The breeze blew Mae’s long hair over her eyes as she climbed the steep sea cliff. Her bare foot slipped from the crevice, but she dared not to look down at the rocks below. She, instead, focused on the cave above, where gulls flew with graceful ease. Their squawks mocked her slow struggle to the cave entrance.
When Mae finally pulled her petite body onto the ledge, she gained justice by whooping and stomping until all of the frightened gulls flew off. The nineteen-year-old villager giggled with delight as she entered the Shaman’s domain.
From the darkness, a voice asked, “Why have you come?”
“To seek answers from my father’s soul, Kind Shaman,” Mae answered soberly.
A man with a pointed, silky beard stepped out of the shadows. He grasped a curved, wooden pipe that smelled of cherry blossoms and incense as he spoke, “It is disrespectful to disrupt the dead. Tell me your concern.”
“I am the first person from our village ever to have found a black pearl. I must keep it to receive the good luck a pearl brings to its owner, but my mother told me to sell it to help the family. So I hid it. If my father’s spirit advises me to sell it, I will sell it. If my father’s spirit advises me to keep it, I will keep it. Consult my father’s soul, I beg you.”
“A white pearl brings great fortune. The black pearl brings misfortune. Sell the pearl.” Shaman stepped back into the shadows.
Mae called after him in desperation, “When my father was alive, he told me you consulted the spirit of an ancient chief for him. Far be it from you, Great Shaman, to be unfair. Ask my father’s soul what I should do, please.”
Shaman stepped back into the sunlight and looked into Mae’s eyes. “Your father’s question was honorable. Your question, not so honorable. Besides, my wisdom will suffice. You have your answer. Do not let your desires lead you. Sell the pearl.”
“No! I will not!” she screamed. “If you will not ask my father, I will ask him myself!” Mae ran to the cave’s ledge and dove into the waves crashing onto the rocks.
Shaman walked to the ledge, looked down, and saw blood pouring from Mae’s head on the rocks. He shook his head and muttered to himself, “The dead certainly can contact the dead, but what good will his answer do now? Black pearls bring misfortune. People should listen to me.” Smoking and chatting to himself, he reentered the cave.
K.Bond writes from the shadows of the St. Louis arch. She holds a BBA and draws on her experience in business writing to entertain readers. Her fiction is published in Perpetual Magazine, FLASHSHOT, and MicroHorror.
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14 Responses to “THE FORTUNE OF A PEARL • by K. Bond”
Comments
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March 16th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Well that didn’t make any sense, did it? Even fantasy is supposed to have some internal consistency or it won’t work. Diving off a cliff is silly.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:19 am
Many problems with this one. Awkward phrasing – “she dared not to look down”, and “she, instead, focused on the cave above” in the first paragraph. Mae pulling her “petite body” onto the ledge, then “gaining justice” over the seagulls and giggling as she entered the mysterious cave – it’s not clear what kind of story is intended.
Stilted dialogue and the plot problem Gerard mentioned just add to the overall impression that this one wasn’t done cooking before it was submitted.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:31 am
The basic premise of the story is good, but the execution left something to be desired.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:37 am
Hmm, I didn’t get it
March 16th, 2009 at 6:50 am
This story is well written in fable style, good flow, but skimpy in development of her offense of attempting to disturb the shaman and the dead for such a petty reason. To whom should she sell the bad luck? She just should have noticed it was a tight market for black pearls. She could have tossed it off the cliff instead of herself, but she was too tight-fisted.
Bob-
“Gaining justice” in such a context means finding firm, balanced footing.
March 16th, 2009 at 8:45 am
The story was interesting until she dived off the cliff and broke her head on the rocks. She seemed more intelligent than that. Didn’t care for this story.
March 16th, 2009 at 11:48 am
This had the flavor of an Aesop fable, but there wasn’t any real “moral to the story” that one would expect from such a tale. As a stand-alone bit of fiction, I didn’t think this quite worked.
1) Girl climbs a cliff seeking answers from the dead.
2) Girl is disgruntled with intermediary’s answer.
3) Girl throws self off cliff to chat with dead herself.
4) Huh?
Maybe if the author had used the balance of the 1000 word limit to flesh it out a bit, it could have been better. Connecting with the reader, even in a short piece, is always possible.
Best,
–John
March 16th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
The lowest rating I have seen on everydayfiction.com. An odd story that left a lot to be desired. It didn’t do anything for me.
March 16th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
I enjoyed this story myself. It gave me a distinct feeling that as individuals we mistrust those whom we seek advice from. What do seek to prove when we ask an expert, and blow their advice off? We are better than them? Obviously not.
March 17th, 2009 at 7:27 am
If you decide to rework this, I’d suggest what some others have said — investing more time and word count in getting the reader to empathize with the protagonist (or at least foreshadow her as the impetuous fool she turns out to be).
Alternatively, consider some major carving and a new ending …
1. Get rid of the shaman. He’s an unsympathetic character with little depth and not demonstrably wise (unless living in a nigh-inaccessible cave is wise… might be.) The point is that she can have that same debate, internally, at her dad’s gravesite. Even a cliffside gravesite.
2. Have her lured to the “dark side”, death — but have her reject it and destroy the pearl instead. That could be quite dramatic if handled well: tension builds … is she going to destroy herself or the pearl?
March 17th, 2009 at 11:12 am
I liked this story, but it needed more. More devlopment, more plot, just more.
March 19th, 2009 at 7:17 am
I like it. Okay, not enough information about the girl to answer for her inconsistencies, but still. We often go to the expert to get our own opinion approved, not to get information. And I like the shaman. I like him talking to himself at the end.
March 19th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I like the story in general. I like the idea and I like the shaman character. The girl I didnt like. I didnt think a young girl that would be so determined to climb a rock face to speak with a shaman would then get to the top and start “whooping and stomping” and then mere moments later ask questions “soberly” and maintain composure. Then throw herself off a cliff in a brash moment. If you maintained from the start of the story that this was a young girl who was very impetuous then it may have worked out better. The main flaw is the inconsistency of the girl.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Uggghh, terrible reviews! I do appreciate all of the indepth advice and intend to utilize it for future stories. Also, thanks to those of you who pointed out its positive aspects.
Mielaeh, you hit the nail on the head by describing this teen as “impetuous.” I’m sorry I didn’t develop Mae’s character enough to make this trait as obvious to the reader as I intended. –k