30th January
It’s been a month since my return. If you’re reading this, you probably aren’t going to believe what I say in this diary. Sometimes I don’t believe it myself.
A month ago I stepped through a gate. I returned to this world a few seconds after leaving it.
Sure, crazy, what’s the problem? I hear you ask.
The problem is what those few seconds were.
Twenty years.
10th February
I went back to the gate again today. My heart so desperately wishes to return. I stepped through. Nothing. Obviously.
I am so alone.
23rd February
I’m in my first year of University. And I don’t know what to do. I was top of my year at the end of school.
But that was twenty years ago.
28th February
A boy talked to me today. I can’t help but think of them all as kids. I mean, sure, I’m in the body of an eighteen year old. But ..
I had kids of my own.
Twenty years.
2nd March
I’m desperately alone.
Went to the gate again. I’ve gone back every single day. Nothing.
16th March
Dreams in sleep and memories in waking hours, they remind me of all that was. Those few seconds. Twenty years.
I was the greatest warrior in all the lands. I’d been champion of mighty King Barack The Blackened. I’d married Prince Ryan, his son, on the steps of the Glass Temple.
Twenty years.
29th March
I failed a test today. It all seems so pointless.
I was Garshua, Light of the Elves. A child of prophesy, born out of the world, come into the world, at the time rightly appointed.
We had children.
Twenty years.
2nd April
Mum and Dad came to see me today. They’re worried, as you can imagine.
Haven’t told them about anything real. Nothing that happened. They wouldn’t believe anyway.
After they left I went to the gate again. I prayed so hard. But nothing happened.
I miss Thomas. Brandon. Christine. Moira. Saul. David. David most of all. He was my heart.
Will I ever see them again?
7th April
Had a fight with Mum over the phone today. She sees me as an eighteen year old. What can I do to convince her I’m not?
I’m never going to see them again. My dear hearts. The children. David, my best friend.
I’m so alone.
20th April
Every Daughter of the Blade was special. But I was gifted beyond even the special.
Rhianna, the King’s Blade before me, knew the first moment she laid eyes on me. For my ears alone, she whispered those words. “When it happens, do not hesitate.”
It was four years before I understood what she meant. Of course, she died. I didn’t hesitate.
The next year I fought Garamus. King of the Dragons. And after I had defeated him, we spoke of many things. Magic. Life. Darkness. And other worlds.
Twenty years.
29th April
I feel stupid for writing it again. Every day I visit the gate. Today was no different than the last.
Thomas was my eldest. He shone bright. Strong. Courageous. Humble. I think we pushed him too hard. And Brandon, oh.
Brandon died when he was seven. I cannot ..
3rd May
Brandon was born under a marvellous sign. His was to be the reign of Love and Peace. But he died.
Christine was joy. Laughter. Freedom and spirit.
I miss them so much.
Moira my princess. Dark of hair and troubled of mind. Intelligent beyond compare. She had just told me about her struggle with magic, that night. I stepped through the gate, completely unknowing.
Twenty years.
12th May
Saul. He said his first word that day. Such a bundle of wonder. Oh ..
27th May
I’ve made a friend. Sharon has been helping me with Chemistry. I finally relented and sat with them at lunch today. It’s so very strange. Being at school.
They’re all just kids.
Just realised, I didn’t visit the gate today.
3rd June
Sharon now has a boyfriend. I’m so old. I feel like her mother.
I can’t help but see Christine in her. And want to protect that.
Help me! I’m so alone.
14th June
David fills my dreams. And my waking moments. Memories. Thoughts. I miss his laughter. His kiss. I miss him.
I stayed at the gate for a long time today. Walked away without opening it.
30th June
I’m leaving. This cannot be all that life in this world can give me.
I killed a man tonight. A group of college boys were out of their minds drunk, and thought they’d get rough with Sharon and myself.
My body may be eighteen, but my mind remembers what to do.
Twenty years. I picked up a stick.
Memories flashed into reality. I was on the field of battle.
Blood, death, chaos. They walked with me.
Sharon was crying. Looking at me like I was a freak.
I am a freak. I’m nothing that this world has ever seen.
Twenty years.
I’m going back to the gate. Taking the Journal with me.
30th June, I guess
I stepped through the gate.
Towering before me, immense and old, old beyond reckoning, was a Heart Tree.
There was nothing else but grass and undulating hills. No gate behind me.
David had planted a Heart Tree in our courtyard.
I miss him. I miss them all.
