The rain striking the little boy’s hooded coat drowned the sound of passing traffic in white noise.
He walked as fast as he could manage while making a futile effort to avoid the puddles and rivulets. His feet were already wet.
He thought of the rubber boots and warm socks in his closet. “We’re not going back. Don’t worry.” His words projected no further than the confines of his winter coat.
He walked on, crossing water washed gutters and crosswalks. A shortcut through a back alley led to an open field of sodden grass. The boy cut across the field, his footsteps pressing pools of water from the spongy ground.
A red brick school building stood at the far end of the lot, darkened, shuttered.
The boy stopped to look over the unlit windows. No one looked back at him. He followed the sidewalk around the building, arriving at a blacktop courtyard partially enclosed by classrooms. He cupped his hands against the glass and looked inside. Chairs sat upside down atop empty desks. Blackboards were wiped clean.
He pulled his backpack off his shoulders and set it on the ground. Unzipping the pack, he retrieved a wooden ruler. Wedging the ruler’s edge into the window jamb, he pried the window open enough to reach his small arm through. He felt for the lock on the door, found it, and opened it. Inside, he closed the door and window, locking them behind him.
The classroom smelled of chalk, of sharpened pencils, of floor wax. The cubby holes were empty. The bulletin boards were stripped. The dull sound of the rain amplified the stillness of the room.
In one corner of the classroom, a section of carpeting was surrounded by low benches. The boy walked across the room, his tennis shoes squeaking on the linoleum, and sat on a bench.
Bright memories of his days in the classroom. His friends. His teacher. The stories that he had listened to so intently on this very spot. The joy.
He set his pack on floor. Opening the pack he removed the contents and arranged them on the carpet. Two hastily made peanut butter sandwiches. Some Ziploc baggies filled with potato chips, M&Ms and apple slices. Three story books.
“We’ll be okay here. We’re never going back.”
He unzipped his coat, and reached into an inside pocket. He felt the warm dry fur. The long whiskers. The tiny pincushion paws. He lifted the black kitten from the pocket and cradled it in both hands. He felt its breath rising and falling. A droplet of dried blood encrusted one of its nostrils.
They would stay here this time.
Blake Teuscher is currently working on his first novel, which he fully expects to complete sometime in the next quarter century.
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29 Responses to “RAIN • by B. Teuscher”
Comments
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July 11th, 2008 at 3:47 am
Great writing. A satisying and enjoyable read.
Nice ending.
July 11th, 2008 at 4:38 am
Very touching story; good read.
July 11th, 2008 at 5:12 am
Atmosphere in abundance. Lovely clear writing. Hurry up with the novel, Blake. Well done. it gave me a shiver.
July 11th, 2008 at 5:13 am
A terrific read, Blake. That feeling of going to school, beautifully captured. Crack on with that novel.
July 11th, 2008 at 5:27 am
Great story. But ist he kitty going to be okay?
IF something happens to the kitty im gonna give you a 1 !
July 11th, 2008 at 5:44 am
This story is so sad! The boy and his kitten (which I’m imagining was hurt by someone at his home) will be on my mind all day. That is the sign of a really well-done story — one that won’t let you go!
July 11th, 2008 at 6:17 am
While I find the writing well-crafted, I find myself wondering about what the point was… The “this time” at the end implies that the boy and the kitten had been at the school before, but I don’t see any mention of how or why they were there, or why they’ve come back. Perhaps I’m missing something, but I feel as if the story never explained _why_ the boy returned, or even why the cat had a bloody nose.
July 11th, 2008 at 6:40 am
Good job on so many elements. Setting was especially well done.
I’m worried about that kitty. I’m telling myself they got out in time.
July 11th, 2008 at 7:00 am
Sorry, I have to give this one a 10 out of 10 on the WTF scale. I just don’t get the point. Writing was fine, explaining not so much! I tend to be a plot-centric person, and I find little or no plot here.
July 11th, 2008 at 7:09 am
Can I agree with these diametrically opposed opinions? Yes. Loved the imagery, but failed to see the reasons for setting up this situation. Still, it’s worth four stars.
July 11th, 2008 at 8:21 am
So sad!! Lovely read. One pick, I felt the title and content didn’t match. But beautifully written.
July 11th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Jim & Walt - I think the end hints strongly of the unhappy situation at home - if the kitten’s in this state, then what treatment does the boy get?
July 11th, 2008 at 8:26 am
I’d have called it “The Promise” - tell me to shut up, but that’s my 10p’s worth!!!
July 11th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Thank you so much for your comments. I have been reading everydayfiction for a couple of months and have enjoyed so many of your stories. I’m glad that some of you liked mine, and I don’t mind getting some criticism from those who found it lacking. I’ll keep trying.
July 11th, 2008 at 9:34 am
I liked the story and understood what was happening–seemed clear enough to me. Avis is right about the title, although sometimes it(the s***) falls so heavy you need a hat. My only problem with the story was getting a window open with a ruler–they seem to be made out of particle board these days and schools have had to beef up the security what with all the valuable electronic oddments nowadays. But the voice was clear and the tale rang true.
Good job and good luck getting that novel completed.
–dj
July 11th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Loved this. It kept me guessing and then it really hit home. Good writing, subtle and with enough to make you think and keep you thinking.
July 12th, 2008 at 12:58 am
A sad, lovely story. The smells of school. The terrible situation and that little kitten. Please let that kitten survive and the little boy saved from abuse.
Jennifer
July 12th, 2008 at 6:11 am
[...] “Rain” by B. Teuscher — I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started reading this flash piece. The beginning was all about description and atmosphere. But as the story continued, I got invested in the main character, and the ending almost made me cry. [...]
July 12th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Thank you all (again) for the comments.
Avis and dj: You have a point about the title. In retrospect, I might have changed the title to “Shelter”.
It is more about shelter than rain.
July 14th, 2008 at 2:56 am
I enjoyed this and agree with many of the comments previously made. I don’t, however, always believe there needs to be a “point” to the story. Sometimes the way of a story is its own and we have to let it be.
Best,
Pamela
July 14th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Thank you for that, Pamela.
I really felt strongly that this story needed to NOT be over-explained.
I’m going to try for something more conventional for my next submission. (and Happier
)
July 14th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
We thought there was a lot going on behind the prose here, and that depth was why we selected the story. It is difficult not to imagine the source of the boy’s distress given the climax. We felt that “Rain” encouraged the reader to create their own story for the events leading up to the narrative, and it’s a rare story that can do that effectively.
July 15th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Thanks Jordan.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Loved it. Like the idea of filling in details
left unsaid. I have no concern for the “cat”
seems it has a good master…
July 15th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Wow, great mood piece! The smells, the sounds, the telling detail. Well done. “Shelter” is the better name, but never would have thought the title was lacking, until the new one was brought up.
July 16th, 2008 at 9:34 am
I like stories with no beginning or end. It makes the imagination go crazy. I pictured an empty Ellis elementary and tabby cat, but the story allows me to change a lot of the details at will. Cool.
July 26th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
So sad. I can see the difficulties (Why go to the school? Why wasn’t he in school any more?) but I did want to grab the poor boy and his kitten and tell them that it would be OK.
August 2nd, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Excellent story written with a lot of understated emotion. I love the mood and physical setting.
Please submit more shorts!
August 5th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
wonderful- very subtle and simple language, sad and suspenseful.