Reginald Tanner stomped to the top of the stairs, clutching a wet bath towel about his ample middle.
“Melissa?” he called. His wife didn’t respond.
The bitter-apple taste of his brand-new body wash prickled his tongue and he could feel a thin rivulet of suds easing over his left brow. No doubt the stuff would burn like hell once it found his eye. He tried again.
“Melissa? The bathroom lights are out and the water’s off. Did you forget to pay the utility bills?”
“Come on down, Reggie,” Melissa said.
“I’ve got soap all over me. I need to finish my shower.”
“You need to get dressed and get down here.” That was her ‘we have a situation’ voice.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
“I’m fine,” she replied. “But there’s a man at the door who says he can explain everything.”
His glasses were still in the bathroom. The scene below was just a wash of colors, but Reggie could see that there was someone standing at the door with Melissa; someone wearing a scarlet jacket. It looked like a uniform.
Reggie retreated along the hall in search of something more substantial than a towel.
***
It was a uniform. Red Serge, the formal attire of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Reggie had pulled on rumpled jeans and an old, gray Stones tee-shirt.
“Morning, Mr. Tanner,” the fellow in the uniform said. “I’m Sergeant Kent McKenzie.”
“You’re a Mountie,” Reggie stammered.
“Yes, sir.”
McKenzie stood at parade rest, his hands clasped behind his back. He filled the open doorway, with his broad shoulders and his big hat, and the crease on his midnight-blue jodhpurs looked sharp enough to cut paper. Reggie felt wadded up and tossed away. Nothing more than dryer lint.
“I mean, you’re Canadian,” he said.
“Yes, sir. So are you.”
Outside, an air horn sounded. It was the sort favored by truckers. The house swayed, as if pushed by a heavy wind, swayed again and settled. The heady scent of exhausted diesel fuel wafted through the open door.
“What’s going on out there?” Melissa asked.
Reggie could feel her warm breath on the back of his neck. He tried to push his way past McKenzie to get a look outside, but the sergeant blocked the door. There had to be as much starch in the fellow’s spine as in his collar.
“Everything is under control, sir,” McKenzie said. “Part of the process.”
“Why did you just say I was Canadian?”
“You’re one of the lost Canadians.”
“I’m not lost. I was born in the United States. Right here in Seattle.”
“We won’t be in Seattle much longer, sir. I’ve taken the liberty of having your house jacked onto a flat-bed trailer. We’re northbound on Interstate Five just now and we should be in Vancouver by noon. There’s a parcel of land waiting for you. Fantastic view of the mountains.”
Reggie pushed himself up onto his toes, trying for a peek over McKenzie’s shoulder. No luck; the fellow was just too damned tall.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” he muttered.
“I wouldn’t kid you, sir,” McKenzie said, shaking his head. “Officers of the R.C.M.P. are not allowed a sense of humor.”
He paused, offering Reggie an opportunity for rejoinder, and then plowed ahead.
“Your parents moved down here — ”
He pulled a small notebook from his tunic, flipped through its pages until he found what he wanted.
“ — forty-two years ago, just before you were born, and they forgot to register you as a Canadian citizen.”
“They didn’t forget. They’re still here. American citizens now. I’m an American citizen.”
“That’s not how Canada views the situation. It’s all been an oversight that the new amendment to the Citizenship Act has corrected, as of this past April seventeenth.”
“I don’t want to be Canadian.”
“Of course you do. Canadian citizenship is precious. It’s respected all over the world.”
“No insult intended, Sergeant, but you can’t just show up and house-nap people, move them over an international border on a semi-trailer. What about my job? What about my wife and kids?”
“Spouses and children are covered by the amendment. They’re Canadian citizens now, too.”
Melissa gasped. Something of size thumped onto the floor. From the sound of it, Reggie was certain that Melissa had fainted; she had never been very good with sudden change. But he was just as certain that McKenzie would consider it a sign of weakness if Reggie broke eye contact to check on her.
“We have a new job lined up for you, Mr. Tanner,” McKenzie said. “Canada needs workers with your particular skill set.”
“Look here, Sergeant. My family and I don’t want to move to Canada, regardless of what sort of job is waiting for me.”
McKenzie took a step forward. They were just inches apart now. Reggie caught a whiff of aftershave. Brut.
“There are other benefits. Lower housing costs. Lower crime rate. A dependable rail system and great beer.”
“All that sounds wonderful, but — ”
“Comprehensive medical coverage for all citizens.”
“Yes, but — ”
“Then there’s the repatriation stipend.”
“No! It’s not about — ” Reggie stopped and studied McKenzie for a moment.
“Repatriation stipend?”
“Yes, sir.” For the first time since he appeared at the door, McKenzie looked a bit abashed. “It’s not very well publicized.”
“What does that involve?”
McKenzie glanced about and then stepped even closer. He whispered for a moment, as he touched Reggie’s collar.
“How much?” Reggie stammered.
McKenzie whispered again. When he stepped back into the doorway, he snapped to attention.
“Well, sir,” he asked. “What do you say?”
