“What was the setting?” I ask Alan, my co-author and programmer.
“Fifty words, Smittee.”
“Read it again,” I say.
“‘Nevertheless comb accident the incident I wonder,’ Jake replied. ‘A very burst respected ex-captain mad told me the story, and helpless a fine thing cough all is!’ He continued. ‘Could broken anything be more abominable osseous than the way he tense famous possesses irritate a dreamed good circle of friends?’”
“Hmm. Still sounds like spam,” I conclude.
“Yes, but my vocabulary algorithm cleaned up the word choice. And the recursive function took care of our earlier grammatical problems. Even the predictive parser is operating properly–I can catch the makings of a plot. I should probably re-sequence the punctuation superfactorials though.” Alan glances at me and I nod.
“Can’t hurt,” I reply. “Also, try setting the eff eff generator at 75 words this time.”
“Sure, let’s give it a shot.” Alan looks up and smiles. “Imagine! When we fully reverse code and appropriate this software we’ll make millions. We’ll be spitting out short stories left and right. Magazines will be lining up to buy anything written by us, ‘Alan Smittee.’”
“I have to admit,” I admit, “we’re harnessing great technology here. Those spam email programmers just don’t know what they have their hands on. They’re wasting their creative energies on advertising, for Pete’s sake–satisfied with simply probing spam defenses for word combinations that don’t ping the system.”
Alan picks up the thread. “But if they can penetrate the typical junk mail filter with just a few faux paragraphs of garbled sentences, then with a little tweaking we can create the perfect short fiction that even the choosiest editors will enjoy.”
We both smile and Alan finishes editing a bit of code. “Ready,” he says.
I punch the start button and the eff eff generator prints out a 75-word revision of the previous piece. I read it aloud.
“‘Nevertheless,’ Jake replied, ‘I wonder if the comb incident was an accident. A very mad, but respected ex-captain burst and told me the whole story. A fine thing that was, for a helpless cough is all it is!’ He continued in silence. ‘We could have broken anything that night. What can be more abominable than the tense way he dreamed of osseous tissue? The famous ex-captain possesses everything and irritates a good circle of friends.’”
“Getting closer, Smitty.” Alan can barely contain his enthusiasm. “We’ll be rich before you know it.”
I’m quietly hopeful. “Well, keep tweaking the software. It’s only a matter of time before our Flash Fiction Generator will spit out something worth publishing.”
Alan agrees. “And it sure beats trying to come up with an original story ourselves.”
Lyndon Perry, a former pastor and current business owner, is a husband of 22 years and father of two beautiful daughters. He enjoys reading, writing, and arithmetic. Well, 2 out of 3 anyway. And he has no idea what a superfactorial is.
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33 Responses to “SPAM FICTION • by Lyndon Perry”
Comments
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September 17th, 2007 at 3:45 am
Heh, heh, heh.
September 17th, 2007 at 3:49 am
One of the best yet ~ thanks for the good morning laugh!
September 17th, 2007 at 3:53 am
LOL, Lyndon! Thanks so much for the laugh before breakfast. Believe it or not, I have a file of idea-generators that I copied from spam emails I’ve received - hateful jitterbugging, tragic deadhead whoever (what a description of a pathetic dead hippie!), absorbent couch, apologetic hangman, choosy bisexual, homesick manure malformation, the list goes on and on. What a fun way to poke fun at authors and editors alike.
September 17th, 2007 at 4:07 am
I agree - the subjects found in my junk email folder are just ridiculous! Hasn’t spam devolved into a joke? It used to be annoying, now it’s simply absurd. Thanks for your comment, Lyndon
September 17th, 2007 at 5:22 am
I love it! You’ve got great wit. It’s a bit like the infinite number of monkeys writing Shakespeare - but much funnier.
And, BTW, though I’m not fond of arithmetic, I do enjoy much of mathematics.
Caner
September 17th, 2007 at 5:53 am
Hmmm…. was THIS story “generated”?
