Weddings. The world would be a much happier place if couples would just make a pit stop at the justice of the peace and spare the rest of us the agony. Think of all the money people would save! All the time that wouldn’t be wasted! Think of all my time that wouldn’t be wasted!
My hands were folded in my lap as I sat on the uncomfortable wooden pew, waiting for this matrimonial ordeal to blow over. I opened my hands and looked at the ring I held. I was too furious to wear it. I wanted to throw in the ocean, but since there were no oceans in the vicinity, I continued to clutch it and keep my secret. Jean’s father walked her down the aisle as the organ music played. This was ridiculous. I should’ve jumped up, held the ring out for everyone to see, and started screaming like a banshee. If that didn’t end this fiasco, at least there’d be a good chance that they’d escort me out and throw me in the nut house. Hmmm. This was suddenly very tempting.
I looked at Jean. She made me physically ill, up there all in white lace and roses, people gushing over how beautiful she looks, how pure she is, how envied she is right now. Why don’t church pews come equipped with loaded pistols for those of us who want to end our misery in situations like this?
Since the pews bore no firearms, and I hadn’t worked up the nerve to divulge my secret just yet, I sat, hands in my lap, occasionally stealing glimpses of the ring. No one here knew who I was. No one except Walter. Walter, who stood at the altar with that disgustingly smug grin on his face. Did he think he could just disappear without so much as a note? Walter has always been a coward. He hates confrontation, you know, dealing with my messy emotions. I’m sure he’d especially hate the alimony payment if he’d done the right thing and divorced me, but did he not think I would track him down, halfway across the country, if need be? Obviously, Walter had underestimated me.
This was going to be fun.
I couldn’t wait to see the look on Walter’s face when he caught a glimpse of me. Here. At his wedding. As though our wedding five years ago meant nothing. Everyone turned to admired Jean. Everyone, except me. I zeroed in on Walter. His eyes met mine. That self-satisfied smirk melted into a look of horror, and all the color drained from his face.
I sure didn’t want Walter, but I think Jean, as much as I despised her thin, platinum blonde perfection, needed to know the truth.
The priest began his spiel about holy matrimony. When he reached the part about anyone having a reason “why this disgustingly happy couple shouldn’t be joined in holy damn matrimony” I looked at the ring and stood up, a smile curling my lips. The priceless look on Walter’s face was going to make this all worthwhile.
Stephanie Scarborough lives in Fort Worth, Texas with her two feline overlords. Her work has appeared in The Harrow, Every Day Fiction, and Bewildering Stories and is forthcoming in OMG!: The Book of Awesome Stuff and Big Pulp. Visit her website at http://hellostephanie.net.
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16 Responses to “WHY PEWS DON’T COME WITH PISTOLS • by Stephanie Scarborough”
Comments
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November 5th, 2008 at 2:33 am
[...] in News, Publications tagged fiction, flash, published at 4:33 am by stephaniescarborough “Why Pews Don’t Come With Pistols” is up at Every Day Fiction! Give it a read, and rate or leave a comment if you feel so [...]
November 5th, 2008 at 2:56 am
Shiny, Steph! Personally, I’ve always thought a pair of fifty-caliber machine guns mounted in the grill of my SUV would be just the thing.
November 5th, 2008 at 3:08 am
Thanks, KC!
November 5th, 2008 at 4:07 am
Delightful.
November 5th, 2008 at 5:35 am
Hey Stephanie!! I think this story is my favorite so far, except fot the one about the fish sticks . . . oh, and the hummus story . . . and I can’t leave out the piquancy dusted cupcakes, or the nuclear muffins . . . OH DANG IT! I love ALL of your quirky, funny stories. Keep ‘em coming!!!
November 5th, 2008 at 5:49 am
Great job, Steph! This story is fun and funny — love that combo.
November 5th, 2008 at 5:53 am
[...] group mate, Stephanie, has the story of the day at EDF this morning. It’s called “Why Pews Don’t Come with Pistols.” If you’re looking for some amusement to start your day off right, go check it out. I [...]
November 5th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Nice light touch in doling out the clues, Stephanie. Fun story. I enjoyed it.
November 5th, 2008 at 7:23 am
[...] Why Pews Don’t Come With Pistols Filed under: Uncategorized — Alexander Burns @ 10:23 am Friend Stephanie has a new flash piece up over at Every Day Fiction. Check it out! [...]
November 5th, 2008 at 8:55 am
I reread the piece to see if there was any hint of gender in the narrator… none… hmmm. Current context adds an interesting dimension. Nice work.
November 5th, 2008 at 8:55 am
That was a funny little story! I figured something was up with the narrator other thhan just hatrad of brides! Would’ve loved to have seen what happened next.
November 5th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Let me paste a comment left on Steph’s website to say why I enjoyed “Why Pews Don’t Come with Pistols.”
While the set-up is a movie cliche, I think you’ve given it an insightful psychological twist. There’s unabated tension as she clutches the ring. Keep up the good work, but next time call your bad guy something other than Walter. That’s my name and it made me think of all the girls I may have wronged.
November 5th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
“…a pair of fifty-caliber machine guns mounted in the grill of my SUV would be just the thing”.
Mercenaries in the Congo used to mount them on brackets out to the side of their Land Rovers. They could operate them that way.
November 5th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Thanks for all the kind comments, everyone! Glad you enjoyed the story!
November 5th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
[...] http://www.everydayfiction.com/why-pews-don-by-stephanie-scarborough/ [...]
November 5th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Thaaaaaaaat’s funny!