“Did you wash your hair yet?” I called into the next room where my five year old son was in his bath.
“Kind of.”
“What exactly does that mean? You either did, or didn’t,” I said, walking into the bathroom to see what trouble he was causing. G. I. Joe was perched on the shampoo shelf, prepared to make a spectacular dive into the tub while a crowd of plastic horses and lego-men had gathered on the opposite edge to watch. As usual, there was a large pool of water outside the tub.
“You know you’re supposed to keep the water in there, right?” Standard question.
“G. I. Joe was splashing. I told him not to.” Standard answer.
“Now, did you wash your hair?”
“With…”
“Bubble bath doesn’t count.”
“No. Not yet. I will,” He sighed in defeat.
I smiled, and left the room to go get the towels out of the dryer. I was going to need them. As I continued my daily routine, I reflected on my life as it was now. Five and a half years ago, my son had been the last thing I wanted, and I thought my future had been popped like one of his soap bubbles. All my big plans would have to be put on hold, probably indefinitely, because of one stupid mistake with someone that I thought loved me. When I found out I was pregnant, I also found out that he didn’t love me enough. My son does, though. And as I pulled the towels out of the dryer it suddenly hit me that I had everything I’d always wanted. I had someone who loved me unconditionally. I was needed. I would change someone’s life. I would shape the future.
I have bubble bath and water on the floor.
Elizabeth R. Browne has been writing since she was a little girl. She is currently studying English at Binghamton University in New York, and writes in her very limited free time.
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14 Responses to “POP • by Elizabeth R. Browne”
Comments
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May 10th, 2009 at 2:47 am
Cute
May 10th, 2009 at 4:14 am
Good mother’s day pick…heartwarming with an element of humor and truth.
May 10th, 2009 at 4:36 am
This was okay, I guess, especially for Mother’s Day. Not really a story though; more like someone’s diary entry.
May 10th, 2009 at 4:41 am
There’s a story in there somewhere . . . it just needs a few more edits to get there. Right now it’s the start of a story that veers into a big ol’ exposition / reflection thingy and comes out dripping.
May 10th, 2009 at 6:30 am
A character sketch, not a story.
May 10th, 2009 at 6:42 am
The selection for Mother’s Day is a nice moment between mother and son. I liked the description of the boy’s array of toys about him in the tub and the genuine conversation between them.
There is a lot of personal background and self-reflection dumped on the reader near the end. It may be better received in a longer piece. Perhaps reflecting while talking to the boy and watching him play. The author may have had a reason for leaving out names, but I like to see the characters identified as it makes the story feel a bit more personal.
It was a sweet story and, as Bob noted, a bit more editing could really help.
May 10th, 2009 at 7:04 am
The trouble with the story is not really a trouble. This is only my guess, but it seems to be written by a child with a child’s awakening awareness which is still limited and therefore not of great interest to most grownups. The child, if that’s what she is, seems a precoscious writer with a naive but well structured story, good details, and a good last line. Good beginnings for a talent.
May 10th, 2009 at 7:06 am
A nice little story. I would’ve liked to have seen another scene with the little boy though, just to show hoe much she really does love him.
May 10th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Touching. Some stories are complete when they cover the moment… like this one. More to tell if you ever want to expand. My comment… the title, “POP” doesn’t seem to fit the mood… and first guess will be wrong. I was struggling with the gender of the teller til it became obvious it was mom, and pop wasn’t pop but POP! I’m into titles… love them to add to the story. I’m imagining “My love affair with GI Joe” with a finish line like I” have bubble bath and water on the floor and GI JOE looking proud on the edge of the tub.” Yeah, I know.
May 10th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Agree that this has potential as a story but isn’t quite there yet. I thought there might be some delicious, creepy twist coming at the end; instead there’s just a big leap from the side of the tub to the supposed-happy-ever-after reflection. Heck, the kid’s only five. In ten years you’ll likely not feel so gushy-mushy. Don’t pin your hopes for unconditional love on your child–he *will* disappoint you, as the story disappointed me.
May 10th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
The writing was good, the story itself had me cheering for it. “Reflections of a Single Mom” would have been a bit long for a title; I took “pop” to have something to do with the bubble bath.
May 10th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Short and sweet, but a little abrupt. Good luck, and keep writing!
May 11th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Jerry Constantino -I like your sharp criticism, “Some stories are complete when they cover the moment…like this one.
I thought of another scenario. The mommy is a very young one, the poem written in those early years of a child bride’s motherhood and then, years later, she changed the title to “POP” in reference to burst bubbles.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
This is a really sweet story. It’s not dramatic and sweeping, and yet, underneath it all, it is a little bit. It felt like motherhood to me.
I especially liked the last line. Well done. And the line about G.I. Joe splashing was hilarious!