So alone.
Stu Andrews. Husband. Father. Story Teller. Often mistaken for a silver-back gorilla due to excessive amounts of body hair and large shoulders.
Did you like this story?
A new and interesting story is posted every day.
A new and interesting story is posted every day.
Subscribe to the RSS Feed! (what is rss)
Don’t miss another story! Subscribe to Every Day Fiction via RSS.- Share on Facebook
Rate this story
48 Responses to “TWENTY YEARS • by Stu Andrews”
Comments
« THE ANGELS OF MERCILESS • by Dave Macpherson | Home | BAG LADY BLUES • by Mark Dalligan »
April 16th, 2009 at 12:25 am
Didn’t get it!
Thought it was contemporary, then historical, then fantasy. Didn’t realise the MC was female till after she met Sharon.
All a bit too highbrow for me, perhaps.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:17 am
I quite enjoyed the premise of this, although you could do a little more to the language to make it fit into the diary format.
I agree with Paul that you need to define your MC’s sex and the genre earlier – both jar a little when they’re revealed. (I think the assumption of sex comes from seeing it’s a male author – in the absence of any other clues I just read it as a male).
April 16th, 2009 at 1:23 am
Paul & Martin:
Thanks for the comments. Agreed. It does jar. I didn’t think enough while writing .. my brain thought it was quite obvious who the protag was. Bad writing form.
Thanks again.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:35 am
Yes, there are shortcomings…but I very much enjoyed the premise.
Gender of the main character is revealled in the 6th diary entry..I guess it could be earlier, perhaps when you say ”I am so alone” in the 2nd entry- you could elaborate and make it obvious its a woman? But I didn’t mind that it was revealled slowly.
I like that your alternate world is complex and very ‘worked out’ it adds to the authenticity that the character has been totally emersed in that other world and then the shock of coming back. And encourages the reader to progress, to learn more about the other life.
The repetition of ”20 years” did jar a bit – i think it only needs saying a couple of times – or you could pop in small comments on other aspects of how life have changed (clothes, computers etc) to show how long she has been away?
Feel this is ripe for extending, making into a much longer piece?
I enjoyed it.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:38 am
The end makes me think of Shelley’s Ozymandias.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:25 am
Helen:
Thanks! Much appreciate your words. I umm’d and ahh’d about the “20 years” repetition. Wanted to tie it in at the end, but couldn’t find a way. And then didn’t go back and work it through better.
Peter:
Nice! Didn’t have that in mind .. But yeah. Been a while since I’ve read that sucker. Looking it up now
April 16th, 2009 at 3:22 am
Nicely done. The gender of the protagonist didn’t bother me, nor the timing. That’s fantasy for you – ambiguity and progressive revelation.
What did bother me was the repetition: “20 years”. “So alone.” I realize it’s a diary, but still – we get it.
The ending was particularly nice. Time passes much more quickly on the other side of the Gate. When she finally makes it back, of course everything she knew will have passed. A terrific continuation of the theme; but it probably wasn’t necessary to hammer it home with the last “so alone.”
April 16th, 2009 at 3:26 am
Bob:
Cheers! “Progressive revelation” is a phrase I’ve not heard before. Nice.
The “20 years” and “So alone” phrases came as I wrote. I guess the repetition appeared in my mind, because it was a journal, and the nature of the story, and I didn’t edit so much
April 16th, 2009 at 3:52 am
I too liked the premise very much, Stu. I did however find the lead-up rather hard going and almost gave up (please don’t misunderstand that, it was probably simply my rainy-day low mood) but by the excellent time-shift twist ending I was very glad I’d kept on reading. IMO, with a tad more visualisation, editing and polishing this will be one killer story.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:56 am
Oscar:
Wow, thanks! I understand the giving-up. The beginning could probably do with a bit of a rework. My short stories don’t get a lot of love after the initial spurt of creativity. All part of becoming a better writer, I need to edit in more depth.
I’m keen to understand what you mean by “visualisation”?
April 16th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Hi Stu. First, let me state that I’m only an apprentice writer myself, so take whatever I may say with a generous pinch of salt – okay? By ‘visulisation’(rightly or wrongly) I mean ‘that most mysterious of writing processes that transfers an image in the writer’s mind into the mind of the reader’. I can’t pretend to understand it, but it does seem to work best when the writer can him/herself see that image as clearly as possible at the time of creation (writing) – hence my term ‘visualisation’.
Hope this helps.
