Of all the hermaphrodite joints in all the world, it had to slime into mine. My photoreceptors eclipsed. ‘Nice butt,’ I thought, then it turned around. ‘Nice butt,’ I thought. It could plant its setae on my settee anytime.
“Here’s lookin at you, kid,” I said, hopefully, and wha’d'ya know… it turned and slithered on over. ‘Nice wiggle too.’ “Do ya come here often?” It wasn’t the most original line but I’ve been slapped in the face plenty o’ times by lots of hermaphrodites–nothing a little vegohol couldn’t fix. “Wanna drink, sweetheart? How’s about a sloe gin and a quickstep?–better than a slug from a forty-five any day.”
“I like slugs,” it said, “and the name’s Jello.”
I could tell Jello meant it. It had a classy chasse–perfect concertino. Might not be so easy worming my way into this one’s five hearts. I thought I’d try a more intellectual approach.
“Eaten any good books lately?”
“Actually, I’ve been studying Greenleaf’s work on wormholes,” Jello said sipping the gin, slow with its moist prostonium. “It’s all to do with electric currents and… magnetic charge.”
Jello dripped those syllables like grape must. I was way out of my depth.
There was something about its feminine side that appealed to my masculine side–if you like those kinds of distinctions. I squirmed round to take a better look at the line of it. ‘Very smooth clitellum.’ “What business are you in?”
“I’m a soil scientist,” it said. “I work with dirt… like you.”
‘Ouch! Was that ever a double entendre?’ “Of course, we’re all in that line, I meant do you specialize?”
“Aeration,” it said, “but I’m thinking of moving into soil conditioning. I find this a bit confining. I need… variety.”
Sure that was a come on, I tried a posterior wiggle that just brushed its damp tail. Then I pulled Jello closer. “We could make beautiful music,” I said.
“Bird song, I’ll bet! You’re not going to try that old ‘hill o’ beans’ speech now, are you?” it asked.
It takes two to tango. I gave up in the end.
Ya know the saying… ‘If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the compost.’ ‘What the hell,’ I thought, ‘I’m short and slimy enough to get by on my own.’
You do your best, you eat dirt, you scrape a living and it just gets harder and harder as time goes by.
Oonah V Joslin calls this, “The underground version of ‘Casablanca’ and Woody Allen’s ‘Play It Again Sam’.”
A new and interesting story is posted every day.
Subscribe to the RSS Feed! (what is rss)
Don’t miss another story! Subscribe to Every Day Fiction via RSS.
17 Responses to “YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS • by Oonah V Joslin”
Comments
« THE UNSTOPPABLE EVELYN MCHALE, MAY 1, 1947 • by Jason Stout | Home | THE WATCH • by Richard Lamb »
October 6th, 2008 at 12:40 am
Sort of wormed its way into my heart, Oonah.
October 6th, 2008 at 3:21 am
A bit strange, Oonah, but this is great:
“If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the compost.’
Like that!
October 6th, 2008 at 3:22 am
“It takes two to tango”
Not if you’re a hermaphrodite.
October 6th, 2008 at 4:06 am
This one was very strange and fun. Enjoyed it!
October 6th, 2008 at 4:10 am
“I’m short and slimy enough to get by on my own”
Love it
Sarah
October 6th, 2008 at 4:36 am
Very funny, and clever.
Great read.
Bill
October 6th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Heh heh, that was hilarious! Great read first thing-[ish] in the morning.
October 6th, 2008 at 7:42 am
i didnt know worms had five hearts
October 6th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Thank you everybody. Amazing what you can learn on EDF about rabbit droppings and worm anatomy…;)
October 6th, 2008 at 8:47 am
Made me laugh outloud, Oonah. Good one!
October 6th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Wickedly funny flash, Oonah!
October 6th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Thank you Oonah, I neededa giggle to go with my glass of wine this evening.
Cheers
Mark
October 6th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Enjoyable read, Oonah. I liked how distinct the world was — something that always amazes me in flash. Funny, too!
October 6th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Funny, Oona. As always. A definitely lighter read than Middlesex, my only of contact with herm lit.
October 6th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Now,THAT’S what happens when you use a bicycle pump on a bawdy limerick! Wow! What a feast! I just loved it Oonah.
October 7th, 2008 at 1:47 am
Thanks all. Never read any herm lit, Gay.
Errol - LOL - Thank you so much!
October 10th, 2008 at 6:13 am
That was great. Will take more care of the little critters when I dig them up.