September 17th, 2007 at 6:34 am
Oh Lyndon, to be able to laugh out loud before breakfast is a lovely thing. And even better when there’s a tinge of nervousness in it, about the identity of the brunt of the joke.
September 17th, 2007 at 7:50 am
Nice! Happy I am at the munificent very pickle of short longing kudos.
-F.F. Generator
September 17th, 2007 at 8:17 am
Wonderful - laughed out loud!
September 17th, 2007 at 9:41 am
Very funny, I love it!
September 17th, 2007 at 10:17 am
Thanks for all the comments so far. Yeah, I have a Space Monkey Flash Fiction piece at Ray Gun Revival that is basically the same story but different setting
Email me and I’ll send it to anyone interested. lgp
September 17th, 2007 at 10:33 am
You’re welcome to link out to it in the comments Lyndon. Links in comments are no-follow.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Yes. In the dark recesses of my mind, lol.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:35 am
Well, see that’s why when it comes to those things I’m just plain ignorant - I thought math and arithmetic were the same. lol Maybe I’m thinking of arrhythmia.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:36 am
And your nervous because…
September 17th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Ha. Love it.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:38 am
“A Thousand Splendid Monkeys” appeared in http://www.raygunrevival.com the August 1st issue, it’s in PDF format. Great zine, btw. Thanks Jordan for what you’re doing here. lgp
September 17th, 2007 at 11:22 am
You know.
September 17th, 2007 at 11:25 am
*senses an inside joke*
September 17th, 2007 at 11:27 am
I know this is irrelevant to the story, but I have to respond to Lyndon’s comment:
Well, see that’s why when it comes to those things I’m just plain ignorant - I thought math and arithmetic were the same.
This is what is so sad about elementary school. What kid isn’t bored by the repetition of memorizing tables of numbers: 1+1=2, 1+2=3, 1+3=4. That’s arithmetic. We lose so many kids who might have otherwise enjoyed mathematics - which is about problem solving and logic.
Maybe I need to become the Mr. Wizard of mathematics.
September 17th, 2007 at 11:33 am
I am the Mathemagician! Now watch me make this remainder… DISAPPEAR!!!
*courtesy of the Simpsons
September 17th, 2007 at 11:37 am
This could work…
You just need enough previously published work to make the hysteric for the algorithm. Just keep dumping more and more data on the same theme in to the system until it starts finding patterns in the way good fiction is written.
I tried finding the link, but they do something similar for pop music, where a large publishing company will run your new song thou there system and it will give you a rating based off of the current pop charts. The system works and most of the time predict what song off a certain CD will rise the highest on the charts.
September 17th, 2007 at 11:50 am
I tried something like this in my Artificial Intelligence class using second order Markov models. The sentences all looked good, but the overall story made no sense. I thought of using a third order model, but it would be massively complex. I don’t think I ever used an explicit heuristic beyond the one found by the model.
September 17th, 2007 at 11:54 am
I enjoyed your story Lyndon. I used to think algebra was a code set up to confuse me - it is taught so much better these days.
September 17th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Lyn,
Good work. I enjoyed the reference to Alan Smithee.
September 17th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
Was wondering if anyone would catch the reference.
Good story 2 days back, too, btw, John. lgp
September 17th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Very clever and amusing that story was I think.
Yoda
September 17th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
I HATE MATH. I HATE ARITHMETIC.
But I do love to write.
And I DO love this story.
September 17th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
Thanks Bob and Tootsie… lgp
September 17th, 2007 at 11:46 pm
The artificial intelligence and mathematics comments are a bit beyond me, but my lack of technical knowledge did not get in the way of my enjoying the story. Very clever satire!
I particularly enjoyed this line:
Rich. From short stories. Picture me doubled over with laughter.
September 18th, 2007 at 5:52 am
One can hope! lol, Thanks for reading and commenting.
September 20th, 2007 at 7:57 am
I still marvel that someone as ‘busy’ as you has time to spin these stories out! Not surprised that your mind works as it does, a zillion ideas, jokes, puns coming together at a time. Keep up the fun writing, we enjoy the humor you send! m
September 30th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
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