Cheers and more power to your typing fingers.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:17 am
Oscar:
Ahhh, gotcha! I guess it’s something a good bard needed in spades, ha ha.
Thanks very much. And all the best back to you.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:42 am
I’d say needed by any writer good bard or indifferent.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:29 am
I thought it was fantastic. I was intrigued in the beginning and that same interest carried me through until the end. I liked the repetition, it really showed how empty she was feeling through her entire time back as an 18 year old. The journal entries gave me a real sense of the disjointedness the character was feeling.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:55 am
It starts with “If you’re reading this” which presumes that someone has found this journal and is giving it a read, but then it ends with “Taking the Journal with me”. I know we are supposed to suspend disbelief, but that felt off.
Overall I felt the story was thin, as if the writer was afraid to plunge into the character’s feeling. Easy enough to say “I miss so-and-so and I miss such-and-such,” but really, beyond the universal feeling of loss, what are you giving us? Easy enough to toss out scenarios–Brandon’s loss, Moira my princess–but there are so many and coming so fast they don’t really stick.
One thing that bothers me about these journal-stories are the one or two line entries. I’ve read journals and I’ve kept them myself at points in my life, and its a rare thing indeed to limit oneself to a single line, particularly when one is in the emotional situation this characters is supposed to be in. For that reason, I don’t think the journal format served this story’s purpose.
This was a flash version of Narnia and it didn’t work for me.
–John
April 16th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Ali:
I’m really glad you enjoyed the repetition, and got the disjointedness. Thanks!
John:
Yeah okay. The beginning and end “journal” elements don’t match up.
However, Dude. It might be just me, but what’s with the down? I don’t do “these journal-stories”. I just write stories. Sure, you might have kept an awesome journal with great paragraphs of emotive emoticons, I did for a while at school too. But ..
This is a short story. I tell it fast and hard. That’s how it comes. Perhaps if this were a longer piece, there’d be more justification of too much too soon .. But that’s part of what I love about short stories, trying to pack something big into something small.
I’m very much not an expert. But I love writing, and .. I really don’t agree with you at all, obviously.
And I really think you could have commented in a better manner. This isn’t an academic writing journal. It’s a place for short stories. Flash fiction.
Sorry that you didn’t get anything out of this story. Hopefully next time.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:20 am
I felt for this character, and I liked the concept very much. The idea of two worlds moving at different rates fascinates me, and the way it was expressed in the end was perfect. I didn’t really mind the gender thing and have no complaints. I guess I just got lost in the POV and didn’t speculate about the mechanics. Good job.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Joshua:
Cheers! Thanks for the words.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Stu, you need to grow a thicker skin, and take value where you find it.
Nobody writes for EDF for the money, so there must be another reason why you’d submit your story here. I assume that a major reason is the immediate feedback from your readers, right? You should be much more thankful for your critics than for the people who love your stuff; it’s the critics who will tell you how to improve your writing. John made some valid observations about weaknesses in your execution of this story – you don’t have to agree with him, but he’s certainly not out of line in pointing them out.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:39 am
I was intrigued by the plot. Disappointed with how it turned out. It has, IMHO, unrealized potential.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:54 am
Bob:
Fundamental difference of opinion of how the world goes around. You don’t have to be acerbic to get a point across. You don’t have to be harsh to teach someone.
The good comments, where people are just happy to say “nice one!”, are just as vital and important as the critical comments. To me they are.
There might be big problems with my story. I’m more than happy to talk them through. Or not. It’s a short story.
I took issue with the way the criticism was given. Why is it that me taking him up on his method means I should have a thicker skin?
Anyway. The points themselves are fair. ‘Nuff said I spose. I’ll pull my head in.
Walker:
Sorry you didn’t like the ending. Glad the plot intrigued you.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Very interesting premise, but I agree that it needed a couple of edits to sharpen the storyline. Specifically, I was confused by the characters the protagonist remembers. It says early on that she married Prince Ryan, son of King Barack, but then the person she remembers as a lover is David. On my first read through, this kept me from understanding what had happened to the protagonist (because I assumed that David was someone she remembered from the modern world and Ryan someone from the fantasy world). As a result, I was unclear whether the twenty years had passed in the modern world or in the fantasy world.
I would suggest working to clarify what the character has gone through (tricky, in diary format), and perhaps reducing the number of characters she remembers. There are a list of 6 names she remembers, 5 children, and 1 David. It makes sense to me to reduce the number and remember the remainder more vividly. Space is at a premium in flash fiction, and I think reducing the number of characters would give more space to flesh out the fantasy world.
