loopholes…..
I really liked it…..
January 28th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Tight writing. Dialogue’s good. Such sentiment is suspect, but nobody ever lost a buck betting on stories about dogs and orphans.
January 28th, 2009 at 7:48 am
I liked it. Nice to see something so short, but rich with emotion.
January 28th, 2009 at 8:02 am
A well characterised, well written story. Thought provoking.
January 28th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Good use of vernacular…but for me that diluted the emotion (or perhaps I’m easily distracted).
As a few others have said, I’d prefer a bit more revelation (or perhaps I’m easily confused.)
January 28th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
That was awesome, short but the words packed a punch and were to the point. I think eithier the boy’s farher eithier had an affair with the narrator’s mother or they sharded the same father. I gave it a five!
January 28th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Great voice and flow, protag. was right on the money.
Declined or dismissed from Jury Duty doesn’t matter from the POV of the protag; mom certainly could have simply told the judge she was close to the victim and the protag. wouldn’t know particulars. Also, the statement -”some people ain’t so lucky as to have a dad they can shoot,”–is just a perfect touch to an all too true condition of a lot of kids without fathers today.
–dj
January 28th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
its a short and nice story.
keep up the good work saintsally!!!
January 30th, 2009 at 9:49 am
This is one of those stories where if you don’t buy the basics, you don’t buy it. Maybe it’s the population I’ve always been around, but I don’t know one single kid who, upon hearing of another child who killed their parents would wish they had them. I think it’s understood that for a kid to kill a parent, there’s a sh*tload of abuse going on behind closed doors. Kids know this too.