WOULD LIKE TO MEET • by Sarah Hilary

At the outset, the abbreviations confused her. “An MBA! He must have some brains, at least.”

Only it turned out to be short for Married But Available, which gave her a good idea exactly where he kept his brains.

It was hard enough squinting at the small print; searching the little black cursives for a sign that here was The One. Mr Right. She sometimes wished she had the courage to sneer at personal ads in private, just as she sneered at them in public. But a girl gets desperate. Especially an LS BBW looking for a LTR: legally-separated big beautiful woman looking for a life-time relationship. Her life in eight letters. What an indictment.

“TDH,” she read, confident it meant Tall, Dark and Handsome.

The rest of the ad said, “Dreamy guy seeks down-to-earth gal.”

“Give me strength,” she sighed, picturing the piles of unwashed socks and unpaid bills; Dreamy Guy’s debris.

The newspaper was staining her fingers black. This was ridiculous, she thought crossly. She shouldn’t have to scavenge for a mate like this, trawling the pages of tomorrow’s chip-paper, grubbing in next week’s gerbil-bed. She was worth more than this.

NSA… What was NSA? She wanted to shunt an extra A after the N; she could stand to date someone from NASA. An astronaut, or a scientist. It wouldn’t even matter if he wasn’t Very Good Looking. Looks were overrated. Where was the abbreviation for Heroic Intellectual? Why did Well-Endowed only apply below the belt?

No Strings Attached, she realised. NSA. Great. Another one who was after sex without consequences.

TMOAS–the Moon on a Stick. That abbreviation applied to most of them.

Who was this? ‘Free Spirit’? Hadn’t she read somewhere that Free Spirit meant he’d sleep with your sister? Which made her afraid to think what ‘Open-minded’ might mean.

‘Honest’ was bound to mean Liar, just as ‘Huggable’ implied a grotesquerie of body hair. As for ‘Fun’–she felt a migraine coming on.

Enough. She shut the paper, folded it in two and pitched it at the waste-paper basket.

“Just you and me, Nelson,” she told the parrot.

“You and me,” he agreed.

Sarah Hilary won the Fish Historical-Crime Contest with her story, “Fall River, August 1892″. Her story, “The Eyam Stones”, was runner-up in the Historical Contest. Both stories will be published in the Fish Anthology 2008. Sarah’s stories have been published in The Beat, Neon, Every Day Fiction, Idlewheel and the Boston Literary Magazine. Her short story, “On the line”, was published in the Daunt 2006 anthology. The Subatomic 2007 anthology features her story, “LoveFM”. She won the Litopia Contest in 2007 with “The Chaperon”. Sarah lives in the Cotswolds with her husband and young daughter.

Posted on February 11, 2008 in Humour/Satire, Stories
Did you like this story?
A new and interesting story is posted every day.
Bookmark and Share
Rate this story

37 Responses to “WOULD LIKE TO MEET • by Sarah Hilary”


  1. Steven Smethurst Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 1:12 am

    HAHA!
    As someone that “sometimes” trolls the personals this is pretty accurate.

    Good job

  2. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 1:21 am

    Thanks, Steven. They can be fun, can’t they?

  3. Venetia Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 2:02 am

    I really liked that. I too have dabbled in the personals - a LONG time ago - heh heh. This was SO true. LOVED the bit about ‘knowing exactly where he kept his brains’.

  4. Johnny A Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 2:05 am

    If you think THIS is bad, try trawling through the Indian matrimonial ads sometime!

    Great story, Sarah. Sly and funny. Well done.

  5. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 2:11 am

    Thanks, Venetia. I can’t believe you needed to trawl anywhere! Surely the men just fall at your feet, like ripe fruit? J did, after all.

  6. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 2:11 am

    Thanks, Johnny A. I’m glad it tickled you.

  7. Oonah V Joslin Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 5:29 am

    Hey Sarah, LOL Isuppose is the best response or maybe LTIWM :)

  8. Walt Giersbach Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 5:54 am

    Your story takes me back to the old days, but I trolled bars then–not want ads–for mates. Today, I’m a FINK (Fixed Income No Kids). Well, technically, we’re empty-nesters.