Reggie reached to his collar and fingered the enameled bit of red and gold pinned there. A maple leaf.
“I say that after forty-two years stranded in this God-forsaken country, it’s a-boot time my homeland came to the rescue, eh?”
“Yes, sir.” McKenzie nodded. “I couldn’t have said that any better.”
K.C. Ball is a retired newspaper reporter and media relations coordinator. She lives in Seattle. In addition to Every Day Fiction, her flash fiction has appeared in various online and print publications, including Flash Fiction Online, Boston Literary Magazine and Murky Depths. Her flash fiction, “Hair of the Dog”, was included in The Best of Every Day Fiction 2008 and her short fiction, “Coward’s Steel”, won third place in the 1st Quarter 2009 Writers of the Future competition. K.C. blogs about writing at A Moving Line.
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30 Responses to “THE MAPLE LEAF MANEUVER • by K.C. Ball”
Comments
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November 23rd, 2009 at 2:29 am
KC,
You crack me up!
I think I just might want to become a Canadian, too. I loved the giggle!
November 23rd, 2009 at 3:33 am
Good read!
November 23rd, 2009 at 4:13 am
A cute, lighthearted story to start the day. Thanks. Yes, money can make any inconvenience a bit easier to handle! I wish I could cash in on my Candian roots.
November 23rd, 2009 at 5:11 am
A great piece of satire, KC, and beautifully written as always. But, are you not treading on dangerous ground with the line about medical coverage. You could upset Mr Pres and even be responsible for a mass exodus.
Thanks, too, for the pointer to the Canadian Citizenship Act amendments, very interesting stuff. My granddaddy was a Nova Scotian… I wonder?
November 23rd, 2009 at 5:28 am
Great start to the day. 5 stars from me!
November 23rd, 2009 at 5:34 am
[...] Red Serge is front and center in my flash fiction, The Maple Leaf Manuever, at Every Day Fiction [...]
November 23rd, 2009 at 6:32 am
Insight mixed with wry humour. Long wet winters in the Northwest tend to encourage both qualities. I gave it 5 maple leaves–er, stars.
November 23rd, 2009 at 6:59 am
Great story, eh? What more can I say?
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:11 am
“There are other benefits. Lower housing costs. Lower crime rate. A dependable rail system and great beer.”
Well said, sir; well said. A natural 5.
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:22 am
Lovely, humorous and unexpected. *5*
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:27 am
What a wonderful, light-hearted story! Loved it.
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:53 am
Man, I wish _my_ parents had been born in Canada.
November 23rd, 2009 at 8:08 am
Great start to my morning! I remember the brouhaha it caused back when I was in the U. S. defense contracting industry and spent Wednesdays as a Canadian – flag on my desk, “Oh, Canada!” on the speakers, maple leaf on my lapel. Those were the days!
November 23rd, 2009 at 8:40 am
I heard they have four seasons in Canada…
Hockey season, hockey season, hockey season, and OMG, I can’t believe it’s still hockey season!
Great write K.C. I needed the chuckle this morning. In my limited experience, satire is terribly difficult to write. you seem to do it with a master’s touch.
-BRAVO-
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:45 am
Great job, K.C.! Very funny, with superb dialogue. A solid five-stars!
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:20 am
Very cute and funny. Thanks for the chuckle. I passed it on to my Canadian relatives.
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:07 am
What a good way to begin my day. Love this KC. Another Ball hit out of the park.
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:43 am
haha!
“I wouldn’t kid you, sir,” McKenzie said, shaking his head. “Officers of the R.C.M.P. are not allowed a sense of humor.”
We know that, don’t we, K.C.? Nicely done.
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:57 am
I loved the bit about moving the house while they were in it. As a Canadian expat I enjoyed the little details all Canucks secretly pride themselves on.
A fun 5 star read K.C., and a-boot time too, eh!
November 23rd, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Great stuff. I enjoyed it a lot.
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Amazingly entertaining
Well written…..BUT…To bad Maneuver is mispelled
Ahhhh…atention to detail !!!!
A great read nevertheless
November 23rd, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Now that lifts the spirits on a cool, autumn day.
5*****
–dj
November 23rd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Good one.
November 23rd, 2009 at 5:52 pm
There’s always that bottom line, eh? 5 hockey sticks!
November 23rd, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Five maple leaves from me as well. I liked the pace, the wit (quick and dry), the pluck, and of course the whole preposterousness of the situation. It had a flavor of Douglas Adams, who makes me laugh every time.
Good read. Thanks,
–John
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Thank you all for the many kind words. They are much appreciated. I had fun writing this one and I’m glad you all had fun reading it.
K.C.
November 24th, 2009 at 1:37 am
Mickey wrote “I heard they have four seasons in Canada… Hockey season, hockey season, hockey season, and OMG, I can’t believe it’s still hockey season!”
No, the seasons are winter, sleet, slush and road works.
November 24th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
What a cute story. My chuckle for today.
November 25th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Great story!
November 25th, 2009 at 10:47 am
[...] since you are just laying around in a turkey coma, you should go read this story by KC. It is [...]