Also, the heart tree is a nice touch at the end, and it could be fleshed out by making the imagery more physical. What does a heart tree look like?
Keep up the writing, Stu, and take suggestions for what they’re worth. John had some criticisms for my own recent story, too… but I take that seriously. It’s helpful to know what obstacles are keeping others from enjoying my stories — I work hard on what I write, and it’s always good to know what’s stopping readers from getting the full benefit of my efforts. I keep a list of things to watch for when I edit, and criticisms are a great source of things to put on the list.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:04 am
Erica:
Thanks for the critique. Much appreciated.
Having a period of a couple of months between writing the short story and having it published means I forget a lot of stuff. But ..
The Prince Ryan / David thing pretty much is a bug. Good catch.
There are a lot of names in this. Like John said, there are a lot of scenarios in this. Too many. I wrote a story once in fifth-grade where my teacher told me to be careful. I’d put so many events and elements into the story that it was in danger of being too much.
Describing the Heart Tree is a good idea.
And thanks. I do take suggestions/critiques seriously. They provoke my mind further, which is always a good thing.
I’m not prickly. Just a prop-forward who likes to write stories but thinks everything boils down to scrums and physical contest
April 16th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Hi, Stu.
I was not going to bother making any observations on your story as the fantasy genre is not “my thing”. It was probably for that reason that the story didn’t work for me…I think that it was an interesting concept, and delivered fairly well. I had no problems with the male/female character identification (On Feb 28, “A boy talked to me today…” took that to mean person writing the story was a girl). The journal entry format works for me. I have a story submitted to MicroHorror (a shameless plug on my part) in a journal format –I hope it’s out there within the week.
All that aside, I have to agree with Bob’s comment about accepting the criticism from your readers. I have a story submitted to EDF right now, and it is precisely for that feedback that I submitted the story. As writers, we can only go so far on the comments of family and close friends. We need feedback from our peers as well, be it good or bad. Perhaps I find that feedback easier to take as I’ve taken a number of face-to-face slaggings over the years in creative writing classes…
I don’t expect everybody to enjoy what I’ve written all of the time. What you have here didn’t work well for me, but I appreciate that it’s an interesting topic and faily well-written. Look forward to your next story, Stu. PS. I liked your web site…regards, Alan.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:10 am
Alan:
Cheers.
I don’t really get comments from family or close friends. This stuff comes straight out of my brain to the submission
However, I completely understand and agree with what you are saying. Becoming better means listening to criticism. It’s like a piece of software. If you don’t listen to what your customer wants, then you’re in for a world of hurt. Heh.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Because this story is written as a journal, the writing is cool notation, thin reminders, but it reads like possible notes for a story, not a story. If you want to keep the thin skeleton of notes like a diary, without emotion or strong structuring of the wording of lines, some other kind of structuring entries should be found, tying the lines more tightly to control the flow and hold the readers’ interest.
Repetition is usual in diaries, and keeps the character of the piece. (e.g: “Raining. Lunch alone again today.”) The repitition of “twenty years” is the only writerly touch of emotion in the piece. It may be the diarist’s reminder to self of the focus of the day’s thoughts and feelings.
This story is primarily not based on “visualization,” and doesn’t need it.
John OBX – ref:comment 16 – Like a journal, entries are made in the beginning which may be belied by later events.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:03 am
I quite enjoyed the plot and didn’t mind the fact that we only find out that the protaganist is female later on in the story. I also liked her return to the modern world and how hard it was for her. There were some slow parts, but ti qas nicely written.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Roberta:
Thanks for the critique. I guess I was taking a broader view of what a story is. That a skeleton, or something like a tv show script, could be a story in itself.
Jen:
Cheers! It would be pretty hard for someone to come back into a world, not just changed, but in a body twenty years younger than they were used to.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:29 am
I had some trouble figuring out what was going on here. Differential time rates in two worlds is no problem (I’ve done stories on that myself) but …
Why, on return to “this world”, do we have twenty years of memories of elapsed time and events, but there has been no physical (physiological) time elapsed? Why does the protagonist still have an eighteen year old body? Was the twenty years just a dream? If the twenty years actually took place, why isn’t she physically twenty years older?
The story just doesn’t seem to hang together for me.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Jim:
Good question. She came back into this world the same age she left it, a few seconds older, in her body. At least, that’s the premise I went with. Could have gone other ways I suppose, but liked this one.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:26 am
I loved this story.
