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SPERMICIDAL • by Charlie Bowers

This is going to go all the way. My first time. God knows I’ve waited long enough. Everybody says it’s a much bigger deal before than it is after. I don’t need to worry.

Avoid eye contact with everyone in the store, shuffle over to the necessary aisle, make the purchase and get the hell out. Simple.

Ribbed, featherlight, spermicidal, extra safe… Hold on. Extra safe? Shouldn’t they all be extra safe? What sadistic bastard pitched that idea in a Durex sales meeting? I’m nervous enough as it is.

Ribbed. Sounds uncomfortable, like a wetsuit. Featherlight. Maybe extra safe is just the opposite of featherlight? Spermicidal. Seems like I’m declaring war. Extra safe… Jesus, why not just take my Mom? Oh no.

MAGNUM.

Holy shit! Should I buy these? Is my mind playing tricks or are there less boxes of MAGNUM? Is everybody getting them? Am I below average? Wikipedia didn’t think so. Anyone can edit that site, though. What if my dick is the laughable size that comes to mind at the point of internet vandalism? MAGNUM… What a joke. Where’s the representation for the other end of the spectrum? They should bring out a range called ‘It’s What You Do With It That Counts!’

I don’t like this at all. There should be more inspirational posters in this section. Black-bordered pictures of a muscled guy playing golf in Florida, pointing at the camera. Caption reads: “You can do it, Champ!”. That would be nice. Much better than a government issued information board warning you about the dangers of chlamydia. Hey, no danger of catching anything after reading that turn-off. Purpose served.

Oh no. Oh no no no. One person on checkout and she’s in my English class. Why is she even working? It’s Friday night.

Wait, this is stupid. Why am I embarrassed? I’m about to get laid. I should want this girl to know, she’s kind of hot. Maybe she’ll be impressed at how sensible I am. I should go get some vitamin C too, girls like a guy that takes care of himself. Whatever that means.

Anyway, I can’t just buy condoms, can I? It’s so crass. I might as well have a double-ended dildo and a vat of lube, just go all out. “This is what I’m doing tonight. Care to join?”

Okay, she has seen me. I can’t wait by the flu meds any longer. I need to get this done and get out of here. What’s her name? Carey? Teri? I won’t address her by name.

“Hey,” I say nonchalantly, placing one item on the counter.

“Hi Tom,” Shit, she knows my name. “Late night tonight?” she says, with a wink. Should I wink back? Is that creepy? I won’t wink.

“Ha, nah. Early morning,” I say, not even knowing if it’s a joke, but laughing at it anyway. She laughs too. I’m embarrassed for both of us.

On the way out of the shop I see a nervous kid walk in and take the same direct route.

“They’re out of MAGNUM, I got the last box.”


Born in a brothel, Charlie Bowers started creating erotic fiction at the age of 5 and ¾. His love for hot, steamy literature is only overpowered by a dream to one day fill a list of sexual conquests that reaches into the quadruple figures. (He is an ordinary, albeit silly, student who lives in England.)


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SPERMICIDAL • by Charlie Bowers, 3.5 out of 5 based on 70 ratings
Posted on April 4, 2011 in Humour/Satire, Stories
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  • Samantha Memi

    This seemed to be more of a sketch than a story. In fact I think I saw something like this on TV. Nevertheless it was well written and humorous. Do men still feel embarrassed about buying condoms?

  • http://www.paulfreeman.weebly.com Paul A. Freeman

    Oh, Yes! Very funny.

    I felt myself blushing with Tom.

  • Victoria Silverwolf

    A very believeable look into the mind of a young man. I quite liked this little slice-of-life.

  • http://cursorblink.blogspot.com Nick Lewandowski

    Agree with Samantha #1. I got a distinctly Woody Allen-like vibe in places:

    “Extra safe? Shouldn’t they all be extra safe?”

    Nice job with this, it’s a fun start to a Monday morning.

  • http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3211586.Henry_Lara Henry

    Very nice! I enjoyed this one a lot.

  • ajcap

    “Wikepedia didn’t think so”
    “I should go get some vitamin C too…”

    LOL, very funny. Great voice, I was right there with him. Glad he didn’t wink back.

    Good luck with your dream, Charlie.

  • http://pittsburghflashfictiongazette.com Guy Hogan

    This brought back memories. Tom’s internal conflict is nicely done. The voice of the narrator feels authentic. I do a great deal of erotic flash fiction myself. I think you would enjoy it. When erotic flash fiction is done well, it is art.

  • Rose Gardener

    I’m still laughing. 5 MAGNUM stars.

  • http://jamesstories.com Seattle Jim

    I’ll still be laughing about this one later today. Well played Mr. Bowers. Well played indeed. Four extra large (Magnum) stars….

  • http://www.preacherspulpit.tumblr.com Preacher Slocum

    It was good! Makes me want to see what else you have written.

  • Adam Lucas

    This read more like a Mcsweeney’s Internet Tendency story than an Every Day Fiction one. I’m very surprised to see it here. But I loved it. 5 big stars.

  • Wanda

    With two pieces in Daily Flashes of Erotica Quarterly #2, and four just accepted in Issue #3, I’ve been on erotica overload for a couple of months now. So this piece really struck a chord today. Some standout lines make the mc come alive. Enjoyed.

  • http://www.deborahblood.com Debi Blood

    I’m afraid I found this story a long (albeit well-written) run up to a very old joke, but I’m delighted to see an overall positive reception for any story, even if it isn’t my cup of decaf.

  • http://mickeymills.wordpress.com Mickey Mills

    I kept waiting for the punchline that never came.

    The writing was clever and humorous, better than a lot I’ve seen, but I never connected with this character. I don’t remember being this cavalier with my first purchase. (Perhaps that was related to the venue – 50 cents in a truck stop bathroom)

  • https://sites.google.com/site/michellekingfiction/ Michelle King

    A cute piece with a breezy style and an engaging voice. It made me smile. Nicely done.

  • Rob

    You picked up an extra star when it made me laugh out loud.

    Rob

  • Douglas Campbell

    Some good laughs here. Nice job!

  • http://www.StratPlayerCJF.blogspot.com Chris Fries

    Humorous and easy to relate to, even though it’s a familiar schtick.

    Very smooth voice.

    I laughed and enjoyed it.

  • Jen

    Guess I just couldn’t find the funny in this one. I really didn’t care about Tom.

  • Carole F

    Absolutely brilliant!!

    I couldn’t stop laughing!! I’ve linked all my friends and I’ve had nothin but postive feedback!!

    If you have a good sense of humour, you’ll love this!!

    Great work Charlie!! Even your bio made me laugh (I do hope it’s not true though :P)

  • http://www.chelseamarket.com Brooklyn design

    Humerous. Clever writing and I know people this has happened to (not me!) ;) 4 stars

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