  9. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 5:56 am

    LTIWM? Now is that like ROFLMAO? Thanks for dropping by, Oonah!

  10. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 5:57 am

    Thanks, Walt. I think empty-nester sounds sweet. :)

  11. Jasmine Pahl Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 6:06 am

    My favorite part was the parrot. It was such a fun suprise.

  12. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 6:20 am

    Thanks, Jasmine, I’m glad you liked Nelson. :)

  13. John Allen Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 6:58 am

    Hi

    Very funny. Loved the interpretation of ‘Free Spirit’. Nothing to do with alcoholism then?

    Nice writing, great ending.

    jumbs

  14. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 7:03 am

    Thanks, JA! I suspect Free Spirit might’ve run to a Babysham or three.

  15. Alexander Burns Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 7:09 am

    That second paragraph really sucks you in and sets up the tone for the rest of the piece. Nice work.

  16. gay degani Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 7:12 am

    Good way to start a Monday, smart, clever, insightful.

  17. Tania Hershman/The ShortReview Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 7:53 am

    Nice one, Sarah. Nothing wrong with a gal and a parrot!

  18. Kevin Shamel Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 8:32 am

    Funny one, Sarah. I’ve never really checked out the personal ads… Didn’t know what I was missing.

  19. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 8:56 am

    Thanks, Alexander, I’m glad you liked it.

  20. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 8:57 am

    Thanks, Gay, your feedback is a good way to end a Monday (here in the UK). :)

  21. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 8:57 am

    Thanks, Tania! Yep, with Nelson on a shoulder, she’s got it made.

  22. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 8:58 am

    Thanks for reading, Kevin. Lucky man, never having needed the ads!

  23. Avis Hickman-Gibb Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 10:10 am

    Oh Sarah - I LOVED this. very sly, funny and summed up the hazards of the single scene. Beautifully captured.

  24. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 10:24 am

    Thanks, Avis, I’m blushing at such effusive praise! Thanks for reading and letting me know you liked it so much.

  25. DJ Barber Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 10:25 am

    LOL, Sarah!

  26. Jim Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 10:25 am

    I’m jealous. I wish I had come up with the idea of playing around with the abbreviations in personal ads. But the parrot was the nice touch, particularly since parrots only repeat that which they have heard said a lot.

  27. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 10:34 am

    TFR, DJ!

  28. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 10:34 am

    Thanks, Jim. I didn’t know there was a parrot in the scene until the very end, when he piped up with the repetition!

  29. Raflesya Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 11:29 am

    I love your dry humour and the witty disillusionment conveyed by this story.

  30. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 11:45 am

    Thank you! :)

  31. mark dalligan Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    Great idea, well executed and rounded with humour.

    Cheers

    Mark

  32. Peter Tupper Says:
    February 11th, 2008 at 8:19 pm

    Nice story, though the generation raised on online dating may find it baffling.

  33. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 12th, 2008 at 1:21 am

    Thanks, Mark, I’m glad you liked it.

  34. Sarah Hilary Says:
    February 12th, 2008 at 1:23 am

    Thanks for reading, Peter. Interestingly, Jordan raised this same point and we thrashed it about a bit but decided that the heroine of the piece - her bafflement, her sense of being disenfranchised - all rested on it being newspaper ads.

  35. February’s Table of Contents | Every Day Fiction Says:
    March 4th, 2008 at 8:04 pm

    [...] Would Like to Meet [...]

  36. Jane B Says:
    April 26th, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    Oh! Perfect job!
    Very good and actual post.
    I add your interesting blog in my Netvibes page!

  37. Sarah Hilary Says:
    April 27th, 2008 at 12:43 am

    Thanks, Jane!

Comments

« GRANDFATHER’S SMOKE • by Lee Ann Sontheimer Murphy | Home | DIVING FOR BARB • by Mike Whitney »

Stories Comments Rss