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“You’ve eaten them all?!” protested Superchunkman, peering into the empty tin.
“Yeah, I did,” challenged Dr. Strangefood, with an evil laugh. “And what are you going to do about it?”
“I could bake more biscuits,” mused Superchunkman.
“Cookies! Cookies, you idiot!” exploded Dr. Strangefood. “They’re called cookies! Biscuits have gravy on them!”
“Do you know,” spewed Superchunkman, “that I grow weary of your pedantic vocabulary lessons?! That is why,“ he revealed, “I have POISONED the biscuits!”
“You-y-you can’t do that!” stuttered Dr. Strangefood. “You’re the good guy here! I’ll have the union on you! Being evil is my job!!”
“Not any more,” purred Superchunkman.
“That’s crumby!” rasped Dr. Strangefood.
“That’s true,” assured Superchunkman. “But ever since that new superhero Double O’Latte showed up at the Barstucks half a year ago, things have been no fun around here. It’s ‘decaf’ this and ‘low cholesterol’ that, and ‘pass the artificial sweetener’…”
Dr. Strangefood fell to his knees. “You’ll never get away with this, Superchunkman!” he exfoliated.
“Oh, but I shall!” ejaculated Superchunkman over his shoulder, as he walked away. “And don’t call me ‘Superchunkman’ anymore; from now on it’s Lord Biscuitmort to you. Oh — ” he cackled. “I forgot, you don’t have a ‘from now on.’ Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
“It — doesn’t — matter,” gasped Dr. Strangefood. “Neither do you.”
“What?” panted Lord Superchunkbiscuitmortman.
“I replaced all your tea with decaf six weeks ago — it’s too late for you now,” expired Dr. Strangefood.
“That is truly evil!” wailed Superchunkman, as he collapsed to the floor. “We’ve left the world to the mercy of Double O’Latte…”
Susan Kaempfer was born in Washington DC. She was a product of the Summer Of Love, and currently lives in Switzerland with her beautifully lunatic husband and three nutty children. Career highlights include: night-shift in a university hospital pharmacy, flogging jumpers in a tourist trap in Ireland, and one single art show in which she sold enough drawings to buy a ferry ticket from Calais to Rosslare, which was all she needed at the time.
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24 Responses to “WRITER’S BRAIN ON CAFFEINE • by Susan Kaempfer”
Comments
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November 8th, 2010 at 1:00 am
USAian English strikes again. No, biscuits really are what those people think are called cookies and they do not have gravy on them, things like Yorkshire Pudding do (and no, pudding is not semi-fluid either).
November 8th, 2010 at 2:01 am
Taking off my critical hat for a moment, this is supposed to be a fun piece – and it is a fun piece. Not exactly my cuppa of unsweetened tea, but that’s not the point.
A good read.
November 8th, 2010 at 5:09 am
Can’t remember the last time dialogue tags made me laugh so hard! He exfoliated? Ejaculated Superchunkman (over his shoulder, no less)? Expired Dr. Strangefood? Yeah, this was a whole lotta fun, and a great lesson in why “he said” usually works best…
Cleverly written piece, Susan. Thanks for sharing!
November 8th, 2010 at 6:14 am
That was a very enjoyable read. I laughed so hard I bought myself a coffee in Barstucks.
BTW,I agree with P.M.Lawrence’s comment. In the UK, biscuits are what Americans call cookies. I would never, never, never put gravy on a biscuit (or a cookie), but I would certainly pour gravy all over my roast beef and yorkshire pudding!
That said, I loved your story – it reads a bit like a script from a graphic novel. I gave it 5 stars!
November 8th, 2010 at 6:21 am
I’d like to thank whoever decides when to post stories for posting this on a Monday morning. I sincerely hope it was deliberate. Cheers.
Too freakin’ funny. I agree with JHoward (#3), the tags made me laugh out loud through the whole story, and it was a whole story, complete with conflict and resolution. Loved it.
November 8th, 2010 at 7:04 am
Funny, enjoyed reading this.
