They stand about the cottage on dark winter days, milky eyes peering in at the windows. They are so silent in their waiting, so still.
My father heaps coal on the fire, smiling, twinkling; he does not see them. My mother is in the kitchen, busy with the cooking; she does not see them.
But I see them. I see them often now, when life in our cottage is merriest, and the world outside dismal and cold. That is when they like to come. Gaunt faces close against the frosty panes. Withered lips parted. And the eyes, the empty, staring eyes, never blinking, like twin moons in an endless night. They look longingly at the warmth and the wealth and the joy. They look hungrily.
My mother brings the stew to the table. Though we eat well, there is still enough leftover for many more meals. When we have finished, my father tunes his fiddle, begins to scratch away at it until it shrieks. My mother sits in her rocker and sews.
I curl up on the hearth, my face turned away from the windows. The flames are close enough to singe my hair and yet still I shiver. For I feel their gaze, their yearning look crawling through the panes, and I fear the time is coming when they will no longer be content to watch from the whirling snow and the bitter cold. I fear the time is coming when they will come in. The pale lean ones.
Stefan Bachmann writes in Zurich.
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Camilla d’Errico: A character designer and artist who dances on the tightrope between pop surrealist art and manga inspired graphics. Explore her paintings, characters and comics: Tanpopo, BURN and Helmetgirls.
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16 Responses to “THE PALE LEAN ONES • by Stefan Bachmann”
Comments
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October 31st, 2009 at 5:39 am
This one doesn’t seem to go anywhere. It feels incomplete. What are these “pale lean ones” and why can only the narrator see them? Are they real or is he hallucinating? Are they ever going to get in or not?
No answers!
This looks like it might be good as an intro to something longer, but IMHO it doesn’t stand well on its own.
October 31st, 2009 at 7:05 am
An interesting tableau that could leading up to something interesting happening, which doesn’t.
One observation on technique: “That is when they like to come” would have been more chilling if it had been “That is when they come.” Giving the Pale Lean Ones the volition whether to come to the little cottage, or go to a Walmart Opening, takes away a little of the foreboding of the thing.
October 31st, 2009 at 7:06 am
I agree with Jim. It is too incomplete to make a full story.
October 31st, 2009 at 7:13 am
What Bob said. “That is when they come” would have been a great creepy ending. I feel like it captures a sense of our economic times well.
October 31st, 2009 at 7:18 am
Good suggestion about the ending and the piece is beautifully written, haunting…very visual.
October 31st, 2009 at 8:22 am
If you read this one aloud with a bit of eerie music in the background and perhaps a distant wind and creak sound effect, it is pretty chilling. Of course, such garnish could improve just about any horror story.
I can see where the suggested changes might tighten things up a bit. Still…I thought it was okay. Not the best of the Halloween bunch (that would have been Dumping the Dead). It’s sitting just above 2 stars now on the ratings, and I’m not sure it deserves that kind of hammering.
–John
October 31st, 2009 at 8:56 am
I loved this story. It had a great errie and haunting sfeeling to it. To me it didn’t if we found out who these “lean ones” were. To me, they were ghosts who wanted into the house and into the watm family life, but could never come in.
I think it’s great that you leave things open to the reader to discover.
October 31st, 2009 at 1:08 pm
With a title taken from Plutarch’s poem of Julius Ceasar, this story stands very well on its own as a sketch warning against invaders that seem relatively harmless but are ultimately overpowering. (Overflow of foreigners in a culture, political small fry vying for positions of importance, the coworker that one-ups you on every single project, you name it.)
Good short story with a deeper meaning.
October 31st, 2009 at 1:50 pm
To me, this is a bit like an enticement, rather than a story in itself – if this was the blurb on the back of the book, I’d be in there reading imediately.
And I had a similar reaction to JC Towler – I imagined Vincent Price reading it aloud in his “Thriller” voice! The image of this poor child (I assume) curled up in terror on the rug while his family go about their routine sticks with the reader.
October 31st, 2009 at 2:07 pm
I agree with others: eerie and haunting, and a good story with a deeper meaning.
November 1st, 2009 at 12:02 am
Thanks everyone for reading, and I’m glad a few of you even liked it! I was surprised it got accepted, let-alone put on Halloween. It wasn’t *exactly* supposed to be a horror-story. More an allegory. And one that I doubt can really be understood without having read Plutarch’s or Shakespear’s ” Julius Ceasar”. So yes, it’s definitely incomplete…
November 1st, 2009 at 6:35 am
The problem with allegories … if the reader DOESN’T KNOW the story is an allegory, it will be judged as something else, and probably get a downcheck.
I have never read Plutarch, and it has been more years than I care to admit since I read Shakespeare’s “Julius Caesar” in high school, so I didn’t pick up on the allegorical nature of this piece. So I took it at “face value,” just what I could see on the page.
Maybe EDF’s list of categories (horror, fantasy, etc.) is incomplete and they need to put “Allegory” in the list?
November 1st, 2009 at 4:29 pm
This story has potential, but it needs more to complete it. And it wasn’t intended as horror? The problem with a story being symbolic of another is there’s no guarantee people have read the original piece. There’s also no guarantee they’d be able to connect your story with another.
I think it has good horror qualities, but like I said, there isn’t enough information to really feel anything about it or the characters.
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:34 am
You set a really good mood in this story. Anytime I imagine strange faces pressed against dark window panes, I get a chill.
I don’t know if anyone else got this feeling, but what with the character laying on the hearth, and almost singeing his hair, I suddenly felt like this was a dog, and the characters outside were cats (maybe to the dog, cats are mysterious and scary, while “mom” and “dad” pay them no attention).
I also agree that this could be the start of a longer story. Good atmosphere, nice imagery, but it could be built up more.
November 4th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
I’m so glad someone else saw it the way I did.
I totally thought the narrator was a house cat (tough a dog makes since too).
The pale lean ones are strays attracted to warmth and light.
I was surprised that this was classed as horror. I thought it was about a guilty house-pet who feels bad for the strays, but also fears them.
November 16th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Yes, to me a dog would have been perfect. And the pale lean ones would have been strays. Obviously, the people never notice. But good as it play out here, also.