Others have given useful feedback, and certainly fixing the journal location and the David/Ryan thing are important, but you wrote a compelling story that stayed strong until the end. It’s very good. I’m looking forward to reading more of your work.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I really enjoyed this story! I found it so sad and powerful. Poor, poor girl — torn from all she loved and wanted, twice! Like some others, I was a little jarred to find out that the MC was female after being well into the story, but I really liked that she was a female. It’s great to have a story in which a woman kicks that much butt!
I think this is a richly imagined world, rife with possibilities for other stories. I’d love to see more someday.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Alas, the Land of Faerie strikes down yet another witless victim.
The repetition of “20 years” and “so alone” weren’t necessary, but it did give the story a bit of a Poe-ish feel to an otherwise straightforward story.
Overall, good job!
April 16th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Stu –
EDF is like a workshop with colleagues collaborating in honing their craft. Starting writers are grateful for the pointers from the more experienced. Experienced writers are surprised and delighted when beginners can cast a new light. When one is deeply involved in the craft itself, arguments about it can get heated, but the angers are directed at the opinions which influence the production of the art itself, not at the persons who share a goal. After rubbing elbows in a workshop awhile you’ll get used to it.
Re: comment 30 – It doesn’t read like a TV script. It reads like notes of a journal to be made into a story. Sometimes stories are worked on, lie fallow, worked on again, for many months, even years. It depends on you as writer. But my opinion is you really have something worth working on longer here.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Emendation: My comment regarding TV script was given wrong numbering, it should read – Comment: “or something like a tv show script, not comment 30. From now on I won’t use numbers, only quotes to refer to references.
I would like to add that all comments refer to the particular current story, but we all learn from the comments in general, not only the comments on our own work. Those deeply interested in the craft think of each work as an “usness” and as colleagues are as hard on it as one would be on oneself.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Interesting idea, but it didn’t work for me. Sorry.
A 20 year ‘do-over in your life? What a blessed treat! Not making mistakes you made before. Knowing which companies to buy stock in. Prior knowledge of world events. To know who that special someone is before they even come along. . .
Yet all your character did was moan about what she hadn’t gotten yet–but already *knew* she was GOING to get. Too much wallowing in pointless depression for me.
Would a person really *never* open their eyes to anything good about a ‘do-over’? Never think, ‘If only I knew then what I know now . . . Oh, wait . . . I DO!’ ???
April 16th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Roberta, regarding your comments 34 & 35: Well said…
April 16th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Rob,
She slips through a gate to an alternate dimension/universe/time where she spends twenty subjective years, but in “real time” (time on Earth) it passes only in a matter of seconds. At least that’s my take. In any case, she’s clearly not gone back in time a la “Peggy Sue Got Married”.
–John
April 16th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Shelle:
Thanks! Will put more time into this world.
Erin:
Nice, and thanks! The female perspective should be cleared up sooner, yes.
Scott:
Poe-ish. Wowza
Roberta:
Cheers. I look forward to more elbow rubbing.
Rob:
I understand what you’re saying. But in my story the woman was so deeply moved by her experience that she didn’t really (or maybe did, but we don’t read about it) think about those kinds of things.
And she wasn’t moaning about what she was GOING to get. This isn’t a time travel story like that. It wasn’t a do over. Not really.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
John:
Exactly. Nicely put.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
I loved it except for the Twenty years repetition.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
January:
Thanks! Glad you liked it. Except for the repetition
April 17th, 2009 at 1:06 am
Greatt…Liked It..Ya Repetitions..But was nicely executed and the flow was good..A different one..Nice..
April 17th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Chetan:
Fantastic! Glad you liked it.
April 17th, 2009 at 9:30 am
I enjoyed this. At first I thought the speaker was male, and it jarred a bit when he married a man, and I went back and changed the voice in my head. Otherwise, I have no nits whatsoever. I was interested throughout, and the ending was tragic. I can only imagine how many years have passed in the alternate universe, how it all will have changed, and trying to go back to that life was doomed from the first.
April 17th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Pilgrimage:
Thanks for the comments! It was a tragic ending. Cheers.
April 18th, 2009 at 6:25 am
The “Sleepy Hollow” ending of Washington Irving was actually a bigger threat. But this story was an interesting re-thinking of that old tale.
April 18th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Haven’t read that. Thanks for the heads up, Google-ing now.