November 8th, 2010 at 7:49 am
Extremely funny. Loved all the alternatives for ‘said’. Thank you.
November 8th, 2010 at 9:37 am
Biscuits with gravy ist so ziemlich der grösste kulinarische Fehlgriff, den es gibt. Seit meinem ersten Thanksgiving hasse ich dieses Gericht. Es mit Guetzli/Cookies zu konterkarieren, ist eine kluge satirische Strategie.
Anybody out there understanding me?
November 8th, 2010 at 9:46 am
I loved this! The dialogue tags were great, I read it twice to fully appreciate them. I also loved the ending. A wonderful story. Having lived in England for 9 years, I especially appreciated the ‘arguments’ about the differences in language (and really, these arguments could go on forever, what exactly is a ‘jumper’?). BTW, cookies are cookies, biscuits are biscuits and pudding makes a great dessert.
5 stars!!
November 8th, 2010 at 9:54 am
http://www.literatur.ch/OpenNet.39.0.html?&L=0 Einsendeschluss 21. 2. 2011
November 8th, 2010 at 10:03 am
Very entertaining.
November 8th, 2010 at 10:16 am
Nene: Ich denke schon, aber ich stimme nicht zu. Ich liebe Biscuits mit Soße und Yorkshire Pudding.
I hope this is right.
November 8th, 2010 at 10:40 am
Heh heh, I really liked this cute pick me up story!
November 8th, 2010 at 11:50 am
Loved it!
November 8th, 2010 at 11:52 am
@ Nene
Ja ich verstehe,
(yes, i understand)
November 8th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
Very funny and perfect for a monday morning.
November 8th, 2010 at 4:09 pm
Very funny, I would love to see this as a short film.
November 8th, 2010 at 6:27 pm
The title says it all…
November 8th, 2010 at 7:26 pm
LOVE IT!! I’m a recent subscriber, and finally there’s something with humor and a bit of a sci-fi/fantasy flavor. I like reading stories that are well-written, but I have a problem with ‘literary’ stories that do their best to depress the hell out of you. Thanks for posting this!
November 9th, 2010 at 4:22 am
Thanks to everyone for the positive votes and comments. I enjoyed writing this at least as much as you all enjoyed reading it.
To those of you who gave me crappy ratings and slunk off without the guts to tell me why; have you noticed that your tea tastes odd, lately?
November 9th, 2010 at 10:09 am
I’ll tell you why. I just didn’t care for the story. The characters didn’t do anything for me. From the comments that were posted, your characters did resonate with some. You’ll never get everybody and if you think you will, your writing life will be filled with disappointment and sorrow.
I learned a long time ago if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. But since you pointed out the silence.
When compared to the rest of the stories published at Everdayfiction, this one, in my opinion, was average, at best. By the numbers, an average score is a three, so at a three-three, from a pure rating standpoint, this is slightly better than average. Scores above the four line tend to be reserved for the best of the best.
You want a better score, write a better story, and don’t take pot shots at people you know nothing about.
“Expectations breed disappointment.” ~ Anonymous
November 9th, 2010 at 10:41 am
Oops, humor fail, Mickey. I was being humorous when I wrote the piece and humorous when I wrote the comment. I didn’t mean to take ‘pot shots’ or offend anyone.
In any case, thanks for the feedback. You are clearly simply not my intended audience, but no one is all things to all people.
November 9th, 2010 at 4:15 pm
The intent might have been humor, but the tone was anything but.
“To those of you who gave me crappy ratings and slunk off without the guts to tell me”
It sounded argumentative to me. By the time I got to the semi-colon, I was already offended and missed the joke completely.
My bad.
I will add to what I said, because it’s the right thing to do. There was nothing wrong with the writing, it just wasn’t my cup of tea… today. Next week a similar piece might have me rolling in the baked goods aisle in Wal-Mart.
November 10th, 2010 at 3:20 am
No worries, Mickey.
All the best.